Epic Party Time
by Katherine-E-Kora
Summary: Roger is going to college, but it may not be at all what he expected. Especially when he finds out his new roomies are the two people he hates most. From sparkles to brick-filled pillows, Roger has to find a way to coexist with his 'friends' and pass his classes at the same time...without killing them, of course! A comedy of what happens far away from the island. Finished.
1. Jerk Merrydump

**YAY! **

**I decided to turn my little oneshot into a series, though for sentimental value I'm keeping that one separate from this series. **

**SUMMARY FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE ONESHOT: Roger is going to college. Unfortunately, everyone else is too! It really has no plot, and is sorted by episodes rather than chapters. This first episode won't be as comedic as the others will, but that's just because it's an introduction. **

**Thanks to all those who enjoyed the oneshot! I think LotF deserves a good comedy series, and I'm desperately hoping I can do just that! I hope you like it~**

…

EPIC PARTY TIME~~

EPISODE ONE: Jerk Merridump

Roger hauled his suitcase over the stairs, cursing loudly at whoever had invented the rule that only handicaps could use the elevator. He had been so sure that would change when he got to college, but /noooooo/. Someone passed him and threw Roger a terrified glance. The black-haired boy looked up from his toiling and threw the innocent student, probably a senior, a deathly glare. Why carry weapons when you could kill with your eyes? The passerby jolted and ran up, tripping on the last step and face-planting into the tile. Roger laughed menacingly and stepped over him, rolling the thirty-pound suitcase over the boy's back. Maybe college wouldn't be too bad after all.

He read his key-card one last time. Room 132; easy enough to find. Third floor, third door to the left. Because, he thought, nothing that housed himself could ever be right? Roger cringed at his own fail of a joke. Before he could think of anything else to insult his own intelligence, he located his door and parked his suitcase next to it, sliding the card-key mechanically into the scanner by the door handle. It clicked opened just a smidge. The lights were on, and noises could be heard faintly, coming from somewhere inside. Roger sighed and entered the dorm.

"Hello?" He called, exasperated, "Hi, I live here now! Nice to meet you, invisible college patrons!" Roger threw his luggage on a nearby couch, upholstered with tacky 90's fabric that hurt his eyes. There was a muffled thud from the kitchen, though a wall partially covered it so that the source of the noise was not visible. Roger raised an eyebrow and peered around the corner.

What he saw did not make him happy.

"You think he saw us?"

"No, he couldn't of. I can't believe he's rooming with us! This is going to be so fun!"

Roger propped his head up on the bar, between the two chattering boys. "I beg to differ." Jack shrieked in surprise and Ralph just stood there, smiling dumbly.

"…" Roger frowned at him, and glanced down at Merridew to break the awkward eye contact. Jack was nursing a bruised head; he had banged it up against the cupboard jolly bad. Ralph gasped and stood back an inch.

"Surprise!" He yelled, throwing up some glitter he had apparently been holding in his hands. It was enough to make Edward Cullen proud. "Are you surprised Roger?!"

"…no."

"Awwww…." Ralph kicked at the glitter and looked downtrodden. "We tried so hard too…" Roger cocked his head to the side. Did they really now? He sighed and pushed Ralph over as well, so that he landed on top of Jack. The red-head coughed as the blonde landed on him. Vaulting over the counter-top, Roger planted his feet on Ralph's stomach and cleared his face of expression. Ralph punched at his feet, screeching profanity.

"I hate you." Roger stated. "I hate both of you."

"Aw, don't be that way, Roj." Jack spluttered from the bottom of the heap.

"Don't call me that." Roger grimaced, "I thought I told you last time never to call me that, ever ever again. My name is Roger."

"That's so hard to say!" Ralph complained. Roger leaped off of the two boys and let them get to their feet before replying.

"No, it's not. I'll start calling you names too if you keep it up."

"…Roj." Jack prodded. "….There, do I get a name now?"

Roger was taken aback by the stupidity. Over the summer, these two seemed to have gotten even dumber than before. "Sure. You're Jerk Merry-dump." He pointed to Ralph, "And you're just stupid." Without waiting for their reaction, Roger turned and retrieved his luggage, pulling it over to where he assumed the bunks were, and pushed the light wooden door open. He groaned in frustration.

The room was a complete and total mess. Even the unoccupied bunks were slopped up in some way or another. A thought occurred to Roger with a jolt. Ralph and jack pushed passed him and went into the trashy room, sifting through different piles of crud.

"How did you two get a room together?" He asked nervously, "I mean, aren't you two like…together, or something?"

"My dad's rich, dude." Jack laughed from the corner of the room. Somewhere in the slop, he had found a box of candy cigars and a pair of 2012 new year's glasses. He brandished both proudly, along with a pink feather boa wrapped tightly around his neck. "I can do anything I want."

"Yeah." Ralph exclaimed, muffled by a huge scarf that looked like it was attacking him, "anything."

"…Ok." Roger was becoming slightly peeved. "fantastic."

Of all the people he could've been roomed with! Why did it have to be these two?! Roger had thought that after high school, he'd be done with them. He'd been so excited at the prospect of college, at the thought of a new life where no one knew who he was and what he's done!

And they'd gone and ruined it all.

Ralph and Jack exchanged a dubious glance and took Roger by the elbows, towing him out of the dorm room while he was still mentally weeping.

"Let's go, Roj!" Jack shouted, pointing forward with his free hand, "We're going to show you around campus." He was still playing with the candy cigar in his mouth, still wearing the strange glasses and feather boa.

"Yeah." Ralph added cheerily. "We've had a lot of time to get to know the place. Our parents made us move out as soon as school ended!" He smiled dumbly once more. "Onward, young stallion!"

"I don't want to…" Roger muttered sadly. It wasn't often that he found himself sad. Only these two could make him this depressed.

This was going to be a very long year.

…

**So, how was it? **

**I apologize for Ralph being sooooo….OOC. He hit his head really hard when he was on the island, and is suffering from mental traumas. He also fell out of the boat. Twice. He's currently going to a therapist, though.**

**Yup. That's my alibi, and I'm sticking to it…Plus, you like funny Ralph, right? He's better that way.**

**Thanks for reading! Please tell me what you think!**


	2. Kung fools

EPIC PARTY TIME~

EPISODE: kung-fools!

Roger inked in his answers with a feather pen he discovered among the rubble of their room. He tried to answer as seriously as possible; he really wanted to ace this paper. However much he tried, he couldn't seem to concentrate.

Ralph leaped across from his bed, landing on Roger's and hitting his head on the ceiling in the process. He fell down next to the black-haired boy and whined in pain.

"HAHAHAHA!" Jack pointed and laughed, "You're so dumb!"

"Hey!" Ralph complained, "That's mean." He grabbed up roger's pillow and tossed it forcefully at Jack, knocking him off his own bed.

"So that's how it's gonna be!" Jack exclaimed, muffled by the pillow. "Don't forget who you're messing with here! I'm the chief of the savages!"

"Shut up!" Ralph bounded across the beds again and started jumping up and down on Jack's, throwing him snide glances. "Look, Jack! I'm jumping on your bed! There's nothing you can do to stop me!"

"Bugger off!" The red-head threw the pillow back at Ralph, and it hit him squarely in the stomach. He rolled off the bed, moaning in pain.

"Will you two shut your mouths?" Roger grimaced without looking up from his paper, still angry that Ralph had the audacity to set foot on his bed. "Unlike you, I really want to pass all my classes. Plus, pillows don't hurt that bad, Ralph. Stop fooling around."

"Oh yeah!?" Ralph shouted, "Jack fills his pillows with bricks!"

"That's my pillow." Roger retorted. Ralph ignored him.

"FIGHT TO THE DEATH!" He screamed, throwing the pillow back at Jack. Jack caught it and they continued jumping up and down on the beds and throwing Roger's pillow. Finally, Ralph jumped on Jack's stomach and pelted him with the pillow.

"Fatality!" Ralph shouted victoriously. Jack managed to squirm free and aim the pillow at Ralph, it arced across the air, clearly missing its target.

And hitting Roger straight in the face.

The two boys were silent as Roger removed the pillow. He glanced up at them with a look that could only be described as death.

"oops…" Jack squeaked.

…..

Roger sat angrily in the lobby of the hospital, waiting for the nurse to come back. He had brought the homework assignment with him, but lacked the self-control to push aside his rage and actually complete it.

The nurse peered out of the doorway and held a little wooden clipboard forward.

"I can't believe your friends fell off their beds and did that much damage to themselves!" She exclaimed.

"We have really high bunk beds." Roger lied flatly, "And the pillows are filled with bricks."

She laughed and smiled. "Well, you can leave now. They'll live."

"Damnit."


	3. The first of many

EPIC PARTY TIME~

EPISODE: The first of many

Roger tapped the channel button on the remote. It was Friday, classes were over, and he finally could breathe a sigh of relief. He could finally relax.

Of course, watching TV just made him want to strangle all of the stupid idiots out there, but it was no better than the fantasies he had about killing Ralph and Jack. His therapist said that thinking about killing someone you had no connection with was a little better than imagining the deaths of your roommates though, so TV was made a little better by that.

"What're you doing?" Ralph asked seriously from behind him.

"What does it look like?" Roger rolled his eyes. "I'm watching TV, moron."

"Well, don't bite your arm off." He responded boredly. Roger looked behind him and saw Ralph with his chin resting on the sofa, looking like he had nothing to do.

"Why don't you go color a picture to hang on the fridge or jump off a bridge or something?" Roger suggested with mock enthusiasm, shooing the blonde away, "You're in my personal bubble."

"We don't have any crayons or parachutes or bubbles." Ralph retorted, clearly not getting it, "I don't know what to do…"

"Go ask Jack what to do." Roger grumbled, "Or you could ask the sadistic guy who has half the mind to kill you…and the other half grudgingly agrees. If you ask me, we could throw a party with your intestines…or…"

Ralph's face lit up. "A party!" He exclaimed, "We'll throw a party! Then everyone will like us!"

"I wouldn't put any money on that."

"We'll be the most popular guys in school!"

"No, you won't." Laughed Roger, smiling sarcastically. Ralph flicked his forehead and he immediately got to his feet, hauling off and punching Ralph in the face. The blonde fell backwards with a thud, laughing as if he'd just been tickled. Aside from a bruise, he was no worse for wear.

"I'm going to invite everybody…"

"Please don't."

….

Too late.

Once the idea had worked its way into Ralph's mind, it wasn't going anywhere else. Less than an hour later, the dorm room was filled with people Roger didn't know. He had no intention of knowing them.

In fact, everyone who even sat by him was rewarded with the same punishment Ralph had received earlier. By the time the party was at its peak, everyone knew not to screw with him. Even the girls stayed far away from the brooding boy, though he would never /hit/ a girl…

Jack wandered over, a lampshade over his head. It was like a scene from an old tacky movie. He sat next to Roger and Roger cringed away.

"You look sad." Jack mumbled, lifting up the pink lampshade. Roger frowned. Did they even own a pink lampshade?!

"I'm pissed." Roger replied. "Very, seriously pissed."

"Aw. Don't be like that. It's fun!" Jack shoved Roger lightly on his shoulder and Roger resisted the urge to shove Jack right off the couch.

"Too bad. I'm already like that." Roger shrugged and went into the bedroom, trying to find the light switch so he could retrieve his keys. When he reached the hook, they were gone. Jack had followed him in the room. He tried to stifle a laugh, but it didn't work. Roger grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and shook him like a…puppy.

"Where. Did. You. Put. My. Keys." He demanded feircly, "I know you took them."

"Ralph did…" Jack giggled, "He's outside."

"WHAT?" Roger shouted, "Why is he outside!? We're going to get in trouble you bloody moron!"

"Aw…You're brassed off now..." He couldn't manage to say the words clearly; Jack was laughing too hard.

"UGH!" Roger threw Jack aside and marched out of the room, throwing the door open and exiting the dorm room. He was taken aback by how large the party had grown. There were people everywhere! The hall was full of crazies! Roger managed to make it out, past the teens and adults dancing in perverted fashions, and gasped in relief when he felt fresh air hit his face. Then he sighed in exasperation. Why did he smell something burning?

The first thing he saw in the parking lot did not make him happy. It was Ralph, blind-folded and walking with his arms stretched forward. For some reason, he had lit sparklers shoved down the back of his pants. Roger sighed and kicked him in the shin.

"Owowowowow…" Ralph whimpered, trying to blindly fight back. "Rob, is that you? I told you to hide it!"

"Hide what?" Roger growled. "And why do you have sparklers in your pants?"

"Roger?! JACK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DISTRACTING HIM FOR US!" Roger clamped his hand over Ralph's mouth and took the blindfold off. Suddenly, he pulled away and shook out his hand.

"Eugh! You licked me!" He wrinkled up his nose and wiped his slobbery hand on his shirt.

"You can't catch me!" Ralph shouted. He had started to sprint across the parking lot, abandoning the sparklers and the blindfold. "MARCO!" He shouted wildly, "MARCO MARCO MARCO!"

"What? What are you doing?! Come back here!" Roger ran after him, catching up quickly. Ralph had never been a fast runner. This continued on for a while, until finally Ralph ran out of steam and Roger was able to tackle him to the ground and hold him there.

"Stop!" He shouted, "Stop running! Don't go anywhere! I want an explanation, and most of all, I want my car!"

Ralph laughed for several minutes before he could get a word in edgewise. "We're playing a game-Robert and Maurice and I-They hide your car and I have to scream-Marco until they hear me-then they honk-and I have to find them…hahaha!"

"What the hell. Ralph, what the hell." Roger couldn't think of anything else to say. It was such a stupid idea. Too stupid for even Ralph, he thought. He sighed and stood up again, watching hatefully as Ralph did also, brushing himself off.

"We have to find it." Ralph smiled, "You gotta help me."

"Fine."

The two meandered around the parking lot, illuminated dimly by flickering streetlights.

"MARCO! MARCOOOO!" Ralph screamed, cupping his hands around his mouth, "MARCO!"

"Marco…" Roger muttered unenthusiastically, "Marco…"

"MARCO!" Ralph screamed, right into Roger's ear. Roger punched him in the stomach.

…..

It was an hour before they had located Roger's car. Maurice and Robert had hidden it well; they drove it through a garage and managed not to leave a scratch on it. Good thing too. If they had, Roger thought that he might have snapped. As soon as they saw Roger, they took for the hills. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition. Roger hopped in the driver's side and took the wheel, maneuvering it out of the destroyed garage.

"Can I have a ride?" Ralph asked pleadingly. Roger glanced at him through the open window.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"No."

Without another word, he drove off. Roger parked it where it belonged, right in front of their housing unit, and pulled the keys out of the ignition. He shoved them in his pocket and got out of the car, a very old, very rusty, 1965 Mustang. Wearily, he leaned against the door and sighed. All he wanted to do now was go to bed. Too bad he had to look after all these idiots.

"Dekko!"

He turned and saw a group of girls from one of his classes striding towards him. When they saw that he had spotted them staring, they giggled wildly. One of them was pushed forward; a timid little thing all done-up and pretty for a night out. They must've just been heading out for the bus stop.

"Uh…hi." She meekly greeted. "Your car is really cool."

"Thanks?" Roger answered, confused, "By cool, you mean 'piece of crap', right?"

She laughed quietly, "You're really funny."

"…"

Roger frowned as she pulled out a little pink phone and showed him a text message. "You're the one who sent me this, right?" She asked, hopeful. He almost did a spit-take, which was ridiculous because he wasn't drinking anything.

HI. MY NAME IS ROGER, AND YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW ME BUT I REALLY LOVELOVELOVE YOU, AND, LOL, I WANT TO B WITH U FOR LIEK, EVAR AND EVAR. MEET ME IN THE PARKING LOT IN FRONT OF BUILDING #3~

"Oh my God." He muttered, "I'm going to kill them." The text was definitely sent from his number, but when he did a quick pat-down, he couldn't find his phone. Crap. "Uh…I'm sorry…but I have to go…" He stammered and backed up a bit, running right into the side of his car. The girls laughed behind him as he tried to channel his tact and headed into the housing unit. Behind the door, Ralph and Jack were sitting on the floor, laughing uncontrollably. Roger snatched his phone out of the latter's hands and checked the screen.

It took him a moment to process what he was seeing.

"You sent this to everyone on my contacts list."

"LEG IT!" Ralph and Jack stomped up the stairs as fast as they possibly could. Roger just stood there and stared at the screen.

Great. This was great.

Everyone on his contacts list…This wasn't always his phone. He had just recently bought it from a senior girl who graduated. Mostly because he might need it in an emergency, but also because his therapist said that she wanted him to have one. Just in case she needed to reschedule or something.

He hadn't erased the previous owner's contacts yet.

Roger groaned in frustration, mumbling every curse word he knew, and snapped the phone shut. Without another word, he marched out to the parking lot and got in his car, driving far far far away where no one could ever find him again.

Too bad they had also stolen his wallet.


	4. For some reason it's spelled wrong

**YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Do you know what time it is? I do!**

**Its epic party time! My favorite time of the week, and hopefully yours too. That also means its Wednesday; because from now on, due to the fact that school has started and I do not have homework on Wednesday, this will be updated every Wednesday; twice, maybe once, if I'm really busy. **

**Also, Melonkatze, this episode should answer your question~**

**Yeah, anyway, LotF and its awesome characters do not belong to me. I desperately hope you knew that already.**

**ENJOY~**

…**..**

EPIC PARTAY TIEM

EPISODE: For some reason its spelled wrong

Ralph and Jack huddled behind the bed located in the center of the room, peering over the edge at Roger, who always seemed to be doing homework. The former toyed with the pink feather boa Jack had found a few weeks ago, absentmindedly tugging the already sparse covering off of it. Pink fluff floated lazily to the carpet; some of it stuck in Ralph's hair.

"Are you still mad?" Jack finally had the courage to pipe up. Roger answered the question with a glare. Yup. He was still mad. "We said we were sorry…"

"I want you to assume that I'm always angry at you." Roger sighed.

"Ok."

"Because I will always be angry at you for something."

"Oh." Jack sank back against the bedframe and traced the ceiling with his finger. Although, there was nothing really to trace; it was just a white wall, aside from the dent Ralph's head had left when they were jumping on the beds. Roger was just about to comment on this when caught a glimpse of pink fuzz out of the corner of his eye.

"Ralph, I told you to stop pulling that thing apart-wait. What the hell is wrong with you face?!"

"What." Ralph looked up from picking at the neon snake and frowned. "There's something wrong with my face?"

"You've got like…eh…" Roger traced the edges of his own eyes, trying to tell Ralph something that he didn't understand the meaning of.

"I still don't get it." He complained.

Roger huffed a sigh of frustration. "Why do you have black eyeliner on? Where did you even get black eyeliner?!"

"One of the nice girls from the next building over gave me a makeover!" Ralph explained happily. "They even gave me these hair…pinner things…" He pointed to a pair of barrettes that held the left side of his hair back. Roger looked rather confused.

"I…don't know what to say about that…" He grimaced.

"You could say that I look great and that they did a good job!"

"I'm not ever going to say that." Roger ignored Ralph for the moment and scrawled another sentence on his paper before his train of thought was interrupted yet again. He opened the thesaurus that rested next to him on the rumpled sheets and flipped through until he found synonyms for KILL.

Decapitate? Really, now; there are better words for kill. Decapitate wasn't even a synonym for the word either. Decapitation is a way to kill someone, a quite old fashion one too.

"I can ride my bike with no handle bars~

no handle bars~

no handle bars~"

Jack had started to sing in boredom. There was nothing else to do. Roger didn't bother to tell him off, Jack wouldn't listen anyway. Plus, he wasn't that bad of a singer. Even after all these years of skipping practice, Jack Merridew still had the voice of a choir boy. His choice in music though…that needed to be fixed. Roger decided in the back of his mind to make a trip to the music store as soon as he was free to pick up some CDs to play around the dorm. Maybe playing some real music would brainwash the two nit-wits to like it.

Suddenly, Ralph joined in and took up the rapping part. He wasn't as bad as Roger thought he always would be. Still, it was annoying.

Roger bit down on the edge of his pen fiercely, tearing the clicking mechanism right off. Oops. As he pushed himself off the bed with a sigh to retrieve a new pen, there was a knock at the door; just a tiny little rapping.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Ralph threw his hands up in the air and ran out of the room, nearly knocking Roger over. "WE HAAAAAAVE AAAA GUEST!" Before Roger had time to comment on anything, Ralph smacked right into the front door and slumped to the ground, unconscious. Roger made a face and moved him aside with his foot just enough to get the door prized open. He threw the door against the wall, creating a dent on its already cracked surface.

"Yes? Who are you?" Roger glumly greeted. Why couldn't people in general just leave him alone?

"Hi!" The boy at the door answered back. He was at least a head shorter than Roger was, with a swoosh of dark brown hair. He clutched a leather bag with both of his hands, holding it in front of him. "Roger, you haven't changed a bit!" He peered around at Ralph, lying at the floor, and then at Jack, who had just joined Roger in the entry way. "…I wish I could say the same for Ralph and Jack…"

"Who the hell are you?" Roger asked again. This kid was freaking him out. The boy paled and laughed nervously.

"Oh…I guess it's been a while, huh?" He said, "I'd thought you'd recognize me. It's me, Simon!"

"Simon!?" Roger and Jack exclaimed in unison. Behind them, Ralph dizzily stumbled back across the room only to trip again and hit his head on the wall. He laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world.

…

**Simon's back by popular demand! You can only buy this product for a limited time though, people, so buy while he's still adorable. Wait…he'll always be adorable. **

**Tell me what you thought about this episode in the reviews! Also, what do you think Roger's favorite way to kill someone would be? In my opinion, it would be with rocks. He seemed oh-so-very fond of them in the book. Too bad boulders don't fit in their dorm room…**

**Roger: Oh, you'd be surprised.**

**Kat: …**

**REVIEW RESPONSE TIEM:**

**Melonkatze~**

**Well, it's not exactly AU…you'll see that in the next episode. It's still the same universe. I had actually just finished typing this chapter up when I looked at the reviews!**

**Also, I'M SO VERY HAPPY THE ALMIGHTY MELON APPROVES. I hope you continue approving!**

**THANKS FOR READING, PEEPS! **


	5. It's ok guys, he's just pretending

**Phew. I finally got this one typed out. **

**A direct sequel to the last episode! Imagine that! This will only happen once in a blue moon! **

**Most of the time, each episode will be completely random. In fact, I've started typing holiday specials already (call me crazy if you wish) and they are very much random and have no relation to anything at all…I'm still excited about the soonest holiday though…*Checks calendar***

**Its…Halloween. That one should be interesting.**

**Anyway, Enjoy this one! I hope you liek! **

…..

EPIC PARTY TIME

EPISODE: Its ok guys. He was just pretending.

Ralph, Simon, Jack and Roger sat around the tiny coffee table in the living area, chatting idly about what they had been doing over the summer and such. Roger was extremely confused by the young boy's reappearance. Jack and Ralph didn't even seem the slightest bit phased.

"Simon?" Roger spoke up, "Weren't you…you know? Dead?"

The boy in question set down the tea he had been drinking in a very refined manner and laughed softly.

"I was only pretending."

"…"

Ralph glanced up curiously. "Ah. So piggy's still alive as well then?"

"No he's very dead."

"Ohh…"

"In fact," Simon smiled warmly, as if about to recollect a fond story. "I was floating in the sea, you know, playing dead and such when I ran into him! We had the funniest chat about parachuters! That guy has a really good sense of humor, you know!"

That's weird. For a minute there, Roger had actually thought that Simon was normal and that he might have an educated discussion with the guy. Unfortunately, Simon hadn't changed a bit. He was still crazy as a cat after a laser pointer.

"What did he say?" Jack asked.

"Who?"

"Piggy."

"Nothing, stupid." Simon snorted. "He was dead."

Roger frowned. Jack seemed to readjust himself uncomfortably in his seat before going on.

"Ohhh….Well…that's…Nice?"

Simon inhaled deeply, taking in the fragrance of the tea he had picked up once more. "Quite." He muttered, "Now, what have you been three been up to?"

"Other than driving me batty?" Roger retorted, "Nothing much. I'm going to a therapist to deal with my 'violent tendencies'." He mocked his therapist's smooth tone and put air quotes around the last bit.

"I'm also going to a therapist!" Ralph put in excitedly, "She says I'm special."

"Really?" Simon looked slightly puzzled now. "How?"

Ralph tapped the side of his head, where the barrettes were still firmly in place. He hadn't removed the eyeliner either. "I hit my head."

"Congratulations." Roger commented.

"Can we throw a party to celebrate?" Ralph asked hopefully.

"Not in my lifetime."

"Awwww…."

Simon switched his attention to Jack. "How about you?" He inquired, "You haven't said anything about yourself yet."

"I'm going to be a major." Jack sighed, resting his chin in the palm of his hand.

"A major pain in the arse." Roger grumbled.

"He sure is!" Ralph added.

"Ralph, that's…WHAT."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Can't you talk without interrupting one another?" Simon quirked an eyebrow and took a sip of tea. "It's quite frustrating." Ralph cupped his hands over his mouth in an attempt to stifle his laughter. Roger pushed him off the couch before Jack answered again.

"Yeah." Jack sighed again, "My parents want me to be a doctor."

Simon went into deep thought. There was an awkward silence.

"Are you sure about that?" The boy coolly responded after a long while. Jack cocked his head.

"What do you mean?"

"Jack, is being a doctor something you want to do?"

"No."

"Then why don't you do something else?"

Jack leaned back a bit and looked astonished. It was almost like he had never heard of such an absurd thing as going against his parent's will. They were already disappointed with his life now.

What would they think of him if he just dropped all his things and went his own way?

Simon smiled again. "Put some thought into it." He said, breaking yet another silence.

"What do you do Simon?" Roger finally asked.

"Oh, I play the piano."

Ralph clapped his hands. "We have a piano! Can you play for us?"

"We have a piano?" Roger asked doubtfully.

"Uhuh." Ralph responded, pointing to the corner between the kitchen and the TV, "Right over there!" Funny. Roger couldn't remember the little electric keyboard ever being there. Things just seemed to appear randomly out of all the garbage in the house.

Simon strode over to the piano and switched it on, running his fingers over the keys in a test run. Then, he started to play.

It was perhaps one of the most beautiful noises Roger had ever heard in his whole life. When it was over, Ralph clapped enthusiastically once more.

"I'm glad you liked it." Simon exclaimed. "I've been practicing since I was four."

"I never knew you could play, Simon." Jack said, snapping out of his trance. "We could've had you play at one of the choir concerts."

Simon laughed lightly. "It's kind of a hidden talent."

"Hidden talent?" Roger muttered under his breath. Didn't he just play without even objecting? Wasn't he going to school to be a professional piano player so that he could eventually have the stage all to himself? Hidden talent? Yeah, right.

"I can play with hidden talent too!" Ralph objected, raising he arm high in the air.

"Well, I'd love to hear it." Simon smiled and moved over to make room for Ralph. The blonde stretched out his fingers, then brought them down harshly on the keys.

His playing was so terrible the Simon passed out and started bleeding from his ears. He died…

…again…

…**.**

**And you all had your hopes up too. Well, Simon will be back later as well, so don't fret too much. I don't want my readers to die of heart-attacks.**

**Thank you soooooooo much for reading and I hope you all enjoyed. Tell me what you thought in the reviews! I want to know what goes on inside your minds…In a non-creepy way. Actually, I'm very curious. A lot of people have viewed it, but only one person left a review(s). Shout out to you! But still, I really want to know what your opinion is. It helps me improve. Or, if you already like it the way it is, lets me know what to bring to the table.**

**So, in conclusion, please review!**

**Also, I just realized that Ralph is a blonde...and I have him be stupid all the time in my fic. I'm not discriminating against anyone here…In fact, I'm blonde myself. It was just a little something I had an epiphany about while writing this.**

**THANKS FOR READING!**


	6. Epic picture tiems

**Whoa! It's Wednesday, finally! It feels like such a long time ago that I posted. Maybe it's just school getting to me. I think it is.**

**Anyway, I really am enjoying writing this fic. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do! Based on your reviews, you are. And that makes me really really happy! So please continue doing what you're doing! I love feedback!**

**So, this episode is quite a bit longer than the others, just warning ya.**

**As an added note: I'm pretty sure they don't have picture day in college, but please remember that this is FICTION, and that not everything has to be real.**

**Lastly, enjoy and reminders that LORD OF THE FLIES or its epic characters do not belong to meh. Thanks!**

…**..**

EPIC PICTURE TIME

EPISODE: Picture Day

Jumping on the next bed over, Roger started to kick Jack repeatedly in the head.

"Wakey wakey, Sunshine." He called, "You gotta get up early today. Pictures, idiot."

"Mmmggghph…I don't wanna…"

"Guess who doesn't care? That's right, I don't." Roger teetered as he balanced precariously on the bed, removing his dress shoe and chucking it. The red-head's hair made a perfect bulls-eye.

"OW!" Jack rolled off the bed and landed on the floor with all the junk. It looked like Ralph was already down there for some reason. Roger leaned over the bed, retrieving his shoe, and frowned at his roommates.

"Did you two sleep well?" He asked sarcastically.

"No." Ralph mumbled. Jack had landed on his stomach. "That hurt."

"Two birds with one stone." Roger responded.

Jack stood up, being careful not to step on Ralph, and shambled over to the dressers. His hair hung in front if his eyes sloppily. He started flinging open drawers forcefully, without bothering to close them when he was finished looking through. Articles of clothing fluttered to the floor.

"God, you're a slob." Roger muttered. Jack was too tired to hear him.

"Roger…" Ralph whined, muffled by the sheets that he had put over his face. Roger thought it was definitely an improvement. "Can you help me up?"

"Why?"

"'Cause my legs are broken."

"Just because they're asleep doesn't mean they're broken, Ralph." Roger scolded, "Get up. We have to get ready for pictures."

"Fine." Ralph pouted and pushed himself up, blundering about for a moment until the feeling returned in his legs. Roger sighed and went into the bathroom, checking once more in the mirror that he still looked ok. One piece of hair on the top of his head stuck up awkwardly, and when he tried to fix it, it just bounded back up. Frustrated, he yanked it out. There was nothing worse than a bad picture. It's what people remembered you by.

"Hey." Jack greeted as he passed behind Roger. "Have you seen-"

"-Your comb is in the basket above the towel rack." Roger responded deftly, not taking his attention off the mirror. He ran a thumb over the black and grey tie he had put on earlier. It was uncomfortable around his neckline, almost choking him. Jack stood at Roger's left, running his comb through his hair. It started to look tame again.

"You look fancy." Jack commented.

"Thanks?" Roger responded.

Ralph wandered into the bathroom as well and reached over both of their heads to pop open the medicine cabinet behind the mirror. It looked like he had gotten dressed…but WHAT was he wearing?! Knocking a few bottles of cold medicine into the sink, Ralph finally pulled out a little black bag and started digging through it.

Roger turned from the mirror and stared dumbly at what the blonde had chosen to wear. It hardly seemed…appropriate…for pictures.

"What…are you wearing?" Roger finally worked up the nerves to ask.

"The flier said to wear something nice." Ralph responded, not looking up from the bag, "This is all I got."

"Too-tight black pants with chains and studs and a red long-sleeve turtleneck? For picture day? Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"You can borrow something of mine if you want." Roger offered.

"No thanks."

"Well, it suits you, Ralph." Jack praised, "It's good that people see the picture and remember who you really are."

"Thanks Jack."

Roger left the bathroom and went to the kitchen. Hesitantly, he made up breakfast; he didn't want to get his shirt dirty or anything. Luckily, he was able to finish his breakfast in peace. He checked the clock. Pictures where at ten…so they had about five minutes to get out to the car and get to the main campus building and walk to the auditorium.

Perfect.

"Guys!" Roger called, tossing his cereal bowl into the sink behind his shoulder. It shattered into a million pieces and joined the other glasses that he had done the same thing with. He added dishes to the shopping list on the fridge. "We have to go, now!"

"'Kay!" Jack responded from the bedroom. He walked out wearing what he usually did, jeans and a t-shirt. Ralph stumbled out behind him, tripping over his own feet. The kid had a really terrible sense of balance. Jack helped him up while Roger pulled his car keys out of his pocket.

"Let's go…Wait. Ralph, you're wearing eyeliner again."

"Uhuh. I like how it looks. See, I even put the pins in." He pointed to the barrettes. Roger rolled his eyes, too tired to care. They walked out of the room, making sure the door locked behind them, and made their way to the parking lot.

It was Roger's job to drive the boys around everywhere. He was the designated driver at all parties, and also drove them to and from the main building for their college. It was about ten minutes on foot, five minutes in car. At least, for the average person.

It took Roger two.

He hopped into the driver's seat and stuck the keys into the ignition. The mustang roared to life beneath his hands.

"Are you two buckled?" He asked, looking into the rearview mirror just to make sure.

"Yes sir!" Ralph saluted.

"Yup."

Roger put the car into gear and slammed on the gas pedal. It screeched around the corner and puffed acrid smoke behind it, proving its old age. He ignored the road signs-they really had no time anyway-and jumped over the grassy barrier instead of checking in at the clearance gate. It was too much of a hassle. They got out of the car quickly, once it was parked as far away from anything else as humanly possible, and sprinted for the auditorium entrance. Pictures would be taken there.

It wasn't a very big school, so the auditorium was the like. By the time they arrived, it was packed. Up on stage, the headmaster called groups up by dorm number. He was on 100; it would be a long wait yet.

Roger found a space where no one would bump into him or touch him and leaned against the wall. He hated it when people touched him. It was weird.

"Hey!" Ralph tugged on his sleeve. "I got a funny joke! Do you wanna hear it?"

Roger mumbled something that could be taken as either a yes or a no and Ralph beamed.

"I guy walks into a bar. What's the first thing he says?"

"…He says 'why the hell am I in a bar'."

"No. He says 'ow'." Ralph sniggered. "See, he walked into a real bar! Not a beer bar!"

Roger smiled and pretended weakly to laugh. He soon tired of this and sighed, taking out his IPod and putting in the headphones. It was already on shuffle. Quietly, he sang along.

"I've been waiting a long time

For this moment to come

I'm destined for anything at all~"

His therapist had told him to listen to songs that boosted self-esteem. He didn't know why; the problems weren't exactly with his self-esteem but rather with the fact that he pretty much wanted to torture and kill everyone he met. At least it was a good song though.

Someone tapped his shoulder, and Roger suddenly remembered that he was in a room full of people. He snapped his head up and saw Jack, smiling widely. He removed the headphones and tossed the IPod back in his pocket.

"You were singing out loud again." Jack teased. "Everyone was looking at you."

"Eh…Really? Crap…" Roger ducked his head to avoid their gazes. He didn't want to bring any unwanted attention to himself. Not since the cell-phone incident.

"No, you're a really good singer!" Ralph complemented, "You should do it more often. People might actually like you and stuff!"

"Thanks Ralph." Roger growled, "But I stopped singing when we graduated middle school."

"No you haven't." Jack scoffed, "Or else you wouldn't be as good as you are. You've been practicing, haven't you?"

Roger blushed. "No."

"You have." Ralph and Jack agreed simultaneously.

"You should be a singer when you grow up!" Ralph added excitedly, "Like Justina Buble!"

"First of all, who the frick is Justina Buble?" Roger went on, not waiting for an answer, "Second, I'm only going to college here to get in the basic courses. After I save up enough money from a normal job and settle down, I'm joining the military. That way I can turn my passion into a career. Third, Ralph, we're already grown up…"

"What's your passion?" Jack asked squeamishly.

"Killing people I hate."

Ralph raised a finger and added, "But you hate everyone."

"Fine, killing people I hate and that threaten our country. The point is, I get to kill things. For money."

"If you really wanted to do that, you could've just not gone to school at all and became an underground assassin or ninja or…" Jack broke off and startled mumbling under his breath.

Ralph looked Roger in the eye and said, very seriously, "Or, a dentist."

"No. Dentists are too cruel, and you're talking to a sadist."

Jack shrugged and shook his head to get the hair out of his eyes. "Anyway, doesn't the military pay for your education and stuff if you enroll right out of high school?"

"Yeah." Roger responded, "But I wasn't sure if I wanted to join or not…I'm still kind of on the fence about it. I guess I just want options, you know?"

"Yeah." Ralph chipped in, "Like, I'm planning on becoming a Marine Biologist, but I could still be a stripper if I wanted to!"

"Ralph, that's not what I meant at all…"

"I wouldn't ever let you be a stripper, Ralph." Jack added gruffly.

"You two are no fun." Ralph fumed.

Jack whirled. "What did you say about being no fun?!" In an instant, he had the blonde over his shoulder and upside-down. Ralph turned red as the blood rushed to his brain. Maybe it would be better if he stayed like that forever. Maybe he could actually think about what he said instead of blurting random crap out. Ralph kicked out and screamed at the top of his lungs. Everyone in the room stopped and went silent, staring at the two.

"PUT ME DOWN!" Ralph laughed, "I CAN'T BREATHE!"

"Damnit, Ralph!" Roger said in a strained whisper, "Shut up! You scream like a girl in a horror film!"

Jack put the blonde back on solid ground, dizzy and delirious. Roger fixed them a sharp glare. "Now everyone's looking at us funny."

"Really?" Ralph giggled, turning to face the majority of the on-lookers and waving. His sleeves covered his hands because his shirt was too big. "HI EVERYONE!"

Roger smacked him upside the head, effectively shutting him up. "That's not a good thing, Ralph. Now people will make fun of you." Ralph looked up at Roger innocently.

"Why would they make fun of me?" He asked.

"…" Roger didn't have the guts to say it. More like, he didn't have the guts to burst Ralph's little bubble of obliviousness. Either way, he was weak enough to respond: "Nothing. They'll think you're absolutely freaking awesome. In fact, they'll all build shrines to you in their dorms and sacrifice their firstborns."

"Really!?"

"Really…"

Jack remained utterly silent. Roger really wished he would speak up sometimes. Casting him a curious glance, Roger raised an eyebrow. The red-head shrugged apathetically.

"I don't really think you need all that stuff to be happy." He finally put in. As Ralph pondered this, their number was called.

"DORMROOM 132! YOUR TURN!" The headmaster bellowed. Roger obediently went up, trying to shake off the stares of his peers as his procession went by. Ralph grabbed his shoulders, effectively ending that motion.

"CHUGGA CHUGGA CHOO CHOO!" He shouted.

"Let go of me." Roger ordered uncomfortably. Ralph sighed.

"Fine." When they finally made it up to the stage and disappeared behind the curtain, Roger couldn't have been more relieved. Jack and Ralph walked in front of him, holding hands without shame.

"Ok you three!" A rather happy looking young man greeted from behind a white canvas, where all the camera equipment was set up, "Get over here! First separate pictures and then a group photo for the records! You ready?"

"Sure."

"Absolutely!"

"Yes, sir-ee!"

Single photos went by flawlessly. Except for the fact that Ralph's hair was sticking up all over the place from when Jack had picked him up; the photographer spent at least twenty minutes trying to get it to lay flat, even taking the time to put the barrettes back in place. When they were all done and gathered in front of the screen for a group shot, things got a little bit more complicated.

"No no no no." The photographer sighed, "This won't do. You guys look too stiff and uncomfortable."

It's because they were. Roger (who had hit his growth spurt last and was now the tallest, much to Jack's dismay) stood to the left, while Ralph was in the middle and Jack was at the right. They all fidgeted.

"Act how you normally do around each other!" The photographer continued to encourage, "Be free and loosen up!"

"OKAY!" Ralph said eagerly. He pushed Jack and Roger together and leaped up so that he was visible between their shoulders. Jack smiled dubiously and hooked his arm around Roger's, who made a face and cringed away, trying to escape the reality that this truly represented his daily life.

"Better! Say 'college'!"

"COLLEGE!" Ralph and Jack shouted. Roger just whimpered in self-pity. At the last moment, Jack gave the camera a thumbs up and Ralph threw it a peace sign.

"I hope for your sake this isn't going in the yearbook." Roger groaned when the torture was over with.

"Don't worry Rogerkins!" Ralph said enthusiastically, "It'll probably go on the website instead!"

"Damnit Ralph. Don't call me that."

After a brief pause, they laughed together.

"I guess it's ok if I don't get a shrine." Ralph said in between fits of giggling, "'cause I got friends enough already, don't I?"

"Right." Roger grimaced, "Now let's get out of this hell-hole. If I keep this tie on any longer, I might just ecsfixiate. That's a thing right?"

"I dunno." Ralph shrugged, "But it sounds like exfoliate."

"Whatever. Let's just go home."

…**..**

**There wasn't that much comedy in this was there? Or was there? Tell me if there was enough, or if you want more. Either way, I threw out some Jalph stuffs into this one because they're supposed to be together and honestly I haven't really touched on that. Also, I drew some art for this episode, but I may or may not upload it to deviantart…Still not sure I have the motivation to actually scan a sheet of paper…**

**Look on the bright side though; if you didn't like this one, the next one is centralized around one of Ralph and Jack's partays! You're invited! **

**As an added note, the song Roger was singing is called Waiting, by green day. **

**REVIEW RESPONSE TIEM YAY!**

**Wandex System~**

**Yup. All along he was pretending. Honestly, that's the only reason I could get through the book the first time I read it. I just kept telling myself: HE'S NOT DEAD. HE WAS JUST PRETENDING. LIKE ONE OF THEM POSSUM CREATURES DOWN ON THE BAYOU. I will definitely try to keep it up as well! Thank you so much for reviewing, and I'm very glad you lieked it!**

**Nightkill~**

**Your review means a lot to me! Believe it or not, your fanfiction 'Prompting the Insanity' is actually what lead me to this site! Thank you for reviewing!**

**Just Another Believer~**

**:D You're so impressed you can't figure out what to say! Seriously though, thanks for taking the time to review! **

**Alright then! THANKS FOR READING AND I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! Well…not really…Unless you stalk me…DON'T STALK, CHILDREN. THAT'S PEDOBEAR'S JOB!**


	7. Karoake night

**OwO**

**HEEEEERESSS KATHERINE!**

**I'm NOT DEAD! I'm ALIVEEEE! **

**Hehe…**

…

EPIC PARTY TIME

EPISODE SEVEN: KARAOKE NIGHT

There was a bar called Flash, not too far from the college housings, nested in a cutesy downtown street laden with brick and hard work, that Ralph and Jack made a habit of visiting every Thursday night. It was the only indulgence Roger would allow, considering it was Karaoke night and he quite enjoyed seeing Ralph and jack make a fool of themselves.

The only problem was that other men and women from their University would come there often as well. Most of the time, it wasn't exactly a welcome crowd.

"Hey Roger!" Jack called from the DanceDanceRevolution machine, waving frantically. He was sober, as was Ralph. It was a rule Roger had created; they could not drink on school nights. "You should dance with us, it's fun!"

"No…" Roger grimaced, "I'm good, thanks." He sat in a little booth, alone, in the farthest corner of the room. Standing out was not a passion of his.

"At least come and watch!" The red-head whined. Roger shook his head, no, and glanced at Ralph.

Damnit.

Puppy-dog eyes.

Why did he have to do that?! They were what…19? 20 at most? Ralph should've grown up by now. Although, that hit on the head may have impaired even that ability.

Roger tried to look away nonchalantly. It didn't work. He could still feel the power of Ralph's puppy-dog eyes burning mushy holes in his…Abysmal pit of doom (AKA, the black hole that served as Roger's heart). He sighed and pushed himself out of the booth.

"Fine," He grumbled, "But just this once."

Ralph and Jack cheered in victory.

"Pick a song!" Ralph pleaded, "Please?"

"They're all stupid."

"Pretty please?"

"The physical appearance of the please is irrelevant."

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"I hate cherries."

"Pretty please with a dead guy on top?"

Roger quirked an eyebrow. "A dead guy?"

"Yeah." Ralph shrugged, "You like to torture people right?"

"I can't torture a dead body, dipshit."

"No, but you can use the dead body to torture yourself!"

"What the FUCK do you think I'm in to, Ralph?!" Roger exclaimed wildly. Ralph and Jack both laughed.

"Dead things apparently." Jack snickered.

"Gross," Roger frowned, "I'm still not picking a song though."

Ralph patted his hands together. "Pretty please with an 'I'll never ask ever ever again' on top?"

"Whatever…" Roger sighed.

"Thank you!" He shrilly cried, "Thank you so much!"

"I want…" Roger glanced over the music choices with condescending eyes and pointed to the third one. "I want you to dance to that." It was the most embarrassing, obnoxious song choice of all of them. And the most American too.

Low, by Flo Rida.

Even Roger hated the song. He just wanted to see them humiliate themselves in front of their peers. Not that they needed his help.

"Let's do this!" Jack began enthusiastically.

Roger sat on a nearby table and enjoyed the show. He always made fun of them for it, but really they were excellent dancers. Not fluffy dancing either, but the kind you'd see in one of those dancing movies about the people who lived in the ghetto. It was kind of cool. They were about halfway through their song when some muscle-bound prick unplugged the machine with his foot.

"Hey!" Jack objected, "What was that for?!"

"For stealing the spotlight." The man responded snidely, "Everyone knows this is where I hang out. I'm sick to death of you two being the subject of all our rumors. The people deserve something better to talk about."

"Are you on the newspaper then?" Ralph asked, honestly and curiously. The man looked furious.

"Are you freaking retarded? God, you really are an idiot. And here I thought Chelsea had been lying about how dumb you are."

"Chelsea?" Jack asked dumbly.

"My girl." The man retorted, jerking a thumb behind him where a slight, blonde-haired girl who sat nervously on the edge of her seat. She looked nothing like his type, and rather shy at that. Thick hipster glasses sat on the bridge of her nose, and darker splotches on her skin told of her 'boyfriend's' unspoken sins.

"Does she want to dance too?" Ralph moved out of the way, standing now in front of Roger's table, "She can play too-"

The blonde was cut off as the man's fist connected with his jaw. Ralph was thrown back against the table, flipping it to the side. Roger leapt back, not trying to conceal his rage. Blood, bone and bits of tooth streamed all too readily from Ralph's mouth, which hung at a crooked angle. Jack rushed to his side and looked up in silent horror.

The man was no stranger to them. It was Rick, the pylon of everything cool (yet completing failing) in this side of the college universe. Roger had been acquainted with him a few days ago on the way to the headmaster's room. Actually, Jack and Ralph had been there too. As of now, they sported one strike each: Two counts of 'extreme PDA' and one count of 'attempted murder'; which wasn't in fact attempted murder. You can't kill someone with the Union Jack. It's very unpatriotic.

"What's your problem?" Rick shot when he saw Roger, whom was at least a head shorter and a heck of a lot lankier, standing by with a black glare. Roger faltered as Rick's eyes passed over him, clearly unimpressed. "What a toothpick."

"I wouldn't bet on that." Jack chipped in angrily, "He's killed a boy before; never even felt badly about it."

"Shut up, Jack." Roger growled. Jack shut up.

"Scamper on back to juvie, toothpick; I don't want to break your neck on accident." Richard waved them off. Roger ground his teeth in dissent. "Take your gay retard friends back to the rainbow parade while you're at it."

"They didn't do anything wrong!" he hissed.

"You wanna talk, toothpick?" Rick roared, marching forward and shoving Roger backwards so that he stumbled a few steps. "You know, it'd really be easier if you'd take a seat!"

"Bring it." Roger checked his stance and made sure his feet were grounded. His opponent rushed him.

…well, that was over fast. In an instant, Rick had Roger over his left shoulder and was spinning him around and laughing evilly. He threw an onslaught of rapid punches at Rick's spine. It didn't do anything. At this point, Roger was not only furious, but embarrassed too.

"PUT ME DOWN, SHIIIIIIIIT. GOD-DAMNIT! I'M GONNA PUKE ON YOU! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, HUH? YOU WANT PUKE ON YOUR NICEST T-SHIRT? IT'D BE A SHAME! NOBODY SELLS MUSCLE SHIRTS BRAND-NAME ANYMORE, YOU FUCK."

When Rick finally released him, he fell to the floor and landed straight on his ankle. It twisted painfully beneath him and Roger knew it had been broken. He sucked it up and got to his feet, putting most of his weight on his good ankle. The world spun in dizzying circles as if he was still twirling.

"Hahaha!" Rick bellowed, "Look at yourself! You look like an idiot!"

"I don't look down my pants like you do, Rick. But thanks for asking." Roger smirked and fished around in his pocket, "But, on the bright side, at least I can see you. That's plenty enough idiot to kill a man."

"You think you're so smart-"

"-Oh, I know I am."

Finally, Roger's fingers gripped what he had been searching for, a silvery little pocket knife. He whipped it out of his pocket and turned the blade so that it reflected the fluorescent lighting above. The bartender gasped and dropped a glass on the tile flooring. Other costumers moved away uneasily, some even began to mutter bets amongst themselves; who would die the fastest?

A hint of a smile touched Roger's lips.

And then Rick pulled out a gun and blasted it into next week.

What was with this guy and surprises?

The bullets ripped through Roger's shoulder and sent patrons ducking and screaming for cover. The barkeep stumbled and sobbed, then shakily began to dial the number of an emergency hotline. The world was no longer spinning in an out of focus, but rather fading out of focus all together. It paled and shimmered in painful ways. Before he could register it, Jack and Ralph, who was still bleeding a little, were standing over him. Their mouths were moving, but the only thing he could hear was a loud, on-going, high-pitched tone. Like screeching. Or a heart-monitor beginning to flat-line.

But Roger didn't want to die.

He sought out his fingers and his hand and his arm. Gradually, control came back to certain areas of his body. He clenched his hand into a fist and blinked the fog away. Eventually even the screaming stopped.

And he was standing.

Something tugged at one of his arms and almost pulled him down again. Roger glanced in that general direction, not daring to do anything else he didn't have the strength for. It was a blonde-haired boy in really strange clothing that seemed painfully familiar, yet with no attachable name.

"Don't do it, please! He'll kill you Roger! I was joking earlier, OK? Dead things aren't fun! Just sit down, you lost! It's ok, alright. People lose, everyone loses once in a while. Trust me, I should know…"

"Ralph." A voice called from behind Roger somewhere, "Let him go. We're not kids anymore. We all make our own decisions. This one is his. He's prepared to live…or not…with the consequences."

The pressure left and Roger moved forward slowly. There was a man with a gun ten feet ahead.

"Watam ie goin do?" He slurred pitifully. Rick heard the plea and turned.

"You're still alive?" Rick guffawed in surprise, "I have to give credit where credit is due." He shrugged and turned the gun over in his hand. "Well, whatever. I'm going to get arrested anyway. I might as well make it worthwhile."

Roger's eyes widened as everything came back to him. The pain too, unfortunately. Blood dripped slowly down his fingers and licked at the palm of his hand. For a moment, he forgot what exactly he had been fighting for.

"ROGER! WHOOP HIS ASS!" Ralph cheered solemnly. Jack gave a half-hearted whoop. Roger turned around and saw the two sitting side-by-side on the floor, smiling warmly. They knew the odds were not in his favor, but still…they…they…oh god, he was going to pass out. He'd lost too much blood, damn it.

"Fuck it." He growled. Marching forward, he threw a punch with his good hand and hit Rick upside the head. The man stumbled backwards and reeled for a few seconds. Even close to death, Roger was still pretty strong.

"A-are you wearing brass knuckles?!"

"Hells to the yeah I am, bitch." Roger muttered angrily, staggering and swooning on his feet. He still had no chance of winning though…or staying alive, for that fact…

"Hey, beefcake!" Ralph called, "You wanna dance?!"

"N-no…"

Jack pulled Ralph aside. "What are you doing?!" He asked in a strained whisper.

"Helping!"

"Really? Is that what you're doing?! If I go to the school right now, walk to the library, and personally ask the librarian for the latest edition of the dictionary, I'm pretty sure the definition for help would not be: the action of being a complete jackass and making everything wrong. That's called…uh…un-helping...or, something."

"I get my definitions from Wikipedia." Ralph smiled, "But seriously, just trust me."

"Ralph…I-"

"Trust me."

"…fine, just…for the love of god, be careful."

"I will, I'm a lot smarter than you give me credit for."

Roger shook his head in disbelief. So, he didn't exactly approve of their life choices…so, what? It didn't matter. They were really happy, and they had their odd moments, and he didn't always enjoy their company, and they were pains, and they were dumb…but they were a heck of a lot smarter than most people about their priorities in life.

"Hey, Ricky!" Ralph started up again, "what's dark and scary and kills you when wet?"

"…"

Something curved through the air quickly and clunked against the side of Roger's temple. It rolled to the floor and hissed; then, without warning, it burst and spewed fizzy liquid all over him. Just like that, the sentimental moment was gone.

…

Jack finally spoke up.

"Well, fuck."

…

Roger, Jack, Ralph and Chelsea(you know, that girl that nobody really cared about), all stood around under umbrellas, donning black for Richard's funeral. Sad music was playing in the background.

"Somebody kill that guy!" Jack complained.

Roger threw a rock off camera and for some reason the music stopped.

"Is it just me, or is the writer of these things getting lazier and lazier?" Ralph sighed. Jack shrugged.

"What writer?" Roger scoffed.

"Oh…wait. Sorry. We don't break the fourth wall until episode 20…" Ralph apologized.

"What are you talking about?!" Roger complained, "What wall? We're OUTSIDE! THERE ARE NO WALLS."

"You know." Jack struggled to explain, "THAT wall."

"WHAT WALL?!" Roger shouted, "I SWARE, YOU TWO MUST BE ON DRUGS 90% OF THE TIME!"

Chelsea raised her hand timidly. "Am I a re-occuring character, because I really don't think the fanbase will like that too m-"

"-NO." Ralph and Jack said simultaneously. She vanished. Like, literally, vanished.

"Romance is icky." Ralph stuck his tongue out and made a gagging noise. Jack pouted.

"But you and I-"

"-That's for comedic interest." Ralph stated flatly, "Gurls liek dat yaoi."

"MY LIFE IS A LIE!" Jack screamed, falling to his knees. It started to rain quite randomly.

Roger kicked the ginger's head and Jack fell into the mud and started to drown in cake. Roger pointed to the cake.

"HOW DID THAT EVEN GET THERE!? WHAT'S GOING ON, I DON'T UNDERSTAAND!"

Ralph laughed like an insane man and slowly drifted away. Into the air. He turned into a cloud and lived happily ever after.

"WHAT THE-"

…

…**IM SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN SO LONG! AND WHEN I FINALLY DO, IT SUCKS BALLSFORGIIIIIIVE MEEEEE!**

** Anyways….yeah. I've been getting really tied up at school lately, so I haven't had a lot of time to do these things…but I have made a lot of friends!**

** So, in addition to school work and fanfiction, I've been recruited for a cosplay troupe! I'm the writer! YAY! :D It's very exciting for me! Along with me, my friends Kyrin (or Fangakat on this site), Polski, Tino, sup297(youtube), and a few others are going to start up pretty soon. Wish me luck!**

** Thanks for reading! I hope you lieked! Tell me what you liked the best, and what parts need some tweakin'. I know the cusses were a bit excessive in this episode, but…I dunno…I've been watchin' too much Pewdiepie and Roosterteeth vids. You should check 'em out. **

**REVIEW RESPONSE TIEM:::::**

**MELONKATZE-**

**Yesh, they are a bit childish for college students…but that's the fun of it! It makes it funny! I don't think sitting around and grumpily studying lecture notes would make a very good comedy! Also, you've been following since teh very beginnen! SMILEY FAIS STAR STICKER FOUR YOU. Thank you for once again reviewing!**

**NIGHTKILL-**

**Yes…Jack and Ralph are quite annoying…**

**Just wait until the holiday episodes…**

**Thank you for reviewing again too! You can also have a smiley fais sticker if you wants it.**

**K! BYE! UNTIL THE NEXT TIME! DANKEDANKEDANKESCHON!**


	8. ITS THE GR8 FRIKIN PUMPKIN!

**It's been a while since I updated this one, so I decided to go ahead and write one on the fly. I literally just finished this. Congrats, you guys. It's still warm, like those papers teachers hand to you right as they come out of the printer. It makes you just want to hold it up to my cheek and rub your face in it, right?**

**Maybe that's just me.**

**I HAV E ANNOUNCEMENTS:**

**Regarding HP and LOTFAp, I will be updating both regularly. BUT, as of now, I'm trying to make some major plaot decisions for the former, and trying to get into contact with my 'editor' for the latter (LoTFAp is already complete, I'm just re-uploading, fixing minor mistakes, and maybe adding some alternate endings).**

**Also, expect me to update less often. I do plan on continueing all of my fics, and am not leaving anytime soon! I just have a lot of things to do right now (Indie films, cosplay scripts, school) and might not have time to write! I appreciate your patience!**

…**..**

EpicParTyTimE: It's the great pumpkin, Rogerkinz!

Ralph threw the newspapers about the floor like confetti, watching them fall and twirl with an acute interest. Roger never understood such fascination with little things; quite frankly, it freaked him out. Jack sat cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by three, almost-identical pumpkins. He hummed to the tune of a One Direction song. For the fourth time that day, Roger almost puked.

"Jack, stop that." He scolded, "That's disgusting. What did I tell you?"

Merridew sighed, "We only listen to proper music in this dorm, on my hearts honor, lest it be cut out and served to…What was it again?"

"Cannibals."

"Oh, yeah. Cannabis."

Roger turned his head to the side in questioning. "Close…Close enough…" He slowly allowed.

Ralph plopped down on top of the newspapers and smiled. "Ready!" He announced cheerfully. Jack moved the pumpkins to the protected surface. It was the only way Roger would allow this; if they were to carve pumpkins, they would keep the dorm clean. No…wait…it was already dirty. They would keep it as clean as it was. No use in ruining the constant state of disgusting.

"Let's get on with it then." He sat next to Jack and Ralph, pushing the orange carvables onto the sparse newspaper covering. Ralph rolled his around in circles, shouting happily.

"I love Halloween!" He sang, "The weather is so nice! Twice as nice and YAY!"

"Better than one direction I suppose." Roger admitted, examining his pumpkin from different angles. He had never carved a one before; his parents condemned all satanist activities. Jack started distributing the carving utensils, placing Roger's a few feet in front of him. "What are those for?!" He gasped in surprise. Nobody in their right minds ever gave him a knife.

"For cutting the pumpkins…" Jack said slowly. He started to work on his own. Roger smiled creepily.

"We get to cut them?"

"DUH." Ralph exclaimed, swinging his knife in the air rapidly; Roger had to edge away to avoid being halved. "How else would you do it? You have to chop off the top and remove the guts and crap."

"Guts?"

"Yeah." Jack added, as if he were talking to someone with a mental handicap. Rager frowned and smacked the ginger upside the head. "Ow! Stop hitting people! I'll tell your therapist on you!"

Ralph dumped his pumpkin over, letting slippery orange insides spill all over the newspaper matting. "Why?"

"She helps with his violins or whatever." Jack answered.

"The rapist helps Roger play the violin…wait…" Ralph's features twisted into an expresson of thought. Roger quirked an eyebrow; he could almost smell the cog's in the blonde's brain roasting themselves, the imaginary smoke billowed from him. "Exactly what kind of violin does Roger play?" He finally got out.

"I don't play the violin, retard." Roger scoffed, plunging a knife violently into the cap of his pumpkin. He had just started, Ralph and Jack had already emptied theirs and were brainstorming ideas on what to carve onto it. This, as demonstrated by Ralph, was probably not a good thing.

"THAIR-A-PISSED." Jack pronounced, "Ralph, he goes to a therapist, not a rapist."

Ralph smiled jokingly, "I know, silly. Jeez, you guys are so dry sometime."

Roger grimaced and scraped a handful of pumpkin insides from the hollow of the…fruit, or vegetable, or whatever a pumpkin was exactly. He swatted them in Ralph's direction. The boy with the fair hair gasped and shrieked. It had landed in his hair, splattering all down the top of his face.

"Eugh…grooossssss…." He whimpered. Jack leaned over and tried to get it out, eventually giving up all together and leaving Ralph to his own devices. After a while, he got to his feet and left for the kitchen to find a towel to clean up.

Roger, whilst cutting into his pumpkin fervently, half-turned to Ralph. "Hey, Ralph."

"Uh-huh?" Ralph responded, absorbed in his own artwork.

"Why do you pretend?"

Ralph froze mid-cut and shook his head. He looked almost…there were really no words for it. Stunned? Scared? Happy? A combination of all three?

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about!" He stammered cheerily, returning to his work. "Pretending to be a Guitar Hero? 'Cause, you know, I'm kind of already one of those."

Roger narrowed his eyes. "I see what you're doing." He accused, "Playing dumb all the time? Why?"

"Playing? What game should we play?! I love games!"

Jack returned, wielding a sopping dish towel, and sat back down in between Roger and Ralph, thus ending the conversation. The red-head combed through Ralph's hair with his fingers, using the rag to work the pumpkin seeds out of Ralph's hair. The blonde was silent, not looking up from the decoration on his pumpkin. He was finished.

"What you got there? Can I see?" Jack asked. Ralph complied by pushing the pumpkin over to him and turning it so that it faced him.

On it, little slashes and cuts had been made to form something indescribably simple and child-like. Still, the shape was recognizable.

"A boat?" Jack asked. Ralph nodded tersely.

"Like the one that took us off the island." He muttered. Roger shook his head in disbelief and pushed his own pumpkin away.

"Are you done too, Rogerkinz?!" Jack shouted, "Rogerkinz' first pumpkin! Lemme see!"

Ralph snapped back to his previous state. "Wow! Coolios!"

"…"

"…"

"What?!" Roger snapped, "Something wrong?"

"Uh…" Ralph laughed, "It's um…really…really…" He burst into snickering fits.

"I will cut you with this carving knife!" Roger announced, "Don't test me, I'll do it!"

"No…" Jack said squeamishly, "I just…don't know what it is."

Roger frowned.

"It's a pumpkin." He stated flatly.

It was indeed a pumpkin.

"A stabbed, mother-fucking pumpkin." He added.

It was indeed a stabbed, mother-fucking pumpkin.

"Good job." Jack commended through gritted teeth, trying not to fall on the floor in laughter, like Ralph. "This one goes in the family scrapbook. And it gets framed, and hung in the hallway."

"Hells to the yeah it does." Roger agreed without humor. Jack sniggered, turning red with the effort of not laughing. Roger frowned and asked darkly, "Well, I'd LOVE to see your pumpkin, Jack."

"Be my guest…" Jack allowed, still straining against laughter. Roger kneeled down and turned Jack's pumpkin so that he could see the design.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS."

"It's-" Jack started.

"Wow!" Ralph exclaimed, recovering from his laughter attack, "It's so accurate, Jack! You're a real art-eest!"

"This is twisted shit, Jack." Roger said squeamishly, trying to hold back vomit, "Oh, God…gross."

"Hehehe." Jack smiled, "So, you DON'T like it."

"Roger does not approve." He answered, "No approval at all."

And so, the three boys had finished their first preparations for the Halloween season. Roger only hoped he could survive three more weeks of this.

….

**I don't think I can survive three more weeks of this either. Is it just me, or are these episodes getting worse and worse? Ugh. I'm not in a very comedic mood, I apologize. **

**I will, however, be in the draw-y mood. So, I'll post another episode when I'm done uploading ALL MY CRAPS. To deviantart, that is. And it's not legitimate, actual crap. It's actually artwork. I knows…OMG, right?**

**Anyways, review response tiems:**

**ME1ONKATZE:**

**Ja, ich liebe deutsch! Ich habe ihn in der Schule fur drei Jahren! **

**Wirklich, es ist meine lieblingssprach, aber Englisch ist sehr…klar. Besser fur schreiben.**

**Now, in English, I'm very glad you keep reviewing! Every little bit helps! This, by far, is my most popular work and I'm really hoping that more people read it! MAYBE ONE DAY, I'LL B, LIEK, POPULAR AND STUFF. It maked me kinda sad that people don't review more often….i see fics all the time that are only a few chapters long, yet they have SOOOO many freaking reviews! I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT D:/**

**Oh well. I'll just keep working on it I guess. I enjoy writing, that's all that matters. C:**

**REVIEW PLS! KTHXBAI!**


	9. The cynic's smile and the laughable few

**Hey guys…IM BACK FROM THE LAND OF NANO…and, feeling rather defeated and downtrodden by the fact that I'm returning defeated by the 50000 word dragon, I'll hang up my sword and armor, sit down with a nice cup of hot chocolate, grab my computer, turn on some sweet jams, and pay you guys back for all those lost weeks.**

**By spamming the Lord of the Flies page with a shit ton of my stories that I haven't updated in quite a long time. Sorry about that.**

**Also, there's nothing like blisters on your fingers when you're typing. Note to self: maybe learning to play electric guitar wasn't such a good idea. Yes, MCR music is amazing, but that doesn't mean you have to play it, Kat. That doesn't mean you have to play it.**

…

EPIC LATE TIME

Episode: A cynic's smile and the Laughable few

Roger had just about had it up to here with this whole dorm thing. For a split second, he wished that he would've never moved out of the house.

Only for a second though.

It really wasn't worth the trouble.

"ROOOOOOOOOOOGGER!" Ralph complained for the millionth time that day, "PUH-LEASE?"

"Not even with a dead guy on top, Ralph." He replied flatly, trying to keep the anger out of his voice.

"Just one little party?" Ralph begged.

"Not a chance."

Jack finally sighed and joined in as well, "It is college, Roj. That's what you do in college, have parties. It's fun. You need to loosen up a bit."

"I said no and no means no. Some of us have to pay for our education, Jack." Roger snarled, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling. The dent Ralph's head had made in the ceiling was still clearly visible. They were whispering something. Roger turned his head to face them curiously. Ralph went on with it, oblivious that Roger saw his secret murmurs.

"That's a good idea actually, Ralph." Jack commented aloud.

"Hm?" Roger arched a brow. He was automatically suspicious.

"Oh, Ralph was just saying how he could go for a drink."

"We're banned from the bar, remember?"

"No, no." Ralph laughed lightly, a rather forced one if Roger really thought about it, "I mean, just us, here. We do have some wine; I picked it up last time we went to the grocers. How 'bout it?"

Roger sighed. It was Friday…and one glass couldn't hurt. Could it?"

"Sure, whatever. Just don't go overboard, ok?" He consented. The two whooped in triumph and rushed to the kitchen. After a few moments of hesitation and quiet thought, Roger frowned and followed after them. Just one glass, he reminded himself, he had to work an extra shift tomorrow at the grocery.

Something about the situation screamed danger.

Either way, when Roger arrived in the kitchen, Jack and Ralph had already poured a glass for him, all smiles, and he took it gratefully. Just after one sip though, his was already feeling light headed. Ralph swirled the liquid around in his own glass, smiling cheerfully as he watched Roger down his. Jack stifled a laugh.

Roger passed out.

"…"

"…"

Ralph and Jack exchanged a glance.

"Hey Jack," Ralph asked, "I have two questions."

"Hit me."

Ralph scratched the back of his head worriedly. "First, are they supposed to do that?"

Jack laughed. "I don't know. I'm sure Roger will be fine. We probably just put too much in his drink. He'll wake up before everyone else gets here, I'm sure."

"Second," Ralph dared, "What were you planning on using those rufies for anyway?"

Jack laughed without answering.

….

Roger regained consciousness unsteadily. Everything was noise, he couldn't distinguish between it. And, although he felt as if he just woke up, he was already standing up, holding a glass of something, standing by the counter alone. Also, he was really drunk. Everything swayed and rocked unsteadily. He felt like he could do anything, and everything, he never wanted to do.

Was this a party?

He liked partying.

"FFFUCKING YEEAAAH!" He screamed, throwing his glass on the linoleum tiles. Heads turned, but not many. His shouting couldn't compare to the noise already in the dorm. Someone stumbled up and patted Roger on the shoulder. Normally, he would've stabbed them, but for some reason he felt rather charitable today, so he punched them in the nose instead. The man stumbled back and slumped against the opposite counter, his nose bleeding profusely. A friend of the man's ran up to Roger and started yelling something in his face.

"What the hell, man? What'd you do that for?"

"Because, now he can't hear the music and it's too LOUD!" Roger shouted in his questioner's face, falling forward and wrapping one arm around the man's shoulder. The man grimaced uneasily.

"Why can't we all just love each other, man?" Roger sobbed, slurred, "Everything has to be guns and war and people are getting turned into zombies…I just want peace. Ughhh….and those stupid pigeons. They're so dduuuuuuumbb…"

"I'm not sure I understand…" the man whimpered, "Can you please get off of me, you're creeping me out."

"You know what's creepy?!" Roger laughed, standing up on his own and wobbling around quite a bit, "I have…ten fingers."

"Uh…huh…"

"Duuuuuuuudde….this water….is like….the best water." Roger looked the man straight in the eyes and grabbed him by the shoulders. The man looked scared, no, terrified. "I have to go now," Roger muttered, "But I'll never forget the time we spent together."

"Please leave me alone." The man whined.

"I love you too, Alice." Roger stumbled away, wandering past the endless tide of dancing bodies and into the living room. Through the window behind the TV, lights of more partiers could be seen moving outside. He went to chase them, only to bump right into Jack and Ralph.

"Oh, uh…Roger?" Jack queried, "You don't look too good, buddy."

"I FEEL GREAT, GODDAMNIT!" Roger screamed, "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! YOU CAN'T CONTROL MY LIFE, I'M AN ADULT! I DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT!"

"Uh-huh." Ralph said worriedly, "Do you want us to lock you in your room again, Roger? Please don't do anything…rash."

"I_ toooold _you, I can do whatever I want…like…like…" Roger searched the empty space of his mind for something to show his authority with. Like…girls! Girls were very grown-up and stuff. Without thinking, he grabbed the nearest one and they started making out. Jack and Ralph, however amused, were absolutely mortified. After a few minutes of this, Roger stood back up and triumphantly faced them. The girl, a rather flirty freshman, shot him the 'call me' sign and sauntered away.

"LOOK HOW MORE POLAR I AM THAN YOU!" Roger yelled in Jack's face, eyes streaming from the sting of the alcohol. Jack pushed him away.

"Don't you mean 'popular'?" Ralph asked quietly.

"NO! I. AM. A. STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Roger screamed at the top of his lungs, "I'M BEAUTIFUL; YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"

"Ok, Roger," Jack smiled strangely, "Um…I think it's time you went to you room and calmed down a bit…you're scaring people."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO! SSHUT UP! YOUR FACE MAKES ME CRY WHEN I SLEEP!"

Roger broke down into a fit, and Jack let him be then. Ralph backed up and leaned against Jack, sighing uneasily into his ear.

"I don't think they're supposed to do that."

"No. but it is funny."

"I suppose."

And thus concludes Roger's fifteen minutes of fame.

…

Roger woke up. He was sprawled out on the floor, and sunlight streamed in from the open curtains. He groaned and rolled to his feet. His head was absolutely _pounding_. What had just happened? The last thing he remembered was drinking a glass of wine with those two idiots…wait, had he been chewing gum before? Did he even own a pack of gum?! He spit it out on the floor in disgust. That's when he noticed it. People he didn't know were on his couch. Music was playing loudly on the stereo.

Fuuuuuck themmmm…

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! GET YOU SORRY ASS IN HERE!"

…..

**Sorry for this.**

**I truly am. I just couldn't help myself….I had to have drunkass!Roger in here at least once….just once. DON'T KILL ME!**

**XD**

**Anyway, thanks for all those who reviewed last time, and for all the people who will review. Also, thank you for my readers, for hanging in through all this inappropriate, sucky, stupid crap. I REALLY need to check myself. Before a wreck myself. But, until then, I hope you enjoyed this. I'm sorry for not updating more often..**

**THANKS!**


	10. Sorry about your wall

EPIC TURKEY TIME

EPISODE: Sorry we broke your wall.

In the dorm, all was calm. It was unusually calm, actually. A strange silence had taken over the boys as they sat around their small table. All the food had been prepared; a thanksgiving feast. None of them had gone home for the holidays; where was there really to go? Roger's family had broken long ago, Ralph's parents were nice but they were out at his relatives, who didn't like him. Finally, Jack's parents would have nothing to do with him. They hated the choices he made for his life. All they asked was that he major in medical sciences and move on, and they would supply him with all the funds he would ever need.

"Alright, are we ready to eat?" He asked everyone.

"I think we should pray first." Roger suggested, "It's what my parents always did…well, at least my mother, when she was still with us."

"Is she dead?!" Ralph questioned anxiously.

"No…I just…she left. I never saw her again." Roger shrugged nonchalantly, trying to show that he didn't care, or at least act like it didn't. It shouldn't.

"Alright then." Jack agreed, "You can pray if you want."

Roger started nervously, unsure, "Dear Lord Jesus…um…hi? Thanks for all the things we've been given this past year. Thank you for college, and that I can afford it. And even though…even though sometimes I'm convinced I hate my life, it's really not that bad. At least it keeps me on my toes, huh?"

"And thank you for my friends!" Ralph broke in, "Even though Roger hates us!"

"I don't actually hate them." Roger grumbled to God, "They're just annoying."

"Ask God to fix us." Jack laughed.

"It doesn't work that way." Roger shot back.

"Alright, now that the formalities are done with, there's something I'D like to say!" Someone shouted. A girl with medium-long brown hair and grey eyes kicked down the door, then stood by the table triumphantly. She cleared her throat as the boys stared, confused.

"Hey everybody!" She waved and grinned happily, adjusting her thick hipster glasses on the bridge of her nose, "I just wanted to break in to give my thanks! I'm so thankful to all my readers for sticking in there, and for all the people who reviewed too! I know it's been a long year, but it's gonna be quite a while before I quite writing, and part of that's thanks to all of you! No matter where you are in the world, no matter how old you are, or what you look like, all of you readers are important to me! I love writing, whether it be for you, or my own intents and purposes! This fandom is my home, and I'm thankful for all you wonderful peepz! Thanks for welcoming me into the fanfiction world; I hope you can tough it out one more year with me! Thank you so much!" The girl gave each boy a hug, then ran back out the door.

It was oddly silent for a while.

"What the hell was that?" Roger asked grudgingly.

"To hell if I know." Jack responded. Ralph waved goodbye, laughing like a madman.

Suddenly, the door whipped back open, and the girl appeared again, poking her head in the door and looking rather embarrassed.

"Oh yeah…." She slowly apologized, "I also wanted to announce that I in NO WAY endorse drinking or the action of getting drunk. It's for comedic purposes only! Sorry for any confusion! Don't drink guys!"

And with that, she left.

Roger frowned, then turned back to the table.

"Amen."

…**.**

**Not much of a holiday episode, I know. But, on the bright side, it's something.**

**And really, you guys, thank you.**

**Thank you.**


	11. Deck the Halls with balls of Holly

**Hey.**

**I'm sorry.**

**This episode is terrible.**

**I'm just trying to Segway into the next episode.**

**Again, I'm sorry….;-;**

…**.**

EPIC INNUENDO TIME

EPISODE: Deck the halls with balls. Of Holly.

Roger snapped the pencil in his hand, chancing a look up at Ralph and Jack on the opposite bed.

Crap…

Puppy dog eyes, again? Really, couldn't Ralph just be a little more original? Roger sighed and rolled his eyes, shoving aside his homework. He wasn't getting anything done anyway.

"Fine." He admitted, "You want to set up a Christmas tree, be my guest. Go set up the biggest fucking tree you can chop down in the forest, decorate it with dead animals you find in a back alley, just please get out of this room, NOW."

"YES!" Ralph leaped up and cheered in triumphant victory. Roger sighed. He wasn't looking forward to this. In fact, it made him a little bit scared. But there was no way in hell he would allow himself to be drugged for the sake of them putting up a freaking Christmas tree. Rufiline, really?! Where did they even get that?! Who was stupid enough to sell Jack drugs?!

"I'm going out to buy ornaments!" Jack called behind him as he walked out of the dorm room.

"Use your own freaking money!" Roger called back with equal verve. Back to work, he decided; don't let them bother you anymore. He turned back to his homework assignment, scrutinizing each and every word. He hated analyzing documents, especially when you had to hand write a paper afterwards. College sucked, he should start a band.

"HEY! ROGER, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!" Ralph crooned. Something was making an awful lot of noise in the hallway, brustling around and crashing.

"I don't want to, Ralph. Think about what you just said, for just one minute, and how it could possibly apply to me and you especially." Roger frowned, "No, just no."

"Not like that!" Ralph whined, "I need your help setting up the tree!"

"Where did you even get a tree?"

"We had one in the closet!"

"Which closet?"

"That closet."

To Roger's knowledge, they had no closet. But, with the constant flow of crap in their dorm, anything was possible. Who knows, maybe there was a secret basement room! Roger had never seen the floor before, so he might never know!

"Fine, but you owe me for this one." Roger shouted angrily.

"Yeah, yeah." Ralph waved it off. However, when Roger got through the door, he couldn't even see that.

Where was Ralph? All he could see was a giant freaking tree.

"What the hell is that." Roger asked flatly.

"A tree~." Ralph piped up from within the branches.

"It that a _real_ tree?"

"Yes~."

"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE A _REAL _TREE IN OUR CLOSET? HOW LONG HAS THAT BEEN IN THERE?!" He shouted.

"A week~"

"Dear Lord." Roger pinched the bridge of his nose, "Why?"

"Because~" The tree shuffled a bit towards the sofa, groaning in struggle. Roger watched, finding great amusement in this. At one point, he even laughed as Ralph fell over and slumped out of the tree. Ralph looked up indignantly.

"Why are you so mean all the time?" He asked plaintively.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Roger mocked him with a knowing smile, "Do you mean _guitar hero_? Because I'm _already_ one of those!"

"Shut up, Roger." Ralph frowned. The expression was foreign and strange on his face. Roger gave him an odd look.

"I'll start being nicer when you stop faking."

"I'm NOT faking!" Ralph shouted. Roger backed off a bit. He'd never seen Ralph this angry since he came to college. In fact, he felt a bit bad about it now. Sighing, he moved over and tried to push the tree up to a standing position. Ralph moved him away.

"I can do it myself." He insisted.

"Whatever." Roger huffed, sitting on the couch. He flipped on the TV and watched for a while. Jack came back after a few hours, loaded down with grocery bags full of delicate glass.

"I'm back." He announced loudly.

"I've noticed!" Roger shouted back.

"Welcome home." Ralph muttered.

"Well," Jack smiled, "This holiday season is off to a bang!"

"NO MORE SEX JOKES." Roger scolded.

Everyone shut up.

…**.**

**I AM SORRY.**

**But, thank you for reading and please review if you have the time.**

**BTW, WE'VE ALMOST HIT ONE THOUSAND VIEWS! **

**WOOO!**


	12. I NEED MENTAL HELP

**AND ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, KATHERINE GAVE TO ME~~~!**

**A PIECE OF CRAP SHE CALLED LITERARY~~~!**

**AND ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS, SHE DECIDED TO WRITE BARTON HOLLOW~~~!**

**WHICH SHE THINKS IS AWESOME AND THAT YOU SHOULD READ~~~!**

**AND ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS, KATHERINE GAVE TO ME~~!**

…

**NOTHING BECAUSE SHE IS LAZY!**

**It's December first, and you know what that means….**

**Anyway, hope you like this short thing I decided to write in celebration of the holiday season. By the way, is it just me or are Christmas songs very annoying? Everyone thinks I'm crazy…but…I DON'T LIKE TO ROAST CHESTNUTS ON A FIRE, OK?!**

**SIGH**

…

EPIC CHRISTMAS DAY

EPISODE: I NEED MENTAL HELP

Ralph jolted awake from his fitful slumber. The room glowed softly, and no one else was awake. Quietly, he threw off his covers and padded down the hall and into the kitchen. Something tapped him on the shoulder and he spun, lashing out at his assaulter.

"Simon!" He screeched upon seeing the small boy, looking rather peeved and tapping his foot rhythmically. "I thought you were dead."

"This is a dream." Simon said. "You're dreaming and basing it on fictional Christmas stories your mother read as a child. That's probably why I'm so dumb, and all I can think about is fucking Jack and cheese. By the way, I can play the piano. Have you heard me play the piano, bitch? I can fucking rock out on that thing. Like, big time."

"Yes." Ralph nodded seriously, "Yes you can."

Suddenly, Simon slapped Ralph across the side of the face.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"That was for being an idiot." Simon frowned. "Also, I'm the ghost of Christ-a-miss past. So listen up."

"I'm listening." Ralph whimpered, nursing his bruised cheek.

"You suck."

"Thank you."

"No. Not like that." Simon laughed, "I mean, when you were a kid, you were really funny looking and sucked at everything! Come look!" The boy snapped his fingers and instantly they were standing in Ralph's old living room. A baby version of himself was playing at the top of the stairs, throwing Lego bricks joyfully down the wooden steps.

"Awwww…." Ralph sighed. "I'm so…"

Suddenly, the small child tumbled headfirst down the staircase and landed at the bottom with a thud. He seemed unphased.

"…Falling."

"Yeah." Simon chuckled. "You're good at that."

"Sucks to this." Ralph said angrily. "I wanna see my future. Past-Simon is stupid."

Simon rolled his eyes and teleported them back to the dorm's hallway. "Fine." He admitted, already fading away. "But you asked for it."

With that, he was gone. Ralph shrugged his shoulders, forgetting all about everything that had just happened, and went into the kitchenette. Throwing open the refrigerator door, Ralph screamed in surprise.

Roger was crammed into the fridge, drinking milk straight from the carton. Also, it is worth mentioning that he was dressed as the Cheshire cat.

"Dude, your dreams are freaky." Roger gurgled between swigs of milk. Ralph just stood by as if this was completely normal. Replacing the milk carton on the shelf and climbing out of the fridge, Roger sighed.

"What are you doing drinking milk?" Ralph asked curiously, "I thought you were lactose intolerant."

"This is a dream, doofus." Roger scoffed, "Since when in real life would I ever dress up in a Cheshire cat costume?"

Nobody said anything about Roger being in the fridge.

"Alright!" The black-haired boy smiled sadistically, "Time to show you the future, Ralph. Are you ready?"

"Yes."

Ralph blinked. When he opened his eyes again, he was standing in a grave yard in front of his own tombstone.

"Dafuq."

"I never said when in the future I was taking you, moron." Roger laughed maniacally, "But seriously, this is the happiest I've ever been in my life, and I wasn't even the one who killed you."

"…Can we go back now?" Ralph frowned sadly, "You're depressing."

"Fine. I hate you anyway."

When Ralph blinked once more, He was staring into the empty fridge, all the food it used to contain spread across the floor at his feet. He guessed that the ghost of Christmas present would be visiting him soon. Instead of dwelling on that fact, he left the fridge and crashed onto the couch. A muffled shout come from beneath him.

"RALPH! YOU'RE SITTING ON ME."

Ralph got up and stared at the couch. It wasn't actually his couch. It was someone he knew dressed up as his couch. Overall, the costume was very impressive.

"Ohai, Mrs. The rapist." He greeted. "I thought you were on vacation."

"No." She said angrily, "I'm actually a couch. And I told you, I'm not a rapist. I'm a therapist."

"It's spelled the same." Ralph pointed out. "Why are you a couch?"

"Because I have no commendable features and this is all that you can remember of me."

"That you're a couch?"

"No, that I have couches in my office."

"Yes. Yes, you do."

There was an awkward silence.

"Well…" His therapist sighed, "Uh…"

"This is too weird." Ralph said, "Can I wake up now?"

"Alakazam-wikipedia-shamwow!"

Ralph woke up.

….

As Ralph finished his story, his friends sighed in disbelief and confusion.

Roger pinched the bridge of his nose and squinted his eyes shut.

Even Jack looked confused.

"You have issues." Roger flatly stated, "Can we get on with this whole 'presents' thing you were talking about? I want to go back to bed." He looked uncomfortable sitting on the floor in his pajamas; long-sleeves and pants in blue and white stripes.

"Oh, yeah." Jack snapped out of his confused trance, "I forgot. Roger, this is your first Christmas, isn't it?"

"Yeah." He answered, "My family isn't the traditional kind. We didn't have that much money, and our house was kind of small. My mom and dad don't talk to me anymore…well, I guess they never did. Unless they were screaming at me."

Ralph smiled. "We could be your family! It'll be fun!"

There was a sentimental pause in which Roger seemed to be thoroughly thinking this through.

"Not in your wildest dreams." He grimaced.

Everyone laughed. It was the best Christmas they had ever had.

…**..**

**The tack is abundant, yes?**

**Think of this as my Christmas present, from me to you. If you really love me, you could gift me back by reviewing!**

**Thanks to all of you guys, by the way. I love having people read my stories and enjoying them. None of this would be possible without you. None of my friends I know personally even come close to understanding this HIGH FREAKING LEVEL of literature. I'm glad you understand! XD**

**Merry EARLY Christmas.**

**~Katherine**


	13. Go Cops!

**Hi there, people of the interwebz. I'm back once again, and in the mood for updates. I have a feeling that I should probably be working on hale protocol, BUT MOMMY, I DON'T WANT TO!**

**Yeah, I really don't feel like it.**

**I need to.**

**I need to.**

**But….**

**Maybe later. :P**

**BTW—there's a whole bunch of spelling errors in this one. **

**I KNOW. They're supposed to be there. C:**

…**..**

EPIC PAROLE TIME

EPISODE: Go Cops!

It was on days that Roger was away for work that the two boys got into the most trouble. Especially on Saturdays like this one, when everything was peaceful and just begging to be disturbed. Jack got up off the couch and grabbed his wallet.

"Hey, Ralph," He crooned, "Let's go out."

"Ummm…but what about Roger's rule? We're not allowed to go out when he's not home…" Ralph responded worriedly, always one to think about rules first.

"Who cares? He'll never know!" Jack retorted. Cautiously, Ralph stood up and followed Jack as he went out the door.

"Fine, but we can't do anything too rash."

**-TWELVE HOURS LATER-**

Roger sat Ralph and Jack down on the couch, looking sternly in each of their eyes.

"What did I tell you?" He sighed.

"Don't…_hic_…play bad music in the house…espessisally one direction."

"_YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL_!"

"Dear Lord, you two need help." Roger scowled, "I gave you one job. I told you, stay out of trouble, and you can't even do that. Are you trying to ruin my life?!"

"No….wait…maybe. Yes." Ralph giggled, "Yeah, yeah!"

"Tell me again, exactly what you were doing?" Roger sternly ordered, "Now."

"_Well_….It all started when we went to the bar…" Jack started the story, leaving Roger only to listen in wonder at their stupidity.

…..

Naturally, the first place Jack took Ralph was the bar; only he'd forgotten about their strict ban in that particular place. Little needs to be said; they were thrown out by some 'muscle-bound freak' as soon as they were recognized.

Although, by that time, they were already pretty drunk.

"I didn't know Ricky was a bouncer!" Jack laughed, gripping the trunk of one of the community-planted trees for support in his wobbly world. Ralph tipped his head at a ninety degree angle, eyes wistful and glazed.

"Yeaaaah."

"Let's call a cab, Ralph." Jack beckoned him closer, "If we donut get home befuur Roger, hees gonna be angry."

"Kay, kay." Ralph reached in his pocket and handed Jack a rock. For some reason he had a rock in his pocket. Only God knows where he got the thing, and it was also covered in sparkles. But, considering it was Ralph, this was pretty normal. Jack dialed a number in on the chosen stone and had a conversation with it. It seemed as if it had a wicked sense of humor. When he was finished, he handed it back to the blonde and Ralph replaced it in his pocket.

"They're gonna pick up us." Jack hiccupped, sliding down the tree, into a sitting position. Ralph laughed and joined him, sitting on the red-head's lap. With their luck, the cab probably wouldn't come until late at night. What time was it again? Ralph checked his watch, but the numbers just looked like gibberish. They swirled together, and didn't make any sense.

He hated being drunk.

He hated drinking.

But he would never _ever_ tell Jack Merridew.

"It's here." Jack announced haphazardly, trying to get to his feet and failing to remember that Ralph was with him. Ralph stumbled to his feet, using the same tree to steady himself as Jack had before. He followed Jack into the parked car in front of them, not even checking the color of the car, not even checking that it was a cab in the first place.

It wasn't.

It was a police car.

The cop sitting up front looked back as two drunken idiot college kids stumbled into his car. He had never encountered this type of situation before, and was unfamiliar with how to handle this.

"Oh, look Ralph, it's one of those new fancy ones with the gates between the driver…Sir, mister driver sir, could you take Ralph and I to the campus housing down the street? Thanks."

"I think you have the wrong car, mister."

"No, no! It's okay, I'm cab."

"…what?"

"I think imunna be sick…" Ralph croaked, struggling with the window mechanism. Instead, he opened the door and fell face-first onto the pavement. He proceeded to throw up all over the tree, which probably didn't feel too loved at this point. Contrary to popular belief, Ralph did not hold his liquor very well.

"Alright, you boys are going to be in some trouble now," The cop unbuckled his own seatbelt and moved to Jack's window. He tapped on it in testing. "Sir, can you put down the window?"

"The window?" Jack repeated.

"Yes, the window." The officer asked.

"Yeah, it's up."

"I know it's up, but can you put it down?"

"….It's already up."

"For the love of…ugh…" The officer opened the door and pulled out his breathalyzer, holding it up to Jack's eye level, "Breath into this for me, would you?"

"Nuh-uh, naughty!" Jack teased, falling back in the seat and laughing breathily, "That's not my job…"

"Sir…?" The police officer was clearly confused, "Am I going to have to call in for back up?"

"More than one is too many…" Jack groaned, "Plus, I've got a boyfriend, and he's right here…right…over there." Jack pointed to the ajar door on the other side of the car, where Ralph was struggling to get back inside the car. The blonde waved at the officer and went back to his arduous task of re-entering the vehicle.

"That's not what I'm talking about." The cop grimaced, "This is a breathalyzer, it tests how drunk you are. I need you blow into the straw at the end, got it?"

"Uh-uh!" Jack giggled, pushing it away.

"Just…Jeez!" The officer held Jack down, struggling to put the breathalyzer to Jack's lips. Jack, on the other hand, laughed and giggled, pushing him off and kicking.

"Ralph!" He cried, still laughing, "I'm getting raped, I'm getting raped!"

"Wha-!" Ralph was at attention immediately. "Get off of him, he's mine!"

Ralph tried vainly to push the cop away from Jack, groaning with effort. The officer, sensing the idiocy in the air, moved away and started dialing a number on his real phone; it was not a rock.

"Hey, Ralph," Jack whispered. Ralph got back in the car, closing the door behind him, looking Jack square in the eyes. "Can you drive us home?"

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" Ralph responded, chipper as usual. He climbed up to the front seat and put the car in gear. Unfortunately, the officer had left the keys in while dialing for help. Why didn't he just use the radio? Jack thought that maybe it was because the officer was inexperienced. Wait, wait, he wasn't thinking anything. Never mind.

"I got the car to life." Ralph called back to Jack, "Now what?"

"You…you know, you drive it. Like Roger does, remember?" Jack said, still staring at the ceiling in disinterest.

"Exactly like Roger does?" Ralph asked worriedly.

"Yeah, isn't that how everyone drives?"

"Okay then…here goes nothing."

Ralph put the car in gear.

…

At around that time, Roger was driving home from work, depressed and exhausted. There was nothing worse than driving back to your place of residence knowing that there would be no solace there either. In short, both his home life, his college life, and his work life sucked. They sucked so bad that they sucked probably more than Jack and Ralph did in their spare time. Roger shuddered at the bad mental image he'd given himself. Somehow, that affected him more than dead bodies. He pulled into the dorm parking lot and sighed, taking the keys out of the ignition. He headed inside.

"Jack! Ralph! I'm home," Roger called as he hung up his coat in the entry way, "You better not have caught the freaking house on fire again!"

There was no response.

Sighing again, Roger plopped down on the couch and turned on the TV, watching without interest. Ralph and Jack were probably doing less than attractive things in the bedroom, so he'd stay out of there. Plus, there was really no telling what went on in the city when he was at work, so he turned the news on by habit and took a reader's digest off of the coffee table. He tried to concentrate on the articles it held, however when an unusual emergency broadcast flickered to life on the news only a moment later, he couldn't help but look up in fury.

"-Today, in the city, there's a hot pursuit heading towards inner London, looks like the people in question are heading for the college dorm house not five miles away! After stealing a police car, two drunken students went on a rampage through the city! Look at that, it's not like you see that every day!"

While the newscaster reported dutifully, a piece of video feed played over and over again on the Tellie. It was a police car, sirens blaring and lights flashing, as it crashed through oncoming traffic and through little booths on the side of the road. The broadcast continued, and as it did Roger's anger only escalated.

"The suspects have been identified as Ralph and Jack, two attendees of a community college outside of London state. More officers are en route, and in the process of contacting their headmaster and roommate!"

"Oh my God." Roger shouted, "They are DEAD."

…

"ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS IS HOW ROGER DRIVES?!" Ralph screamed above the tinny sound of the sirens, blaring above them. The car leaped as he drove it over a median, again.

"YES!" Jack laughed, "HE'D BE SO PROUD OF US! JUST LOOK, WE'RE DRIVING SO GOOD THAT THE COPS MIGHT EVEN GIVE US A LISCENSE WHEN THEY CATCH US!"

"I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHY THEY'RE CHASING US! DON'T YOU THINK THEY'RE A LITTLE BIT MAD?!" Ralph shouted back. His head couldn't handle all this noise. The road swerved in front of him with uncertainty.

"NAW, MAN!" Jack answered, laughing as the car jumped again and deposited him on the floor, "THEY LOVE US!"

"OKAY!" Ralph turned the car, too-fast, into a four-way intersection and almost crashed into ten other cars. Oddly enough, the fact that they had stolen a cop car had saved their lives many a time that day. So far, it had been _five hours_ since the chase started. It's not as if they'd noticed though.

"ROGER'S GOING TO BE PISSED!" Ralph wailed.

"HAHAHAHA!" Jack laughed like there was no point in caring. In fact, he actually sounded happy. And because he was happy, Ralph was able to find happiness in that too. They both laughed; For Ralph, it was the first genuine noise for a very long time.

…

Roger, once their story had been completed, looked up strangely. They'd been let off the hook, luckily, with only a small fine and some public service for their offences.

He was starting to think he was crazy.

Or maybe he was crazy for not being angry.

Maybe he was just crazy for not thinking that they were crazy. Either way, when he saw the expressions on their faces as they retold their tale, he let them off the hook as well. There was no use wasting his time.

He would let them have this little piece of happiness.

Just this once.

"Next time though!" He called back to them before slamming the bedroom door, "I WILL kill you both. Don't EVER leave this place without my permission! I expect better of you two!"

Ralph and Jack smiled and agreed all too cheerfully.

…

**Alright, I think Ralph and Jack have had their fun. **

**Now, for a brief A/N**

**I hope you enjoy my stories, you guys, I really do. HOWEVER, if they get too offensive please don't hesitate to tell me.**

**Also, please please with a cherry on top review! I love just having you read, but actually getting your feedback makes it really special for me! THANKS FOR READING! BYE!**


	14. Jack's Therapy

EPIC PARTY TIME

EPISODE: The Therapy Sagas -Jack—

Once yearly, ever since their return from the island, all of the boys would have a meeting. It was usually over a break of some sort. This particular one happened to fall on Christmas break.

Of course, with them all being together, this was the perfect opportunity for Roger's therapist to get in on the fun. Therefore, she asked that each boy come visit her during the duration of their gathering. Jack was the first to willingly go, surprising enough.

Thus commenced the therapy sessions.

"So, you were just telling me," the therapist, Ms. Plum, continued, "you and Ralph were worst enemies on the island…but you're…dating?"

"Uh-huh." Jack answered despondently, flipping through a magazine. He'd long ago finished his own therapy visits; Roger was the only one who still went to them. It was mostly due to his less-than-normal urges to hurt people.

"How did that even come about?" Ms. Plum asked sincerely. Truly, deep in her heart, she wanted to know.

"Well…."

…A FEW YEARS EARLIER…...

It was the eleventh grade, and Jack was furious. Not only with himself, but with everyone in general; especially _that_ kid, the one who seemed to haunt him above all others. He sighed and leaned farther in his desk, listening only halfway to the teacher's lectures on how to properly speak Latin. He doubted you could even speak it…wasn't Latin a written language?!

"Jack…pst…Jack…JACK!" It was Maurice's voice. The crazy-haired boy had seemingly left the island all behind, even though it had only happened really two years ago. Then again, he didn't kill anybody.

"What?!" Jack shouted back, whirling to the seat behind him, where Maurice usually sat. However, he was standing now, holding all of his belongings with his backpack slung over his shoulder.

"It's the end of class, dude!" He snapped.

"Already?" Jack asked.

"Yeah." Maurice laughed. He didn't stay for much longer though. A few moments later, a pretty brunette poked her head into the class and he was gone in a flash. It seemed girls liked Maurice; who wouldn't, with his winning attitude and open-ness about everything. He could have anybody in the whole school! However, he only chose this one girl, quiet and reserved. The issue bothered Jack to no end, even as he packed his things and walked to the next class.

He wished someone would love him like that.

He was too 'hostile'.

He was too 'brooding'.

Nobody ever said that about Roger, and look at him! He was the most cruel, twisted person Jack had ever met! He'd_ killed_ people! But still, girls chased him everywhere he went! Jack frowned. It's not like it was _girls_ he was after though…he sighed. Did he really just think that?

On his way through the halls, Jack ran right into some kid bustling around with all his books in his hands. They both lost their footing and tumbled to the ground. Jack recovered first and brushed himself off, giving the other a stern look.

"Why the hell are you carrying your books around like that?!" He grimaced, "Don't you own a book bag?!"

"S-sorry!" The other boy exclaimed hurriedly. He began scooping all his belongings together in a pile by his knees, still folded on the floor. It seemed he had a thing for fire duct-tape, because it was all over the place; little bracelets made out of the stuff on his wrists, covering all his books, some on his forehead. He looked awful scattered-brained for someone who attended a private boarding school. However, Jack thought to himself, he was a blonde.

"I'm really sorry I crashed into you like that!" The boy continued to breathily laugh it off, "You know, ever since I hit my head I've been acting a little funny. The rapists all say that it's got something to do with depth perception and all that crap, but I don't really see what that even is! Get it? 'Cause I can't see! Haha!"

Jack frowned again, stooping down to help the kid with his books. It was the least he could do. After all, the first step to changing his luck was to change his image, right? "If you're so blind, then you should really wear glasses."

"Oh, I could never do that…" The boy said, quieter. Not once did he meet Jack's eyes. Not once. Jack raised an eyebrow.

"Why not?"

"Because! That's awful stupid of you!"

"Wh-what?!" Jack exclaimed, "I'm not sure I understand!"

"Idiot!" The other boy accused teasingly, looking up quickly. Jack stumbled back in surprise. Those blue eyes couldn't have belonged to anyone else he knew in his lifetime.

"Ralph?!" He shouted, "What are you doing here?!"

"What the hell are you screaming at?" Ralph scoffed, sticking out his tongue briefly, "I can go wherever I want, Jack Merridew! Or, are you going to hunt me again?"

"No, I've-"

"-'Cause I'm just that attractive, aren't I!"

"R-Ralph! What are you talking about?!" Jack muttered, half-astonished. Where had the _real_ Ralph gone? Who the bloody hell was this moron taking his place?!

"Ohoho!" Ralph leaped to his feet, dropping all his books again in the process. The bell rang, announcing that they had already made each other late for class. "So, I AM attractive, huh?! Well, I'm here to inform you that I am ONE HUNDRED percent available! So, what do you think, Jack Merridew? Are you too good for me?!"

"Uh…no…but…"

"See, see!" Ralph shouted, "That's cool then! I'll see you tonight!"

"What?!"

"Byeee!" Ralph collected his belongings quickly and went on his way without any further explanation. "See you tonight, Merridew!"

"What was that about?" Jack rubbed the back of his neck and muttered under his breath in wonder. Yes, Ralph had been on his mind lately. But what the heck had happened? He had heard that Ralph suffered some minor head trauma from the island. MINOR.

Oh…Oh well then?

Jack moved on with it.

….BACK TO PRESENT

"So…you just…saw him in the hallway?" Ms. Plum frowned, "After all those years? That doesn't seem very plausible…"

"I know." Jack laughed, "But I'm glad it happened. I keep meaning to ask him what he was doing at my school, but I never get around to it. It's probably not important though, huh?"

"Maybe not." Ms. Plum said, writing a few things down before continuing again, "But, I would ask if it comes up ever."

"Yeah, will do." Jack waved it off, "Does that mean I can go now?"

"Sure." Ms. Plum sent him on his way. "Send Roger in on your way out!" she called after him. Jack gave her the thumbs up.

"Good luck!" He crooned in a sing-song voice, "You're going to need it for all the weird things he's got to tell you!"

…**..**

**Yo, yo. Sorry for the lack of humor and Roger in this episode. I Truly am. HOWEVER, this story does have an underlying plot I need to keep up. The next episode will be better, I promise XD**

_**NAO IZ TIEM FOR REVIEW RESPONSES~~You guys reviewed a lot lately! Thxies!**_

**Annalise12~**

**Thank you! I'm glad you lieked it! I'm also glad I make you smile :D It makes me happy to hear I'm putting smiles on other people's faces! Ps-this story is FAR from perfection, but thanks for the awesome compliment XD Thanks for reviewing!**

**Cocolada~**

**Dewd, you review all the time for my stories. You are one dedicated reader. My heart goes out to you! AND IM TRYING TO WRITE HALE PROTOCOL! WAHHH….It's just making me really depressed…*sniff* It's in progress though, I promise! Meep to you too!**

**HopefulSmiles~**

**Ah! Your keyboard is working again! And, yes, about Ralph's 'mask'…I'm glad you picked it up. AS OBVIOUS AS I MADE IT XD. It becomes important in later episodes, so yes, I will definitely try to keep it up. I'm glad you like it! Thanks for reviewing!**

**Nightkill~**

**You review an awful lot too! This makes Katherine happy, when people review :D. See, that's mah happy fais!**

**I'm glad that you like my story, especially since you write lots of funny stories yourself! It means a lot! Thanks!**

**PhoenixBlaze5~**

**I'm glad you like my story, phoenix! As asked, I updated rather speedy-quick! ALSO: I hope YOU update YOUR story as well! It's awesome, and for all you guys reading these responses, you need to read it if you like Jalph or just feels in general. AWL TEH FELS! Thanks for reviewing!**

**ALRIGHT! THANKS FOR READING, PLEASE REVIEW, ALL THAT JAZZ! WRITE YAH IN A BIT!**


	15. Roger's Therapy

EPIC CONTINUED CONSISTENCY TIME

EPISODE: Therapy Saga—Roger-

Roger was next, and naturally he had some stories to tell.

"Hey, Ms. Plum." He groaned as he sat down in one of the many chairs in the room. Ms. Plum adjusted her poof of hair and grabbed a clean sheet of paper from a pile of things on her coffee table. She attached it to her clip board and was ready to begin.

"So, Roger, Jack and I were just talking about his relationship."

Roger groaned louder, covering his ears and squinting his eyes shut. Ms. Plum had long learned to deal with his sometimes rude outbursts.

"Anyway," She began again, watching him with a sharp eye to make sure he didn't say anything more, "I was just wondering when you noticed it. Can I get your perspective on this?"

"Oh." Roger grimaced, "OH. That was the day of our high school graduation."

"Hm?" Ms. Plum piped up curiously, "He told me that Ralph showed up and they went on their first…date…in the middle of his junior year."

"Well, I do remember that Ralph came back our junior year." Roger offered, "But Jack didn't tell anyone about it if they were in a relationship then. You know, now that I think about it though, he did act a little strange those days…"

"You said something about graduation day. What happened on that day?" Ms. Plum queried, clicking the top of her pen in preparation. Roger looked at her sternly.

"Do I have to?"

"If you would please." The therapist urged.

Roger grimaced and shuddered just remembering it, but swallowed his anger either way and began his tale.

"Well, Ms. Plum," He sighed, "It's perfectly acceptable for me to say that the day of my high school graduation was the worst day of my life. It started out good, right? And it definitely was supposed to be happy for me…however…my life just HATES me. Here's what they did to me on that day, and it's probably why I hate them so much…"

…ROGER'S GRADUATION DAY…

"Everything…is going…perfect…" Roger whispered under his breath shakily, trying to calm his emotions without off and killing someone. "This…is going…to be…the best day…of your freaking life…"

"What are you muttering about now?" Jack accused from behind him. Their line up may have been by last name, but that somehow just made it that much more easy for fate to screw with him. The last thing Roger had wanted was Jack Merridew breathing down his neck during graduation ceremony, but no. Things just had to be this way, didn't they!? Roger put on his most convincing smile, which just happened to be rather evil-looking, turned to the bleacher above and behind him, looked Jack right in the eyes, and prepared himself to speak to the red-head.

"My therapist says that I shouldn't talk to you anymore." He hissed through the smile quietly, "Jack, please leave me alone."

"Why is your therapist so uptight?" Jack asked, muffled by the gum he was chewing in his mouth. Dear Lord, did he have to do that everywhere?! Roger desperately hoped that Jack might accidently swallow it and choke and die! He checked the thought. No more killing, Roger, no more killing.

Ugh! But Jack made him so angry. He was the real reason Roger turned out like this! If only he had kept his mouth shut on that damned island!

"She's not uptight." Roger explained slowly, "She's just trying to help me. Get it? HELP. H-E-L-P. Can you spell that for me?"

"You know, Rog," Jack teased, "I get the feeling that you think I'm overwhelmingly stupid."

"I SWARE IF YOU CALL ME THAT ONE MORE TIME, MERRIDEW, I WILL-" Some teacher up front, in front of the closed curtain, gave them both the 'shush' sign and walked away with an acid-filled gaze. Roger frowned and swallowed another round of nearly enveloping urges. His fingers flexed around an invisible spear as lurid fantasies came to life before his closed eyes. How bad he wanted to…kill Jack Merridew!

"Are you mad?" Jack whispered.

"Why would I be mad?" Roger laced sarcasm into his quiet voice.

"What did you say, buddy?" Jack popped a bubble in his gum, "I couldn't hear you."

"Oh, nothing…"

"Okay then," Jack said a little bit louder as the curtain opened and the gathered relatives and friends in the auditorium clapped. Their black caps and gowns suddenly felt very uncomfortable. "Just so you know though, my speech is going to be fantastic."

"What are you going to do?" Roger huffed, his whole day ruined. Thanks, Merridew. Always one for surprises.

"Oh, you'll find out."

"I swear, if you ruin this day for me any more than you already have, I will ship you back to that island in a BOX and personally carry out your death sentence." Roger shot back at him in a silent hiss, "and you better believe I'm gonna be laughing."

"Geez, Rog, calm down. It's none of your business what I do with my life."

Roger shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to ignore Jack for the moment. There was no telling what listening would do to his already fragile mind. This graduation ceremony would probably earn him at least five trips to the therapist.

Names were called shortly after the curtain opened; it seemed like the headmaster didn't have much to say about their class, besides the fact that a few of its prominent members had gone missing for almost nine months. On the other hand, the class was great at problem solving and acts of great…oh, whatever. Roger had stopped listening to the opening speech after that. All that mattered was that when his name was called, he remembered to go up to the front and get his diploma. That he remembered his name at all would be a great feat.

Luckily, he remembered. There was that brief pause as his name was called, as if he couldn't quite believe it. The truth was, he couldn't. How he got this far at all was both a mystery and a miracle to him. Then, after the pause, he tried to maintain his composure as he walked down onto the stage and received that sacred scroll of paper. Jeez, he felt as if this was his wedding day or something! Roger couldn't seem to stop shaking, even when he retreated to the sidelines and watched as everyone else in his class went up after him.

He paid no mind to the two empty seats where his parents should have been. One had been empty for every concert, every event in his life. The other was only fit to be ignored.

Suddenly, a familiar figure pushed their way through the already passed students and smiled up at Roger. This particular person he had no reasons to quarrel with. Yet.

"Hey, Roger." Ralph whispered, keeping a keen eye on the stage in front of them, "How are you?"

"I feel…great." Roger admitted, "Honestly, I'm just glad I passed my freshman year. I can't believe I actually got through all of high school…and get this, I just got my acceptance letter for college this morning."

"No way!" Ralph congratulated, "That's wonderful!"

"Yeah…full ride scholarship." Roger added with a touch of pride.

"Congrats!" Ralph smiled wider, "I'm thinking of colleges myself. My decsision…let's just say I'm waiting for someone else to decide first."

"Who's the lucky girl?" Roger elbowed him suggestively. Ralph went red.

"I…uh…you would approve!"

"Really?"

"Yup!"

Roger dismissed it and focused back on the rest of the ceremonies, the speeches. Ralph had been funny, ever since he showed up, unannounced, at their private boarding school last year. It was probably because of some…minor…head injuries…he had sustained. Maybe from rocks, or sticks sharpened at both ends. Either way, he was kind of dumb in the head and had a strange thing for anything with fire on it. Duct tape especially, for some reason or another…

At last, it was Jack's turn.

Ralph nudged his way up to the front of the crowd pressed up against the sidelines of the stage. Roger watched curiously. They_ had_ been hanging out a lot lately….

Oh_ no_…

"This can't be happening…" Roger watched, wide-eyed in horror and disbelief.

"Let's just say, my high school years were full of discovery!" Jack joked on the mike as he began his speech, "But, I couldn't be happier with the things I've found! One thing in particular I've been holding back from everyone…"

"No, don't say it…"

"Ralph, come back here!"

Ralph did as asked, standing much too close to the red-head to be safe or normal. Roger fought the urge to puke. Uh-uh! No!

"I'M GAY, BITCHES!" Jack screamed. They proceeded to give a show by making out for a…very…very…very…long time. Then, they ran off. Maurice, a junior at this point, whooped from the back of the auditorium.

"I KNEW IT!" he cheered. Some girl sitting next to him looked utterly in tears due to laughter. The headmaster looked about ready to smack somebody. Jack's parents looked furious and embarrassed beyond belief. Roger, on the other hand, felt so angry he might just kill somebody. He was going to explode…he was going to snap…damnitdamnitdamnit!

"JAAAAAAAAAAACK!" He hollered, "YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

People started to stare now, that is, if they weren't staring before. Maurice started to clap and laugh.

"Encore! Encore!" He shouted, "This is hilarious!"

"GET BACK IN HERE AND APOLOGIZE!" Roger ran off stage, trying to follow whatever hideous trail the two 'lovebirds' had left behind. He was beyond fuming at this point. He was at a full mental and emotional breakdown. This day had been successful…ly ruined.

"I HATE YOU TWO!" He screamed, "JACK, I'M BUYING THAT BOX NOW! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!"

And that was the start of the most awkward life Roger could ever imagine.

….

"So…that's all you know?" Ms. Plum asked uncomfortably. She did remember vaguely Roger's parents…parent…dragging him in, in a complete fit, on that day. However, that dark, brooding Roger of back then had not told her the issue.

Now she knew.

"And that's why my life sucks." Roger finished with a dubious smile, sounding perhaps a bit too happy and chipper, "Can I leave now?"

"You're excused. Send Ralph in next, please."

"Oh yeah, uh-huh." Roger frowned, "Make sure to take notes for me, I'd love to know what made the two morons hook up."

"That makes two of us."

…

**WOO **

**FAST UPDATING**

**Anywho, thank you for reading! This is getting relatively popular, isn't it?! I'm thankful for all of you awesome people who review and all of you awesome people who read/follow! I never in a million years thought I'd get this many reviews! C:**

**So, thank you guys!**

**I'm not going to do review responses this time, because they all pretty much say the same thing (Sorry…), but I will say: You're welcome Phoenix, it's well deserved, and to Hope: Thanks, I'll definitely keep it up! Thanks to nightkill for reviewing too!**

**THANKS FOR READING! I HOPE YOU STICK AROUND!**


	16. Therapy Ralph

Alright, so this is very depressing for an epic party time episode, but after this it will be funny again. SORRY FOR THE SAD.

THANKS FOR READING THOUGH, PLEASE REVIEW!

And the italics are not a song. It's just a small poem I put together to organize Ralph and Jack's thoughts.

THANKS

TIME EPIC PARTY

EPISODE SIXTEEN: The Therapy Sagas—Ralph—

….THIS IS A FLASHBACK SO DEAL WITH IT OKAY….

"Jack!" Ralph cried happily.

_Just pretend to be normal_

"I'm glad you decided to show!" He teased, "Don't you know though, it's bad to keep a guy waiting! You're late!"

The red head mumbled uncomfortably.

"What was that!?" Ralph joked, "I couldn't here you!"

"I said I was sorry."

_Acting like everything's okay_

Ralph and Jack stood under a lit street lamp in the parking lot of their boarding school. It was chilly and frigid on this particular night, and they technically weren't supposed to be out of their housing compartments. However, this was an exception in Jack's book.

He had a few things to say.

_Don't say a thing. Don't say a thing._

_ I think it's alright. I think it's alright._

"Hey, Ralph," He started uncomfortably once more. The blonde smiled like he had gotten used to these days, a placid, whimsical thing. "I…don't know how to say it…"

"Hmm?" Ralph sighed, "You got to be more open, you know!"

"It's about what happened on the island."

_If you ever want to leave_

_ And go far away _

_ I'll be here and waiting,_

_ Forevermore._

_ The raven flies, the raven flies,_

_ But trust me, it's alright._

Ralph laughed breathily, forcing the smile into place once more. It had slipped off though, just for a moment. Just long enough for Jack to realize something.

"Ralph, what's wrong?" He asked gently.

"Nothing's wrong!" Ralph chuckled back, "I don't know what you're talking about. You know, I think we should head off now, before someone finds us. I have some money for two bus tickets. We could go see a movie or something."

"No, I'll pay." Jack frowned, "But, really, I need to talk to you seriously about the island."

Ralph clenched his fist.

_And if you want to leave_

_ That's okay with me_

_ Just open the door_

_ And go. It's alright…_

"I…what island?" He muttered darkly.

"Ralph, I know you can remember! What's wrong with you!?" Jack shouted, "Just look at me for a minute, will you?! This is serious! Ever since we met this morning, you've been avoiding me and acting like some giddy goofball, and that's not how I remember you! What's wrong? It's okay, I swear I won't hurt you…not again!"

"I…" Ralph stopped the words on his tongue. "People change."

_To forget. You can forget._

_ Forget me._

"Let's just start as if we've never met, okay?" Ralph smiled. Jack was left only to wonder at what he should ever think of this strange new boy named Ralph.

So he said yes.

…..

"Oh, yes!" Ralph clapped his hands in the therapists room, sitting on one of the many chairs. Ms. Plum frowned and looked up from her paper.

"Hm?"

"You have couches just like my old rapist!" He squealed. Ralph's bright blonde hair was mussed and dirty from hanging out with old friends, from late nights without showers. His eyes were unreadable blue waters.

"Oh…that's nice…" She squeamishly replied, "But, I'm a therapist."

"Yeah, I know a rapist."

"Anyway…" Ms. Plum started again, "I was wondering if you could tell me anything about your first date with Jack."

"My…first date?" Ralph thought for a moment, then burst into laughter, "Oh, it was amazing! We went to the movies and saw something, but I can't remember what we saw and then we went to dinner and then we got in trouble because the headmaster caught us but he didn't know we were on a date so we didn't get in as much trouble as we should have. And then-"

"Okay! Okay!" Ms. Plum's mind whirred and spun, trying to catch up with Ralph's fast-paced speech. "That's a lot at once! Can't you slow down?!"

"What's the fun of that?!" Ralph let his words run into one another once more, "If you can't twist a tongue when the tongue needs a twistin' what's the twist of the twist that's twistin'?"

"What?" Ms. Plum exclaimed, confused and surprised. She'd heard lots of stories about Ralph's energy, but she hadn't expected this much!

"I had twelve cups of coffee!" Ralph buzzed, ecstatic.

"Shouldn't you be dead from that?!"

"Hahahahaha! You'd think so, wouldn't you, but it's just like liquid brain juice, isn't it?!" Ralph laughed ridiculously.

"Ahh…I think you can be dismissed…" Ms. Plum admitted defeat at last. She'd never in her life met someone with so much…charisma? No, that's not the word…stupidity? No….no…

"Thanks for having me, rape lady!" Ralph burst out in laughter and left in a breeze, slamming the door behind him as he left. Ms. Plum sunk into her chair, dropping her clipboard from a limp hand.

"That's it…annoying." She finally settled on a word, "That kid's annoying."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Ralph sunk to the floor, admitting in his own sort of way, a small defeat.

"Hehe…he…they catch on quick…" He breathed. Jack rounded the corner with a solemn expression marring his features.

"Did it go alright, Ralph?" He asked.

"Yeah!" Ralph snapped up at once, putting his smile on once more, "Let's get out of here."

"Okay." Jack shrugged and left with him.

_Just remember, if you ever need me_

_ I'll be here._

_ If you forget, if you forget._


	17. My Res Is To Stop Being So Damn Lazy

EPIC TIME…shit, I forgot about the party.

EPISODE: I lost track XC but happy New Year's anyway

"Don't cause ANY disturbances today!" Roger yelled above the water running from the sink tap, not looking away from the glittering surface of the mirror as he scowled angrily, getting upset with the way this was going already. "I know it's the new year and all, but you're on parole! At least, in this dorm you are!"

"What if we leave?!" Jack shouted back.

"I WILL CHAIN YOU TO THE BED POST LIKE THE ANIMALS YOU ARE!" Roger retorted even louder. He'd already bullet-proofed everything about his evening today, this was his last project. If only they'd co-operate…if they'd just do that then everything would go well. "Really, Jack, and you too Ralph, this means a lot to me and it would increase my faith in you both if you'd just not bother with my life just this once. Please?"

"What's so special about tonight?" Ralph poked his head through the bathroom door and frowned just slightly at the sight of Roger in a suit; the only one he owned, the grey one from picture day. Roger grimaced and peered back at the blonde uncomfortably. He hated suits.

"I'm going to a fancy dinner." Roger responded under his breath.

"With who? Don't you hate fancy dinners?" Ralph piped, "Oh! Oh! I know! It's for work!"

"Don't be silly." Jack broke in, kicking the door the rest of the way open. Ralph let out a high-pitched yelp of surprise and plummeted to the floor. Quickly, he picked himself off and brushed off. "Roger works at a grocery store. Why would they throw a fancy dinner party?"

"Maybe they wanted to be nice." Ralph pouted.

"Yeah, right!" Jack laughed light-heartedly, "Nice guess though."

"It's not for work!" Roger finally ended their bickering; he was getting sick of it himself. He sighed and loosened the tie around his neck, trying to actually tie the knot correctly instead of just half-assing it. "It's something I put together."

"Ooh!" Ralph clapped in approval.

"Why?" Jack growled, "Why weren't we invited?"

"Because…it's a…" Roger muttered the rest too low to be heard. Ralph leaned in curiously.

"Did Rogerkinz just say what I think he said?!" He smiled teasingly, "I think he did!"

"What?" Jack scoffed, still fuming.

"He's going on a date!" Ralph cheered. Jack was astonished for a moment before a smile crept across his face, mocking and devious. Together, they jeered and jumped up and down, making a mockery of the already foul-mooded Roger. He sighed again and rolled his eyes, shoving them out of the bathroom at once and slamming the door in his face.

"I made sure that everything would go perfectly!" Roger continued to insist from behind the wooden fortress, "She'll be here any minute, and then we're leaving! If you two mess this up, I'll mount you over our non-existent fireplace!"

Ralph and Jack exchanged a glance, and then shrugged apathetically.

"Whatevs." Ralph frowned, "But you should've let us help you."

"Nah." Jack helped Ralph to his feet while smiling wistfully, "I remember we were the same way. Wouldn't want to ruin the thrill of it for him."

"Let's go get fireworks!" Ralph changed the subject excitedly.

"NOT IN THE HOUSE!" Roger shouted from in the bathroom.

"Party poppers?"

"Fine."

As they started to walk towards the storage closet, Ralph added: "I think I have some sparklers left over too…let me go find them!" He ran off, back into the bunkroom where the bathroom and the extra closet were; nobody really knew how many closets they had in that door.

"Let me see…" He muttered to himself as he started to rummage through piles of stuff, "Let me see, let me see…is that…no…no…" He threw random items behind him as he found other things that really had no use.

"DOOR!" Jack screamed above the rustling.

"I'm kinda busy here!" Ralph shot back. Roger dropped something in surprise.

"Get that, Jack! It's her!" He shouted, "Please, don't do ANYTHING you'll regret!"

"Fine…" Jack groaned, abandoning his closet and rolling his eyes. He flung open the front door, revealing a smallish, petite…strange looking girl. She looked nervous.

"Hey there." Jack greeted, uninterested already, "Come in. Roger's takin' a dump…or something."

"Wha-what?"

Meanwhile, in the other room, Roger was almost ready. Ralph was still rummaging around in the piles. Suddenly, something occurred to him. The dots all came together, being drawn so with the likes of a three-year-old with a multicolored, oversized crayon.

Roger Girl.

Girl=reproduction and babies

Babies come from boys and girls.

Girls and boys on holidays…

Calculating…calculating. If you were perceptive enough, and were staring at these thoughts as they unfolded in Ralph's mind and twisted his expression, you might have thought he was breaking. Or dying. Or smoking. Or on drugs.

"ROGER!" Ralph screamed shrilly. In the other room, Jack and the female in question looked up in surprise. Ralph started banging on the bathroom door. "ARE YOU TAKING THIS GIRL OUT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET LAID!?"

"WHAT!?"

Now the female seemed VERY uncomfortable. She fidgeted and looked on the verge of crying. Jack rubbed the back of his head in distaste. He didn't interact with said females very well.

"Well…what's your name?" Jack squeamishly asked.

"C…Clover…Terris."

"Clover Terris." Jack frowned. That sounded familiar.

"ROGER'S GONNA GET LAID, ROGER'S GONNA GET LAID!" Ralph continued to loudly jeer, laughing all the while.

"Ah…you know, I think I might go." Clover squeaked, starting up. She had to move aside dirty laundry to get up off the couch. Jack started to panic. Roger would kill him for sure if she left. He grabbed her wrist and slammed her back on the couch. She screamed. That's when Ralph came in; of course, with his brain on overdrive he automatically jumped to conclusions.

"JACK!" He yipped, "You're cheating on me with a girl!?"

"Wh-what?!" Clover exclaimed, looking quickly from each of the boys. Jack released her quickly.

"No, no!" Jack stammered, "I-I can explain! I wasn't!"

"I know that, silly." Ralph calmed himself, winking and whipping out the thing he'd hidden behind his back. "Look what I found~~!"

"Sparklers!" Jack jumped up, and also pulled out his project; the party poppers. He smiled devilishly and put one between his legs, then engaged it. The confetti shot out in a loud blast. Clover trembled and looked very confused. Ralph lit the sparklers and started juggling them in a very dangerous manner.

"Aw, hot damn!" He cheered himself on, having Jack add more sparklers as he went, "Look at me go, look at me go! Why can't I hold all these sparklers?!"

"Go, Ralph!" Jack laughed.

"Uhh…" Clover wondered. Roger wandered out of the bathroom then.

The sight was not a welcome one.

"OH MY GOD." He shouted, dropping the things he had been holding. Probably just some random objects Ralph had misplaced in his search for the sparklers. "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE, I TOLD YOU TO BEHAVE!"

"I really should be going." Clover stood up and smiled gently, stopping them all. Ralph dropped the sparklers, and Jack stopped lighting them. He had at least five of the buggers in his hands already. Roger drooped as Clover took her leave, still wondering what the heck had just happened.

"I…ah…" He struggled to get a hold on it as well. "What did you do?"

"It's not our fault." Ralph pouted.

"…It kinda is." Jack admitted, much to the blonde's surprise and dismay. "I'm sorry, Roger."

Roger undid his tie again and collapsed onto the futon. Jack and Ralph exchanged a glance. The latter smiled warmly and enacted a plan, or more like a speech.

"Hey, Rogerkinz, do you like this girl a lot?" He began, "Like a lot a lot?"

"I did." He muttered, "Her parents were out of town and she didn't have anything better to do. I mean, this wasn't even supposed to be anything that romantic either…" He didn't even seem angry, just defeated. It was sad, really.

"Well then she should understand. I think you should go and catch her."

"What's that supposed to be?" Roger groaned.

"You should catch her before she falls." Ralph smiled wider, ignoring the gazes of Jack and Roger as they listened in perplextion. "I know from experience that everyone needs someone like that, even her. I bet she really wanted to have dinner with you too. I think you should find out."

"B-but…she's a girl!"

"That's pretty damn obvious." Jack broke in indignantly. Ralph took the gentler approach.

"Go get her. We'll cheer you on from here!" he pulled Roger up by the elbow and shoved him towards the door. "Go, come on! Now's your time!"

"But…I don't know what to do!" Roger complained, "Plus, my therapist says I shouldn't engage in any serious relationships before I'm feeling better…mentally."

"Your rapist just wants you all to herself, doesn't she?" Ralph jeered, continuing to push him towards the door. Roger braced himself against the walls. "Go kiss that woman!"

"I'm not gonna kiss her!"

"What kind of man are you?!" Ralph urged.

"A socially awkward one!" Roger kept on. He didn't care if he was coming off as an idiot anymore. "Stop touching me!"

"That sounded weird!" Jack broke in.

"Go kiss her! Don't make me start singing the little mermaid! I will, and you know it!"

"No!"

"GO ON AND KISS THE GIRL~~~!"

"Oh, shut it already!" Roger pushed him away and grimaced, "I'll go if you promise not to be such an ass all the time!"

"I could say the same for you!" Ralph pointedly said back, "Now get the fuck out there and kiss her!"

"I'M NOT GONNA KISS HER!" Roger insisted as he ran out the door. Jack and Ralph stumbled towards the window on the other side of their dorm. They opened it and looked out over the scene that would soon unfold below; as soon as they got outside, that is.

Ralph wistfully whistled and rested his chin on his arms, smiling up at Jack.

"I remember when you were like that." He sighed. Jack looked back at him indignantly.

"Yeah, you kinda forced me to be like that." He chuckled, "Not that I minded."

"Haha." Ralph laughed warmly, then faced the parking lot out the window again. "Looks like our Rogerkinz is all grown up."

"Faster than we did."

"Yeah!" Ralph smiled again and sniffed, almost standing to shed a tear, however embarrassing that may have been. It's a good thing he did. If he hadn't sniffed, he wouldn't have smelled the smoke from the sparklers catching their rug on fire.

"Aw, shit!" Jack laughed, "look what we've done now!" Ralph ran frantically towards the door, pulling the fire alarm on the direct outside of it. The alarm started braying. Water poured from the…water…thingies…above their heads. They ran out of the dorm house in a soaking mess.

Meanwhile, in a hallway on the way to the back exit of the building, two almost-strangers shared a kiss in the almost-rain. It was almost like the story books. Except more idiotic and ironic. It was even backed by the stupid fireworks that always went off on New Year's, illuminating the glass door that separated them from the outside.

But that was okay, at least for Roger. He was starting to understand why Ralph was acting for this.

…**..**

**HEY HOWDY HEY! GUESS WHO?**

**That's right, I finally updated this. Sorry for being so late, but my idea well was sorta dry. I actually wasn't going to upload this one, simply because it had the girl thing in it. I didn't think anybody would like that much, hell I'm not even sure I like it. But, I really needed to update. So, I did. Tell me if you don't mind clover in the slightest, or if you hate her guts, in the reviews. Either way, I don't think she's ever going to show up again in this series.**

**So, again, hello. I'm terribly sorry for not updating…:C**

**I hope you'll forgive me.**

**Thanks for reading! I hope I made you laugh out loud in front of your family in that weird, almost embarrassing sort of way that makes you have to explain the whole thing to them! I know that feel bro, I know that feel! Please review, if you have the time!**

**:D**


	18. New Years Resolutions yeah right

EPICAH PARTAH TIMAH

EPESODEH: New Year's Resolutions My Ass.

"So, Rogerkinz," Ralph piped up, "I have a question that's very important."

"If you ask me one more time, 'Roger, what's your new year's resolution?', I will kick you out of the window and into the parking lot. Then, I'll watch from above as you get hit by a car. And you know what I'll do then? I'll laugh. I WILL LAUGH MY FUCKING ASS OFF." Roger pointedly responded from the couch. He was always on the couch. This was probably because there was nowhere else to be; the floor was covered in garbage and the chair smelled like cigarettes and cat piss. There was always the bedroom, but Roger didn't really want to go in there. It brought back bad memories.

"That's not what I was going to ask at all." Ralph frowned.

"What is it then?" Roger huffed, sinking lower into the sofa, "What could you possibly want? You know what; I can't wait for break to be over. I don't know what I'll do with myself with all this spare time…or rather, I can't figure out what to do with you and Jack so that I can actually think straight."

"Can we have a party?"

"Oh, FUCK no." Roger quickly and automatically responded.

"WHY?" Ralph whined, standing in front of the TV. Roger grimaced. It wasn't like the blonde was bothering anything; the tellie wasn't even switched on. It was just the fact that he was there, and it didn't look as if he was going anywhere soon.

"I want you to think deeply on the question you just asked." Roger insisted with flat hand gestures, "I know it's hard for you, but it's an essential part of life, thinking is. So, what could you have done in the past that would make me say no?"

"I don't know." Ralph shrugged.

Roger sighed and sank even lower into the seat he had taken. In fact, he slid so far into it that he nearly fell off. Wait…he did. He fell off. He now sat atop a pile of dirty laundry, which he made a note to get Jack to fold as soon as he saw him next, and staring up at Ralph from the coffee table, resting his chin on his arms.

"You do too."

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Hey!" Jack burst into the room from seemingly nowhere. Roger and Ralph both turned in surprise. Hadn't he gone to the grocery? Did it really even matter? "Shut up! You're bickering like children!"

"What's wrong with him?" Roger muttered to himself. Usually, Roger was the one to break in and disrupt the arguments. Jack had never been quite responsible, even in his early days…especially not in his early days. Roger thought back to the island and all that 'went down' there, as Maurice liked to put it sometimes. Nope, Jack was definitely not responsible.

"He's one the phone with his parents, I think." Ralph answered flatly. They'd never gotten along well.

"Oh." Roger commented, "Well, that explains a lot, actually."

"Yeah." Ralph continued, "They're supposed to some for a visit in a few days. He says they're renting a place not too far from here, so they can keep an eye on him every now and then. Jack's not too happy with it…but he would never tell them that."

"Oh…" Roger repeated. So, that was the deal. Two overbearing parents with high-expectations and strict limits on what Jack could and could not do. Apparently, the money they'd given him wasn't as free as he thought it would be. Roger was perplexed by this, especially since his parental units had been absent for the majority of his life, and when they were there, it wasn't in a good way. He'd always thought it would've been nice to have parents like Jack's or Ralph's…but maybe he was wrong. He sighed. There was only one thing he could do then…

"Fine." He growled, dragging the word out in between his teeth. Ralph snapped back to attention.

"Fine what?"

"Fine," Roger bore holes into the blonde with his eyes, making sure Ralph realized the full weight of the thing he was granting him. "I will let you have your party."

"WHA-!"

Roger jumped to his feet and sternly shut Ralph up. "There will be no sex, no alcohol, no drugs, their use on ME is restricted specifically. If you even give anyone the slightest idea that I'm homosexual, or try to set me up with any dates with any men, I will kick your ass to Zimbabwe. I'm inviting Clover, and if you embarrass her or make her feel uncomfortable, I will kill you. Literally, KILL you. You understand that, Faolan?"

"Y-yes!" He stammered in response, snapping a salute quickly, trying to regain his mind. "B-but…why?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Roger snidely smirked at him for a moment before marching out of the living room in a storm. He yanked his keys off a hook in the front room.

"Where are you going?" Ralph asked, still recovering from the initial shock.

"Drug store." Roger sighed, "We're going to need some supplies. You wanna come?"

"Can I?!"

"Sure." Roger responded, "I don't mind. After all, it's your damn party."

….

This party was much classier than the others had been, especially since the official person in charge was Roger instead of Ralph and Jack. They had enough time before hand to go around and ask for tables and chairs as well, so it was more like a fancy dinner instead of a party. There was always the campus police to worry about, if Roger hadn't okay'd it with them beforehand. As long as the noise level was at a minimum and there was no intoxication, they were set.

"Wa-Oh!" Ralph exclaimed as he wandered from the small crowd that had begun to take shape and found Roger's shoulder. "This is great! I can't believe it Roger, it's so nice, thank you so much!"

"It's really nothing." Roger muttered.

"Oh, this is great!" Ralph bantered on, "This is so fantastic! Look at how happy everyone is! When did you say the band would get here?"

"Um…about ten." Roger answered, staring boredly across the sea of people. Clover was somewhere out there, getting something to drink. He would've gotten it for her, but she insisted. He thought it was probably because she needed some time to herself. He wasn't one to argue. "Wait, but why are you so obsessed with people's faces all of a sudden. That's a little creepy, dude."

Ralph frowned a little, tipping his head to the side for a moment. It was a quick, outward gesture of thought. "I…hm. That's a good question."

"Answer it." Roger ordered in a low growl. "I'm sick of you avoiding my questions."

"Fine," Ralph sighed tiredly, "Let's just say people want what they can't have, and leave it at that."

"What, so you and Jack want kids now?" Roger scoffed sarcastically. Ralph grimaced in frustration and walked away briskly. Roger started forward, trying to stop him or apologize or something…but in the end he just gave up. Clover came back and leaned up against him.

"Well, shit." Roger huffed.

"What's happened?" She piped quietly. Roger shrugged and gave her his coat carefully. At first she tried to give it back, but eventually changed her mind and pulled it tighter against her shoulders. It was cold out this time of year, and both of them were rethinking this whole idea of having a get-together outside.

"Nothing important." Roger responded, "he's just a tad bit brassed off is all."

"You sure?"

"Mmhm."

Clover sighed and threw him a look. "You know, your friends may be idiots, and they may be stupid, and a little funny in the head…and creepy, and perverted, and dangerous, and a threat to society…"

"Alright, alright!" Roger intervened, "I get the point already! Get on with it!"

"Yeah, so what I'm trying to say is, they're still your friends even if you kind of hate them." She pointed out. Roger scowled.

"I don't HATE them, per say…" He sighed.

"Go apologize." Clover forcedly said, giving him a half-shove, "I'll be waiting here when you're done."

"Fine." He scowled, "But I won't like it."

"You're such a grouch." She teased as he sauntered off, kicking at the pavement. It was all just a show, she knew that as well, but it was truer than anything he'd ever act out.

Ralph stood next to Jack by a table, arms crossed over his chest. Roger tapped him on the shoulder. "What do you want?" the blonde smiled through his teeth, easy as a lie.

"I'm sorry for pissing you off." Roger blurted out, just eager to get it over with. Ralph smirked. It was unsettling to see that kind of expression on his face…it couldn't mean good things.

"Apology not accepted." Ralph slyly said.

"Oh, you little shit!" Roger argued. Ralph grinned even wider and pressed a finger to the sadist's lips to shut him up. Roger looked about ready to bite it off. "Mph gerphrend med mmm do thess. Mm het umm."

"I will forgive you." Ralph interrupted. Jack had also turned at this point, and looked rather confused. "But, you have to do something for me."

Roger pushed the hand away and furrowed his eyebrows. "No blowjobs."

"Ew, gross." Ralph grimaced deeply and Jack just looked flat-out offended. A few of the people seated at the table behind them snickered. Roger saw Maurice there and wondered where the fuck he had come from. "I'm not into that stuff."

"…Okay?"

"Seriously though, I need a favor." Ralph persisted, "The band just cancelled."

"No." Roger responded deftly, "No way, no how, not here, not in a million years, not ever will I subject myself to school-wide embarrassment and possible arrest. Not to mention the cruelty of our so-called peers towards me, and you two in particular. I plan on staying under-the-radar, thank you very much."

"He just hates people is all, Ralph." Jack remarked, "Don't bother about it, he'll never do it. He's a wimp."

"What." Roger flatly stated.

"You heard me." Jack said again, having the same, unemoting expression as before, "You are a wimp. You've never wanted to stand up for yourself. Not even on the island; you just controlled me from behind the scenes like some sort of egotistical puppet-master. You'll never be able to break free of your restrictions. You always let your low self-esteem get the best of you. People might actually like you, you know, if you just make the effort."

"I threw this whole party for you, Merridew, and this is what I get?" Roger muttered.

"He's right, you know." Ralph re-crossed his arms and gave him 'the look'. The one that said: 'stop being so…Roger.'

"Shut up, Ralph, or I'll slap you." Roger hissed. Jack laughed without humor.

"Wimp."

"Say it again, I dare you."

"Wimp!" Jack asserted, "Wimp, wimp, Roger's a wimp! He's always been a wimp!"

"Ralph." Roger ordered through gritted teeth, "F-fine…I'll do your stupid thing. I need a band though. I can play electric, so-"

"-Oh! Rogerkinz can play guitar!" Ralph clapped wildly, "I didn't know!'

"MAURICE CAN PLAY DRUMS!" Maurice shouted from the table, kicking back his chair as he stood up in a rush. Unfortunately, he banged the table with his knee and hurt himself. Roger grimaced as Maurice rolled around on the ground in pain. This was going to go well, this was going to go SO fucking well, he just knew it.

"Alright!" Ralph cheered in excitement, "So, we gots us a singer and a guitar and a drums. I can do a guitar too, so all we need is a piano and some other dudes, and we're set!"

"Is your guitar playing as good as your piano?" Roger grudgingly asked, prodding Ralph in the chest.

"Haha, no." Ralph chuckled, oblivious, "I took ten years of bass lessons. I gave up piano when I was five."

"Good to know." Roger muttered to himself. He thought for a moment before starting up again. Nervousness was already tangling itself up in his belly like a tapeworm…wait, what?! "I-I think that I may know a few of our old friends that can play as well."

"Great! I have a piano player I'll call right now!" Ralph winked and put his hands on his hips, "This is gonna be fun!"

"Ohhh….." Roger gripped his stomach and moaned in self-pity, "I think I'm going to be sick."

Jack snorted and turned back to the idle conversation. "It's about damn time you got some of your own medications."

"No more rufies please."

…**..**

**DUDE. IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE CREEPY, CONTINUING CHAPTERS THAT FLOWS INTO THE NEXT ONE…**

**I think this is going to be a long time in the making. I still have to decide which song they perform. Any suggestions? Post them in the reviews or shoot me a PM, and I'll give them a listen. **

**Hey, but anyway, thanks for your continued support! You guys are awesome, reviewing like crazy people and stuff. THANKS YOU SO MUCH!**

**This leads to, of course, REVIEW RESPONSE TIME**

**PrincessSophie~~**

**Thanks! I tried to make it cute and funny at the same time…I can't tell if I did a good job or not…but I'm pretty confident I did okay!**

**Cocomelonkatzelada~~**

**Adorbs? I've never heard that word before….hmmm…I need to start using that. **

**And, I actually was contemplating naming her Hale…but I thought that would make people think I was shamelessly plugging my other story….nyooorm….MMPH. So, yeah. I WANTED TO…IREALLYDID.**

**Phoenixblaze5~~**

**Thanks for your review! I'm glad you liked it :D**

…

**THANKS EVERYONE! HOPE YOU ENJOYED! Write you again!**


	19. INTERMISSION TIEM!

**Epic Party Time**

**Episode: Guess what guys, it's valenteens day.**

**INTERMISSION, YOU GUYS. IT'S AN INTERMISSION, OKAY?!**

So Rger wuz totallee leik sittin round and waitn for his GF to com ovur so they culd go do somfnig fro valenteens day wen Ralph had brilliant idea.

"I thiunk we shuld cell da wriotr nd tell her thsat its tioem to break the forth wall now. How bout you think, Jack?" He smiled nonchuluntly.

"Y iz the whoele whorld in terrible grammer-lnguage nao?" Jack isked back with a frown.

"Thies is rlly stopid." Rogr sad saditstly. Ecept nobosy caered bcuz he was too goffick nd nobody lied goffic bois in da englands colleges. Ralph sriatored jumping on da couch and hew accidnetly fell on da fl,ior.

"Oh noes." Jack screamed softly. Raipp stud back up and threw his hans in de air vicotoriosuly.

"I won The Game."

"Yoo suk." Roger stuk up his midle finger at them. "But sriiously, can wee fex thiss strory npa? Ytis his geetin outta hand. Plus, it makes us all sound like total jerkuffs. I fel stoopider beh the minoote."

"Okay." Ralph agreed, returning to his former, cheery self, "How's this?"

"Perfect." Roger sighed from the couch, flipping through channels like he always did, "That's much better. I don't want us all talking like idiots when Clover gets here. By the way, what was that you said about the writer?"

"What?" Ralph asked genuinely.

"...never mind." Roger rolled his eyes, "I'd rather not know. So, what are you guys doing for valentines day? Anything special?"

Jack crossed his arms and looked away slightly. It was suddenly very quiet, too quiet for anyone's tastes. Ralph opened his mouth to fill it, but changed his mind. It wasn't worth it. Roger sighed again and cocked his ear at a slight knocking on the door. Slowly, he got up and retrieved his car keys off the coffee table; they clicked together jeeringly as he left.

"Well, that's my queue," He said before opening the door and leaving, "I guess I'll be back later. Don't...burn the house down. See ya."

The dorm was plunged in silence. Ralph vaulted over the couch and lay there, staring at the ceiling and the strange shadows that wrought against its popcorn-like surface. Little drips and points arced towards him, reflecting in his dark blue eyes and reading invisible messages to whoever saw him there. Jack leaned over the side of the couch and intercepted the contact, looking at Ralph curiously.

"So, I forgot it was valentine's day." He said slowly, "Sorry, okay? Just...tell me what you want to do and we'll do it. If you could be anywhere in the whole world right now, where would you be?"

Ralph sighed and frowned gently. "I don't know, Jack." He answered, his voice lacking the normal verve that identified it, "That's a hard question to answer."

"Why?" The red-head persisted, "You can tell me anything."

"I know."

"But?"

"But...I'm...Is it bad?" Ralph muttered now, barely audible, "That I want something I shouldn't?"

"Like what?"

"I want to go back."

Jack stood back a few steps. "B-back when? Ralph, what are you saying...?"

"I'm not saying anything like that." Ralph closed his eyes and shook his head faintly, his lips breaking into a quiet laugh, his face melting into something real for once. "I want to go back to a when, Jack. I want to go back to the island."

As always during these revelations, Jack offered none of his guidance. He turned around and walked away.

…...

Roger got home later that evening, at aroundseven o'clock. After depositing Clover back at her shared apartment, he drove home all-too slowly and pulled into the street that was familiar to him. The parking lot drew closer. There was a burning sensation in his nose as he rolled down the window to begin backing into his parking space. He looked around the parking lot.

"Oh my God." He stated aloud. He did this only because it was necessary. After all, you would too if a certain red-headed roommate of yours was constructing a heart in the parking lot; and guess what it was made of.

Lit fireworks.

Yay.

"Oh my GOD." He shouted louder. Roger abandoned the car and jumped out of the window, falling to the concrete ground. He quickly picked himself up and yelled across to Jack, who was standing in the center of the homemade-suicide-center. "COME IN, ASSHOLE," He screamed, "I REPEAT, COME IN, CAPTAIN A! MISSION ABORT, MISSION ABORT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"I'm making a valentines!" He screamed back.

"You're crazy!" Roger shouted at him, "Are you trying to kill yourself!?"

Jack chuckled and answered, "Maybe."

"Well, do it in another man's parking lot!" Roger retorted. He was soon drown out by the booming of nearly thirty, highly illegal fireworks as they went off. He hit the deck, figuratively of course. He actually just hit his chin on the ground. His thoughts were barely audible. All Roger could hear was the crack and sizzle of the exploding pyrotechnics.

"What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!" He heard Jack sing above the clamor. How long had it been since Jack performed? Roger couldn't remember. When the fireworks stopped raining the apocalypse on him, he stood up shakily and watched as the sparklers remaining sparked and fizzled to their deaths. Merridew was covered in soot, and everything else was covered in smoke. Roger stifled a cough. Above him, a window opened and a blonde face peered out.

"Jack Samuel Merridew!" He yelled, "What the heck are you doing?!"

"I'm sorry, will you please be my my valentine?!" Jack shouted back, louder than Ralph. Ralph leaned on the window sill and grumbled under his breath. When Jack saw his hesitation, he started up again, "Come on, please? You know you want to!"

"Not so sure about that..." Ralph said, just loud enough for Roger to hear. He looked between the two and the empty shells of the fireworks and grimaced.

"Will somebody please tell me what's going on here?!" He piped up angrily. Jack glanced at him for a moment, but then went back to being a doofus because he thought that it was apparently a swell idea.

"And I think you're from another world, And I, I couldn't love another girl, cause' you, you make me feel like I'm intoxicated~" He sang again. He actually wasn't that bad, Roger thought begrudgingly. However, he hated The Cab.

"Oh, Jack, please don't make a scene." Ralph begged, frowning. "Can't we talk about this?"

"No! Come out here, you fool, and let me see you!" Jack urged.

"But you can see me now!" Ralph laughed.

"Not up close!" Jack smiled, "You're not close enough!"

"I'm gonna puke." Roger put in. Jack paid no mind to Roger and his peanut-gallery comments however. He was too preoccupied with Ralph as he ran out of the front door and into the red-head's arms. They stood like that for a while, too close for Roger's comfort. "GET A ROOM!" He ordered them, "Preferably one at a hotel so I don't have to watch."

"Don't pretend like you wouldn't enjoy it." Ralph murmured, touching Jack's nose with his. So, maybe Jack had been a jerk earlier, but it was warranted, right? He deserved it, right?

Right?

Ritew.

"Oh, shizz." Rogeer whittefdf, "werere buck 2 thees again."

"whawever." Jack shruggged, "deal wif et."

"hehshsaha" Ralph laufwed loodly. Nd everyfing wuz righte wif de vealenteesns rituals. The consitaptated not rapists violens tree!

The Not End.

…...

Okay, So I understand there are a lot of misspellings in this one. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THER! Deal wif et.

Anyway, yeah. As you can tell, this is just filler because I haven't updated in a while and it needed to be done. And, nobody recommended songs. That's alright if you don't again, I would appreciate the helps though. I think I've got one ready as a back up. The next chapter will be the sequel to the previous episode. SORRY

But, happy single's awareness day anyway. And my apologies for this awful chapter. I was bored and this is the child of thirty minutes free-time and makes no sense whatsoever. It will later. TRUST ME.

Now...time for a favor. So, you guys love me, right? Right. It would bew awesom if you could go and read plus maybe review the apocalyptica series for me. ESPECIALLY FAUX. I know it's asking a lot, and most of you probably haven't read a single one of those, but I need some feedback here! Sorry for the plugging shamelessly. Sorry for apologizing so much.

Anyway, thanxies to all those who reviewed before. I would do review response tiem, but the computer I have to type this on restricts fanfiction dot net, which makes that impossible, so this little shout-out will have to do. Maybe I'll edit it later and put it in. Probably not though. Sorry!

LUVZ AND CUDDLES, ALL YOU READERS! HERPER VERLERNTERNS DERR!

WRITE YA LATER!


	20. sadfais emoji

EPIC PARTY TiME

EPISODE: :C

….

About ten phone calls and an hour or so later, everything was set up. Roger had this sinking feeling, as he stood on the stage and adjusted the mic (Which often squealed in protest as he brought it to close to the amps), that Ralph had set it up to be this way all along; that this whole thing had just been a cruel trick, that there had been no band scheduled at all and Roger had been intended to sing right here, right now. No, wait, not now…but in a few minutes. He gripped the neck of the guitar and stared out at the crowd for a moment, trying to remember the right chords. Then, overwhelmed, he retreated backstage once more. Maurice stayed behind, revving up the crowd. He was made for this sort of thing; sometimes Roger wondered if pure joy ran through his veins instead of blood; if you stabbed him, what would come out? Though, not even these thoughts could console Roger at a time like this.

Backstage, Roger met up with Ralph and an ungainly crew of people he'd gathered for this. Including Maurice on drums, there was Ralph himself on bass, Roger with vocals and guitar, Bill on the semi, looking 'hardcore' and 'chill' as usual, and some unknown pianist who'd 'be here any minute now'. Roger felt about ready to puke. At least he had proof know that Ralph could actually play the guitar and not make a fool of himself. As soon as he'd gotten his little blonde hands on the thing he'd started to play complicated riffs and bridges Roger had never even heard before, and he hadn't stopped either. Only when Roger came in did his fingers halt and he looked away from the thing.

"Hey, Rog." He greeted, "Are you excited?"

"Nervous as hell." Roger shuddered.

"Don't be." Ralph dismissed, "You'll be great, I know it."

"Just be chill, dude." Bill flatly said. Roger gave him a weird look before continuing.

"Anyway, where's our pianist?" He said, hopefully, "Did he decide not to show? Great, let's go home then."

"No, he's here. He's just getting ready." Ralph insisted.

"I'm ready!" A familiar voice crooned from back-backstage. Roger gaped as Simon stepped out from the equipment and untangled himself from the multiple chords.

"I thought you were dead!" He accused.

"Nope, I was faking." Simon winked just noticeably. Roger shook his head to clear it, to get the lyrics back in it and the nonsense and terror out. Oh, why had he agreed to this?! This was such a big mistake. He swallowed nervously and looked up, trying to exude confidence like Ralph and Maurice did. He would've tried the whole Bill, 'cool kid' shtick, but somehow that didn't seem too fitting to him. Roger, no matter how hard he tried, just couldn't imagine himself running around with a straight face and a pair of fucking huge, unnecessary sunglasses in the dead of winter like a tool. And Simon…well, Simon didn't even have a thing. Simon was just strange. And supposedly dead.

"Alright, let's get this show on the road!" Roger insisted, more ready than he'd ever be. He'd tricked himself into being blissfully confident and at ease, one of the many perks of still going to regular therapy sessions.

"Whoo!" Ralph cheered honestly. He was actually really excited about this whole thing. Roger found this perplexing.

"Duuuuude." Bill threw up a little 'rock on' sign. Roger was also starting to feel that Bill was not so much a cool dude as he was a hippy. "Chill."

"Oh my God, is that all you say?" He shot back scathingly.

"Chill."

"Just shut up." Roger scowled, the usual expression that marred his features. Ralph smiled in approval, then waved them all onto the stage. Somewhere out there, someone Roger didn't know was working all the lights and crap. He breathed deep and hoped for the best as the stage lights came on with a boom. The party out below went silent.

How did Ralph afford all this shit?

That was the last thing he thought before said blonde kicked in with the bass and Roger had to stumble to keep up. He squinted and located the microphone, multitasking with his fingers on the guitar and his mouth at the stand.

"Ooooohh~!" He testingly sang into the mic. It felt so strange having his own voice distorted and brought back to him through speakers.

But also, really good.

…...

"Hmm...how did this happen...?" Jack commented drily, digging through the laundry basket for yet another washcloth to douse in cold water. "Please, remind me."

"Hehe...I guess it's my fault." Ralph admitted. Off to the side, he threw a couple of red-soaked towels to the garbage and sighed wearily. "But seriously, I wish Roger would just calm himself down. He can't get better if he doesn't stay on the couch."

"MHPFFP!" came a muffled retort from said 'couch'. Ralph and Jack exchanged a resigned look.

"Okay, so I'm sorry for making you sing...and about the party..." Ralph shouted back to the voice from the kitchen as he made his way over. "...and maybe a little about the cops tazing you too. But, the next time you decide to rip the strings off of a guitar with your teeth after a song, don't blame me if it goes wrong." Ralph finally reached the couch and leaned over the edge, staring down at Roger with a smile. The highly angered male had a bloody washcloth shoved in his mouth to stop the bleeding from the wounds he'd 'inflicted on himself'. "Look on the bright side though," the blonde added, "Now, you won't have to pay for a tongue peircing."

"Fffllgh." Roger replied, the taking the scarlet washcloth out, "but I still have to pay for a noise violation, moromnm...agh. That hurths."

"That's right." Ralph grinned, "No more talking until your wounds close, or you have to go to the hospital and pay even more money."

"Yur luthy I'mn noth a socshiallth." Roger growled, "Orr I'd movfe to Canada andth kill you there."

"I have absolutly no idea what you just said." Ralph laughed, "But, here, stick a washcloth in it already." He took the liberty of shoving a fresh washcloth in Roger's mouth and taking a few steps back to avoid the aftermath.

"FMMTH MM!"

"Yeah, yeah, you too, buddy." Ralph giggled. Jack gave him a quizzical look when Ralph returned to the kitchen a moment later.

"This is great." The ginger muttered, "My parents will be here in no time and we've got somebody bleeding form the mouth laying on the futon who won't stop cussing at us."

"Hey," Ralph joked happily, "At least they weren't here for the party."

…...

**Yeah, I know, sucky chapter is sucky. But, whatever. I needed to get the second part out of the way so I could get on with this fic. **

**SO, Thanks for all your reviews guys, I would do a review response time, but as of now, I'm preparing for something...**

**As to what:**

**KATHERINE'S TWENTY-FOUR HOUR TYPING MARATHON!  
You want something updated in the near future? PM me and I'll crank it out! Even if you don't, here's my update list as of now:**

**Gild**

**Barton Hollow (Please read that, Omg, I love this fic so much, it's my baby and I want other people to love it too! AGH!)**

**Kingdom Come**

**INNER DEMONS**

**Aand my own original series, which none of you has read...yet... :D Maybe someday it will be in stores, we'll see.**

**So, In conclusion, starting at around seven o'clock my time, which is EST, on my day which is 3/9/13, I'll be pulling an all-nighter to bring the fics in. I know I'm not that popular, and this is probably not necessary, but I think it'll be fun for me to try. So if you want an update for something so bad you'll explode without it, go ahead and PM me! Even if you just want another EPT. **

**PS..to those of you who think this is just a strange way of doing things and that you have to think through each chapter and stuff...I already have ideas for the chapters of all my fics. I just haven't been motivated to type any of them... XD I'm hoping this will motivate me, and make my readers happy! IT'S A WIN-WIN!**

**Ends Sunday at 5:00! So act quick!**

**Thanks you for reading! I hoped you enjoyed this at least a little bit...If it seemed a little short, it's because I have something else for this fic coming up relatively soon...it involves...JALPH**

**Dun dun dun!**

**EPT THE JALPH ONESHOT. COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.**

**SOON.**

**But not really. Now, off to prepare for twenty-four hours of typing and listening to music by taking a quick nap :3 WRITE YA LATER!**


	21. In the doghouse

EPIC PANTS TIME (are you kidding me, all the time is pants time)

EPISODE: What else could go wrong?

One more day now, Jack had kindly reminded them all that morning, one more day of freedom before his parents descended on them like hungry vultures and ruined all the 'fun'. Roger thought to himself that he really wouldn't mind all that much. Maybe under the vigilance of Jack's over-protective parents, the dorm would calm down a little. Heck, they might even clean up a bit at this rate.

"Hey, guys." Jack called over, "I gotta go to work today and we need milk. Do you think you could run down to the grocery store before I get back?" As he said this, he walked in and began tying a tie, much too tight. It seemed he was already preparing himself for criticism.

"Why do you assume we're going together?" Roger sneered pointedly. Clearly, in just one day, he'd healed well enough to gain his snarkiness back.

"Because you'd never leave Ralph in the dorm alone." Jack responded.

Roger narrowed his eyes. "Touche."

"Why can't I stay home by myself?!" Ralph whined from the floor; where he sat, nearly buried in dirty laundry.

"Flashback time?" Jack offered to Roger.

"No." Roger shot down.

"Aw..." Ralph sighed, "But I like those."

Roger rolled his red eyes and crossed his arms, sinking further into the tacky-colored futon. "Let's just go to the freaking grocery store and get this over with."

…...

The grocery store was a familiarity for the boys, seeing as how Roger worked there, they went there often to get discounts on everyday things. Over all it was quite a nifty place. IT sold everything that anyone could think of. From groceries, of course, to camping supplies. Normally, Roger would have no problem with running a few errands. It gave him an opportunity to get out of the dorm and get some fresh air into his system instead of whatever they were currently breathing inside their dorm room.

Shopping with Ralph, however, was a whole other matter. Roger could never seem to keep track of him for more than five seconds, he was always wandering off, always dragging Roger to random aisles with things they didn't need, always throwing something else in the cart, always pointlessly screwing about. Which is why, about three seconds after they got in the door, Roger just stopped caring all together and left the blonde to his own devices.

He would learn later that this was quite possibly the biggest mistake he'd ever made.

But, for now, he was caught up in the sweet, amazingly distracting scent of alone-ness. Roger utilized the shopping cart to glide around through out the aisles, swerving it with one foot and keeping it going with the other, alternating as needed, feeling rather like a kid in a candy shop. Not because he was shopping; but simply because he was going solo.

This was the reason he'd broken up with Clover the night before as well. The relationship had been grating on his nerves anyway.

Roger hummed to himself as he scanned the dairy products for what they needed. Soon enough he found it and could navigate back to the front register. Hey, he thought to himself, maybe someone he didn't utterly hate with all of his being was working today, maybe they could strike up some interesting conversation.

Then he remembered that he hated everyone, even himself, and threw the pointless thought of smalltalk away.

Everything was going great, and would continue to go great. By the time Roger was finished packing everything into the small trunk of his car, Ralph had already made his appearance in the passenger seat. It was almost as if he had just appeared there. He was looking rather...eager? No, that wasn't the word. Roger stuck the keys in the ignition and started the car, trying to think of something better to describe the blonde's nearly-strange jumpiness at the moment. Ralph was normally jittery...but this was different. Finally, the terrible reality of it hit Roger like a sack of bricks lathered in butter and hand soap.

Wait. What?

"Ralph, what did you do?" He accused flatly.

Ralph looked away and pressed his lips into an unforgiving line. "nothing."

"Seriously," Roger growled, "I know that look. You gave me that look after you painted out bathroom to look like the unicorn forest from that stupid-ass movie you made us all watch...what was it? Like, The Fast Unicorn or some shit."

"No." Ralph corrected pointedly, "It was actually _The Last Unicorn_. And that movie is the best movie I've ever wasted my life on."

"You've watched it almost a hundred times."

"Yeah." Ralph sighed, "I love that movie."

"I know." Roger grimaced, "Every single damn time I get ready for classes in the morning I'm reminded of that fact."

Ralph just laughed nervously as Roger put the car in gear and backed out of the parking space, making the dreary trip back home more interesting with an onslaught of mad shreds, courtesy of Dragonforce, that blared through the speakers. Through the Fire and the Flames we carry on, yo.

The song hadn't even ended, in fact, when they arrived once more at the dorms. For some reason, Ralph stayed behind in the car as Roger unloaded the groceries, still to the tune of Dragonforce.

_*another guitar solo*_

When the job was finished entirely, and the groceries were even put away in the proper cabinets, Roger couldn't help but feel suspicious and tap on the window of the mustang.

Oh my God.

There was a dog in the car.

And it wasn't even Ralph.

"DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN, WHY IS THERE A DAMN DOG IN MY CAR!" Roger shouted through the window. Ralph turned around in the passenger seat, where he had been trying to shush the massive canine. By Roger's best guesses, it was most likely a golden retriever or something like that. And it was slobbering _everywhere_.

Ralph popped the door open and the thing leaped from the mustang and onto the pavement. Roger stood back, cringing a bit. He'd had bad experiences with dogs before.

"It's just a puppy, Rogerkinz." Ralph laughed, throwing his arms around the mutt, "She's so soft and fluffy. Here, pet her!"

"Eeugh..." Roger grimaced.

"Aw, come on!" Ralph pushed the dog forward.

"We're getting rid of that thing." Roger scolded, "right now. OR I'm killing it and serving it for dinner."

"Oh man, but I love her!" Ralph whined, "Please, Roger, please!"

"Jack's parents are coming over soon!"

"But they have THREE puppies!"

"You have to take care of it!"

"I will! I promise!"

"It can't come in the bedroom! You have to keep it in the guest room or living room!" Roger continued, "If it barks, it's gone and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is she to come within five feet of me or the couch!"

"I promise!" The blonde grinned back. The dog stared up at Roger with its big, hazel eyes, its tongue lolling out and its head turned to the side. Roger shivered and swallowed a growl.

"Fine." He admitted through gritted teeth, "But if I have to take care of the damn thing, I'm eating it, understand?"

"Yes!" Ralph cheered, "Just wait until Jack sees this! He's gonna die!"

"He's gonna die alright." Roger rolled his eyes and slammed the passenger seat closed, turning to go back into the dorm.

"Hey, wait!" Ralph called after him, dragging the dog behind himself as he followed Roger persistently, "What do you want to name it!?"

"Fuck you."

"That's a great name!"

And that's how Roger, Ralph, and Jack, ended up owning a dog. Named Fuck-u.

Yup.

…...

**HEY. Okay, so I;m sorry to IMINROGERSPANTS for telling you that this was going to be up by friday. I completely forgot that the talent show and improv group was on Friday at my school. Sigh...but at least its up.**

**Like last week, I'll be updating by request throughout this weekend. If something needs updated in your opinion, shoot me a PM or review.**

**So, yeah, I decided to boot Clover from the cast.**

**She was never supposed to be a re-occuring character anyway...but...I DO think she's going to come back towards the end. We'll see. Also, I think this fic is nearly done as well. Only seven or so chapters left.**

**Sad.**

**HOWEVER, I think you guys will like my next comedy I have lined up. I'm really looking forward to it. Like, A lot! So, :)**

**Yup.**

**THANKS FOR READING! PLEASE REVIEW IF YOU HAVE TIME! WRITE YOU LATER!**


	22. Coulda Woulda Shoulda

EPIC PARTEH TI—OH. SORRY.

EPISODE: Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

One night. One last night of freedom. In this drawn-out series of events leading up to the exact day of tomorrow, none of the boys really expected that the day itself would actually be upon them. But, alas, it would be soon THAT day. The day when Jack's parents came to town.

It just so happened that on this particular night Roger awoke at around midnight to go get a glass of water or maybe watch some TV or maybe crash again on the couch. The dog rose also from its messy bed; a heap of scattered, probably dirty clothes. It followed him...doggedly.

"What's wrong with you?" Roger muttered angrily, pushing the beast away as he exited the bedroom. "Leave me alone."

"Woof." F-U said. That probably translated roughly into a: no.

"Yeah, that what I thought." Roger sighed, "Here, I'll make you a sandwich or something. Come on."

"Arf."

"Whatever."

Roger rubbed his eyes as he opened the fridge and light flooded the room. It seemed almost as if heaven itself had decided to dwell in that vessel and get a good laugh about blinding him.

"So..." Roger turned to the mutt, still lolling by his side, dripping slobber onto the tile floor, "...What do you guys eat?"

There was no reply.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, turning back to the fridge. "It's a dog, Roger." He told himself tiredly, "It can't answer your questions..."

"That's just what they want you to think." A flat, bored voice responded. Roger whipped around. The puppy was still sitting there, not any different from before. He shook his head, told himself he was just hearing things, and retrieved a mountain dew from the back of the fridge.

As Roger settled in by the window, glancing outside into the night, a sudden realization came upon him. It was one of those unwanted surprises that came and punched you in the gut when you least expected it; a drunkard that staggered onto your porch and puked on your children. A dog that your roommate had purchased and then forgot to buy a cage for. Like walking into a room without realizing that there was a less-than-modest couple inside. He spit out what little of his drink he had gotten out of the can and stared in dismay out the dirty glass.

They had completely forgotten to clean up the mess from the weekend's party.

Stumbling, Roger dropped the soda on the floor and sprinted back into the bunk-room. However, the ever-persistent F-U made a point of ripping into his pant legs with her teeth, and instead of quietly waking Ralph he slammed into his foot board and pulled off his sheets as he crashed to the floor. He cursed loudly.

"Huhm...wha?" Ralph groaned. Roger didn't answer. He was currently busy trying to get the smelly-breathed dog to stop making out with him.

"Oh, God that's gross!" He growled, "Get off of me!"

The blonde that wasn't on top of Roger, and rather on top of a bed, peered off the edge and looked down at Roger curiously.

"Rogerkinz?" He puzzled, "I didn't know you were into bestiality."

"I'm not!" Roger's muffled reply said, "Get your stupid dog off of me, moron!" Ralph yanked the puppy up by its ruff and pulled it onto the bed with him while Roger stood up and tried to get the taste of rancid dog out of his mouth. "That's so gross..."

"I think she likes you." Ralph smiled, hugging F-U closer. Roger frowned at him and contemplated punching both blondes in the face. But, better judgment won out. He had no time to waste.

"First of all," Roger started, trying to keep his voice down to a whisper, "I'm glad you slept in your clothes, Ralph, because, second of all, we've got a problem."

Ralph perked up all of a sudden. He looked as if he was the refrigerator; all lit up and annoying. "Oh, goody! An adventure!"

"Sure." Roger brushed off, "But, we've got to go outside right now."

"Why?"

"You forgot to clean up your stupid party crap, that's why." Roger scowled, "If Jack's parents see that mess, they're gonna have a cow."

"Is that possible?" Ralph asked quizzically.

"You know what, I don't know!" Roger threw up his arms and felt the beginnings of a temper-tantrum starting to crawl up. He was getting tired of all this pointless arguing. "They already had Jack, so I don't know how it could get much worse!"

"Aw, that's mean..." Ralph pouted.

"Get out of bed!" Roger hissed, "And help me clean up the GOD-DAMN PARKING LOT!"

"Okay!" Ralph scurried himself out of the remaining, tangled-up sheets and tip-toed quickly out of the room. The dog followed him.

Doggedly.

Roger also followed suite. The trio made their way out of the dorm, closing the door softly behind them, and into the lot below. Now, at this point Roger had realized that there were many things that could go wrong. A), he could get caught out of his room at this hour and get a citation. B), he could get caught cleaning up little, plastic red cups and get a citation. Or, last but not least, C), he could get caught with a dog and get a citation, or kicked out of the dormitory.

Either way, they had to be sneaky about this whole thing.

So, thus commenced the great cleaning. About half-way through the garbage can by the side of the door was halfway full, and about three seconds through their dog had made a point of being as least productive as canine-ly possible. She dragged trash across the lot, ran about barking madly, tackled Roger, mocked him by being nice with Ralph. Roger's hatred for F-U at this point surpassed even his hatred for Ralph.

And that was a whole lot of hatred.

It was nearly dawn when they finally finished. Ralph had fallen asleep on the pavement somewhere in-between four and five. The dog was awake, but not helping much. It merely sat on top of Ralph's sleeping figure and and stared out at Roger, who brushed his hands against his sweatpants and headed back inside. Before he did, he kicked Ralph in the head softly and tried to wake him back up. At this point, he was too tired to be angry.

"Hey, hey." Roger muttered, "Come on, wake up. We're done."

"Hmmm..."

"You fell asleep." Roger continued, "It's time to go inside now. You're not homeless. Get up."

"..."

"I'm not carrying you, so don't even try." Roger growled, leaning down and resting on his knee. He was so tired, he almost fell over into the pile of sleeping dog and boy. "Do you want me to kick you in the—"

"—I'm up, I'm up!" Ralph insisted, staggering to his feet, "Look, see. I'm up."

"Good." Roger sighed. He glanced warily at the dog, who seemed to be glaring at him from the sidewalk. "Now let's go, before Jack wakes up and has his own cow."

"Mmkay..."

On the way up the stairs Ralph fell nearly five times, and Roger had to haul him back up by his shoulder. This is where the dog at least tried to help. Although, really all it did was pull a few strands of hair from his head and rip the collar of his turtle neck to shreds.

"Hey, hey, F-U, stop, bad girl. Don't chew on you master." Roger scolded angrily. He couldn't believe that he was actually forced to resort to dragging an incapacitated Ralph up the stairs to their dorm.

"I can walk on my own." Ralph insisted, standing up with the aid of the hand-rail. Roger stood at the top of the staircase and watched with apathy as the blonde slowly made his way up the stairs and to the dorm. After watching Ralph struggle with the door for a while, he got up and unlocked the thing for him.

"Thanks." Ralph muttered.

"Whatever." Roger sighed.

For the remaining hours of the morning, Roger opened another mountain dew and watched the sun rise from out the now-spotless window view, listening to the sounds of settling in the complex, the fizz in the soda, and the faint sound of breathing as Ralph and his dog slept on the couch.

"To my future self," He muttered, "we're never having another party."

"Yeah, right." F-U smiled.

…**...**

** He-yo, guys.**

** I'm dearly sorry for not posting an Easter one...or an April fools one. I should've. But I didn't. Oh well. Things will get interesting soon, I guess.**

** Thanks for all the reviews, and I'm sorry again that I couldn't update this sooner! I know I got some requests for it, but I've been kind of sick lately. Still am. But, I'm toughing it out. FOR YOU! And...also for myself a little. I need to feel like I've accomplished something this week. And, I need to get motivated with writing so I can work on my trilogy...FANGA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I'M SO SORRY... ;-; I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING AT ALL...LUKE'S NOT EVEN HERE YET... *Sobs deeply whilst blowing nose on a gross-ified tissue ***

** Also, I realize that this has been getting less funny lately. The comedy is coming back soon, I promise! Just hang in there, readers!**

** WRITE YA LATER!**

** (Ps, I'd make more of an AN, but...I have other things to do...Sorry! I hope you don't mind too much...)**


	23. Mother Goose

EPIC...PARTY TIME?

EPISODE: The Mother Goose

"Jack!" she squawked, "Jack! Jack, Your friends are home!"

"Mum...Why are you telling me?! Just get the freaking door!" He shouted from the kitchen, where he precariously balanced many different pots and pans and bags of assorted ingredients on his arms.

"What did you just say to me, mister?!"

"I'll get it..." he sighed. Jack sauntered over to the front door of their Uni dorm and flung it open, a weary expression plastered all over his face. Roger and Ralph stood there, Roger looking rather expectant, Ralph looking extremely nervous.

"You two be careful." Jack muttered broodingly, "They're in there...being predictable."

"Oh, I'll give them predictable." Roger growled, "They've been squatting here for a week now!" Ralph looked between everybody anxiously, wringing his hands together in a fervor. Jack noticed this and took one of them in his own, rubbing it carefully and trying to at least provide some semblance of their normal days.

"Hey, come on." He crooned, "It's not that bad."

"It is." Ralph whimpered, "They're angry."

"No they're not!" The red-head exclaimed in mock dismay. He half-turned to the living room, where his mother spread herself out on the couch and folded their laundry. Roger rolled his eyes and pushed past the two love-birds and into the kitchen. He was starving and it was lunchtime. He was normally hungry after his morning classes anyway. "Hey mom!?" He heard Jack shout over, "Are you angry?!"

"Yes!" She shouted back, plain as day. Roger snorted in laughter as he threw open the fridge. This had been pretty entertaining, but he was also getting tired of it. Sure, having their own personal maid was pretty nice. However, when said 'maid' also insisted on rifling through all of your belongings and food-choices and personal life, things got a bit more sticky. Especially if said 'maid' was your friend and roommate's mum. Deftly, Roger pulled out the carton of orange juice from the back of the fridge and made a point of chugging it right out of the carton where she could see. In the meantime, Jack had coaxed Ralph in the house someway or another, and the blonde watched Roger's show intently. He felt a strange feeling of..._deja vu. _

Jack's mum, a plump, red-haired woman with horribly bad teeth-the perfect, stereotypical British mom-also watched. But, not intently and in a stupor as Ralph did. No, instead she watched with fury in her eyes. Fuming, she got to her feet and stomped to the kitchen. Once there, she smacked the carton right out of Roger's hand and splattered it all over the tile floor. Roger stood there, aghast. He wasn't so sure what had happened himself, and yes, he'd prompted her to react. But not like _that_! What the hell, Jack's mum!?

"What the bloody hell was that for?!" Roger burst out. This received another smack, this time to the side of his face. Both Ralph and Jack let their jaws drop. They'd never seen anybody do that to their sadistic friend and walk away _alive_. They waited for the explosion, for the snap that meant Jack being pulled out of the university and Roger being sued.

But it never came. Instead, the red-eyed boy glowered, removing himself from having to make eye-contact by looking down at his feet. Jack's mother put her hands on her hips and pouted at him.

"Mister, you just keep pushing the limits, don't you!?" She scolded, "How impolite, drinking out of the carton instead of a glass. Then, cursing! Why, the nerve of it all!"

"Sorry, ma'am." Roger muttered.

"Now, go do something useful or get to work on something for school! And here I thought you wanted to keep that scholarship the catholic school gave you, Roger! Are you going to make me tell your mother about this?"

"...Please, refrain." Roger sighed, barely a whisper, "I'll go now. Thank you for the discipline, Mrs. Merridew. I hope you're having a nice stay."

"Thank you and you're welcome." Jack's mum dismissed. She watched Roger sulk away triumphantly, giving a puff of pride, then turned towards her other two boys, still wide-mouthed and gaping. "That boy just gets better each day, Jack. So good at listening to his elders. Unlike _some_ people I know."

"Wow..." Ralph breathed.

"Yeah, I know." Jack muttered back in his ear, "It surprises me every time...I wonder why he does that. If we tried then he'd-"

"Hey!" Jack's mum scolded angrily, "No whispering in my presence, you two! Who KNOWS what you might go on about!"

Jack and Ralph exchanged a flustered glance, and Ralph silently parted with Jack, also heading to the bunk-room where Roger was probably bawling his eyes out or something. Seriously, the dark boy had been so off-his-rocker since Jack's parents showed up a week ago...although, they should count it as a blessing that they always knew where his mum was. Who knew where Jack's da had gone off too. He was probably trying to go through their bathroom again. Ralph sighed in defeat and waved a shallow greeting to Roger as he entered the room, then slumped down onto his own bed.

"This sucks." The blonde huffed angrily.

Roger didn't respond. There was a slight scribbling noise, which probably meant he was either A: too delved into his homework to hear or B: pretending to do homework to have an excuse for ignoring Ralph. Ralph was betting highly on the latter. He groaned louder, twisting himself up in his messy sheets.

"Did you hear me, Rog?!" He said louder, even more upset that everyone-even Jack-seemed to be ignoring his real feelings at the moment. "I said this SUCKS!"

"Shut up, Ralph." Roger murmured, audibly seething.

"Don't you care!?" Ralph practically screamed, "Doesn't ANYONE care?!"

"I SAID _SHUT UP_!" Roger yelled back, doubling the volume, "I have PROBLEMS of my own, if you'd be SO FRIGGING KIND as to NOTICE! SO JUST SHUT THE _HELL_ UP AND STOP COMPLAINING, OKAY?"

Ralph paused for a moment, a sigh grumbling in his throat. Everything was silent. Then, he popped the question. He'd figured it wouldn't hurt to ask, since Roger was already being a bitch anyway.

"Why do you kiss Jack's mum's ass?" The blonde asked, in all seriousness. Roger snorted in reply and rolled over on his own bed across the room, staring up at the ceiling in poorly-masked frustration.

"I do _not_ kiss Jack's mum's ass." He stated plainly.

"You do too." Ralph muttered.

"Do not." Roger said back, each word carrying its own deadly warning.

"Do too."

"Do. Not."

"Yes, you do."

"Drop it, Ralph." Roger demanded in a low growl. "You're pushing the limits of my patience."

"Whatever."

"You know what," Roger offered back in a grisly smile, sliding off the bed upside-down as to get a good look at Ralph, so that the stupid blonde could get a full taste of how upset he was at the moment. Ralph, hearing what Roger was doing, did the same, and they were now staring at each other with the world seemingly defying gravity around them. "I'll cut you a deal."

"Hm?"

"If you tell me what your deal is, where you act like a freaking buffoon all the time," Roger grinned, "Then I'll tell you my deal where I kiss mum-ass. Sound good?"

"...No. I didn't really want to know anyway." Ralph half-shrugged. It was a little difficult, being upside-down and all.

"That's what I thought."

There was another great pause. Roger and Ralph continued to stare at each other blankly, listening to the arguing going on outside their closed door. Apparently, Jack'd had better luck finding the whereabouts of his da than they had, because he voice was the predominating one in the screaming-match. Roger tried to half-turn to the sounds, but the movement just ended up screwing up his balance and flipping him right off the bedspread, entangled in other pillows and sheets. Ralph copied him and made a slightly more graceful landing. Again, they sat there in their rumpled, not-so-attractive state, using their bedsheets to muffle the sound of argument.

"Hey, Rog," Ralph coughed.

"Yeah, Ralph." Roger answered in a weary voice. He didn't even bother correcting his improper name anymore. It was no use. Across the room, Ralph waved his arms roughly, trying to free himself of the sheets that were now suffocating and devouring him. Roger craned his look to get a better view. "Well, spit it out already."

"I have...an Idea..." Ralph gasped, "Geez, these things are heavy! They're like, lead sheets! You know, the ones they give you during X-rays and crap!"

"What's your idea, Ralph?" Roger chanced. Even he would go for anything at times like this. Meanwhile, Ralph had disentangled himself and pushed to his feet in victory, wobbling unsteadily. He smiled. Whatever the idea was, it was obviously thrilling to the blonde, and that scared Roger to no end.

"Let's switch places."

Why the hell not?

"Sure."

* * *

DUNDUNDUN! To be continued!

Anyway, thanks to all of you awesome people who have reviewing and following. I would name you directly...but...I'm kind of lazy right now...

*Smiley fais*

Don't hate me forever for not posting this forever...I know, I''ve been not so good at updating lately, but that's because my computer was broken!

ITS NOT MY FAULT. BLAME THE TECHNOLOGY.

Anyway, my birthday was on the 26th, and I got a new laptop! yay! Moar updates coming soon! And, I already have the next chapter written in a notebook, I just have to copy it in, so that should be easy, right?

Yup. also, for any of you fans of Alice: BW, That update may be a little..late. Sigh. I was typing it on this website for once and I hit the back arrow on my computer and it deleted it all.

IM SO ANGRY ABOUT THAT...

And, sorry for the lack of funny in this chapter. The next, I promise, is plenty funny. For now, just take these feels! TAKE THEM!

*SHOVES FEELS*

Alright, that's enough doodling around for now. Hope you enjoyed, and pleased review if you have the time!

WRITE YA LATER (AND BY LATER, I MEAN RELATIVELY SOON. LIKE, TOMORROW NIGHT AROUND THE SAME TIME MAYBE?)


	24. Freaky Friday

CIPE YTRAP EMIT

EPISODE: FREAKY FRIDAY

"Cool, let's do this!" Ralph exclaimed excitedly, pumping his fist. Roger walked over and pushed the extended hand back down to Ralph's side, tsking.

"Nuh-uh." He scolded crossly, "That's not something I would do...and your _face_." He placed a finger on his chin in a gesture of fake-thought and then licked his other palm, grabbing the blonde's neck to prevent him from moving while the sadist went to work. "We need to fix this, Ralph-er, I mean, Roger." The real Roger smeared his sticky, saliva hand and dragged it across Ralph's make-up face, smudging all of the blonde's hard work. Ralph struggled vainly in his grip, but he only succeeded in nearly strangling himself. Finally, Roger let go with a triumphant smirk. Ralph's face looked awful, like he'd been crying in a prom dress in a high-school bathroom.

"Disgusting!" Ralph shrieked, "Gross, Roger spit!"

"hehe." Roger laughed darkly. He was clearly enjoying this part of the process. quickly, he thought something else up. "And, don't forget, I don't wear bobby pins.." He caught Ralph by the wrist and tugged out the awful accessories. The blonde winced in pain. "And, you have to do your hair right..." Roger proceeded to muss up Ralph's yellow locks. He located a bottle of hairspray on the floor and used his foot to throw it up to his free hand. Then, not-so-carefully, he pulled up a few strands of Ralph's hair and sprayed them in place like that. "See, _now_ you're me."

"Fine!" Ralph growled, "But, now it's your turn!"

"Wait, what?"

"Come here!"

"No, hey, get away from me!" Roger complained, like a child about to get a vaccination, "Ralph, what are you doing with those bobby pins?!"

"You need to look like me, Roger!" Ralph smiled menacingly, making it look rather accurate and Roger-like, "Come on, now! You started this!"

"RALPH!"

* * *

Jack watched his mother and father angrily, pushing back the urge to stamp his foot a little, as they walked calmly out the door, on their way to buy more groceries because they ate all of the other ones; the slobs. He hated his parents. they always had to be in his business, even when he thought he was home-free, in college! Why couldn't they just drop it already?! 'You need to seriously think about your life choices, Jack!' and 'That Ralph, he's such an idiot' and 'you're ruining your life'! Next thing he knew, they were going to be bottle-feeding him again!

He could make rational choices, you know.

Well, not on the island...but...

you know.

He turned when the bunk-room door was suddenly, extravagantly, thrown open. A little piece of drywall was flung across the room as it parted ways with the rest of the wall, and Jack jolted at the sound of the impact. Much to his surprise, it was Ralph that stepped out of the room first, who had been the one to force open the door like that. Roger leaped out second, throwing his arms up in the air jubilantly. Jack shuddered. That looked so..._unnatural_. Like, for instance, seeing the devil in a big, white, God-beard.

Wait a minute.

What the hell.

Why did Roger look like Barbie doll gone horribly wrong?!

"Uh..." Jack stammered, glancing at Roger, then Ralph, then back again, trying to draw some conclusion, but finding nothing that made any sense at all, "What...Roger...you're face?"

"Yeah, what about it?!" Ralph shouted back, "I hate all of you anyway!" The blonde flipped them both off and stalked into the kitchen, disappearing from Jack's immediate vision. Roger, on the other hand, smiled something terrifying.

Oh my God, it was terrifying.

"Jack!" He squealed, "I missed you so much!"

"What the fu-"

Before Jack could finish his sentence, Roger had him in a death-hug, squeezing so hard that Jack thought his eyeballs would pop out.

"R...oger...l...et..me...go..." He tried to get out. Roger dropped him into a crumpled heap on the floor and made a funny 'ooh!' noise, like he'd seen a butterfly, and skipped into the other room, where the couch was. Jack gasped for air and tried to make sense of this. Then, before he could react, there came a terrible crash. He shot into the kitchen, where the noise originated, only to be greeted with hell.

"Ralph, what the hell are you thinking?!" Jack shouted, "You dumped the freaking fridge all over the floor!" For the first time, while Ralph was making snow-angels in the spilled food and drink, the red-head noticed how Ralph had changed in the short time he and Roger had spent in the bunk-room. His face was all...smudgy. And his hair was...weird. Like he'd just rolled out of bed and rubbed his face in a moldy make-up compact.

"Shut up, damn it, I was hungry!" Ralph argued. Jack was about to make a snide reply, when there came another crash from the living room, as Roger started to jump up and down on the futon, only to have it open up on him and hurtle him to the ground.

"Roger, holy crap, are you okay?!"

"It's just a flesh wound!" He cheerily gave a thumbs-up and clambered back onto the now-flat futon.

"_What the hell is going on around here_?!" Jack exclaimed, "What happened in that room!?"

"Hey, red-death!" Ralph jeered, picking up something from the messy pile of fridge-contents he was sprawled in and chucking it at Jack. The 'red-death' whirled and shot Ralph an exasperated look. "I hate you!"

"You already told me that, Ralph, geez, what the heck?!"

"Jack~~!" Roger cried from where he was still jumping on the futon. Looked like he hadn't learned his lesson after all. "Let's make out!"

"No, Rog-Hey, Ralph, stop that!"

"NO! GO SUCK ON A D-"

"JACK DOESN'T LOVE ME!" Roger whined.

"WHAT ARE TALKING ABOUT!?" jack wailed, practically pulling his hair out at this point, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!"

At that moment, both of his parents walked into the room and stopped in their tracks. In the commotion nobody had heard them enter, in search for the car-keys which they just so happened to leave on the kitchen counter.

"What's going on here?!" His mum said in an outraged cry. She dropped her purse.

"Jack?" His father said, a meaningful word.

"Uh...just...wait a moment!" The red-head stumbled. He attempted to pull Ralph up out of the fridge mess, but was met with great argument on the blonde's part.

"DON'T FRIGGIN TOUCH ME, SCUM!" Ralph growled loudly, trying to pull out of Jack's grip.

"Come-on!" Jack struggled, "You're embarrassing me and making this worse than it already is!"

"Worse than it _already is_?" His mother exclaimed, dismayed.

"Mum...just...go away! I need some time to myself!" Jack shrieked. This is exactly the time Roger chose to come cannoning into the room, vaulting right over the counter in a blur and slipping on the spilt milk, managing to get his face implanted into the wall on the other side.

"Oh my God!" Jack exclaimed wildly, "What the hell were you thinking, Roger?!"

The red-eyed sadist pried himself out of the drywall and smiled-again, looking absolutely _terrifying_-at Jack and Ralph. He hadn't noticed that Jack's mum and da were right across the room. His face bled profusely, dripping down his hair and into his eyes.

"We need to go to the hospital!" Jack frantically reached for the phone, but was stopped by Roger, who got to his feet in time to once again slip and knock it right off the wall. Jack's mum and da were frozen in the background, horrified probably, but also fuming.

"No, no!" Roger teased, "_It's only a flesh wound_!"

"YOU'RE BLEEDING LIKE A...like a person who's seriously injured!" Jack corrected himself at the last minute, biting his lip and hoping that his parents would not catch his almost-curse.

"Kiss it and make it better?" Roger sweetly-well, as sweet as he could get while still managing to sound extremely creepy and twisted-asked.

"NO!" Jack spat.

"GET A ROOM!" Ralph booed.

"Hey!" Roger pouted, kicking Ralph in the nose with the heel of his foot. Ralph retaliated by tossing lunch meat. Roger then proceeded to stand up, carton of open orange-juice in his hand, and raise his fodder at the enemy, wicked scary smile spread wide across his face.

"What are you two doing, young man!?" Mrs. Merridew broke in, snapped out of her trauma-induced phase, and announced her presence to the unaware Roger. He froze, dropping the carton where he stood, arm still raised. Ralph, not moving on the ground, frowned and took in Roger's own expression. Mortified. Absolutely fear-stricken. He'd never seen Roger look afraid of something before. Even about clover, he hadn't been afraid, just stubborn. but now, in the face of parental fury, in the face of some invisible threat that hung over him like a sword hung on a thread of hair...

...he was fearful. Roger was actually scared.

"Mrs...Merridew, ma'am." He stammered quietly, not moving and not turning towards her.

"Roger!" She snapped back, turn and face someone when they're speaking to you!"

Roger did as asked, Barbie-face and all.

"You look terrible!" Jack's mum screamed, "And just what do you think you two are doing!? What would your mother say, huh?!"

"I'll clean it up, ma'am. This is all my fault, ma'am." He confessed. _But it wasn't_, Ralph thought,_ I was the one who suggested it in the first place_.

"Roger-" He started.

"Don't you even talk, filth!" Mrs. Merridew ordered loudly, red-faced, "I never want to hear you talk!"

Ralph shrank back, withering in the anger of Jack's mother. His father remained quiet, but all could tell that he was secretly seething.

"Mother, don't talk to..." Jack trailed off, his voice breaking into a barely-audible strand of breaths.

"What was that, son?" His father finally growled.

"Nothing, da."

"That's what I thought."

"We were just having fun." Roger said, voice shaking. Ralph glanced up, and his frown turned even deeper. Roger' s hands were trembling, pressed into white-knuckled fists, on the verge of snapping. His eyes were wide with anxiety. What would Roger do? "It's not their fault...ma'am."

"Go to your room!"

"YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE OF MY FRIENDS!" Jack exploded. Arguing broke out. In the bustle, Roger pulled Ralph up and the two retreated once more into the bunk-room, staying silent and getting caught up in their own personal worlds on their own separate beds.

"You didn't have to do that, you know." Ralph muttered from behind a book.

Roger didn't look up from the paper he was scribbling song lyrics on. "Do what?"

"Take the blame."

"...I know."

"What's wrong with your mother, Roger?"

"She's in a coma. Her and da were fighting one night and...it got a little out of hand...and...it's my fault..."

"I don't think it is."

"It is, though."

"When's the last time you visited her?"

"...When I graduated. It was with the therapist."

Ralph smiled weakly. "Well, since Jack's parents are obviously not too fond of either of us," He suggested, "Let's go spend some time with her over the weekend."

"No...I..."

"Seriously."

"...okay."


	25. Some Feel Preparation

Epic Party Time~. Enter classical piano tune here

Episode: Some feel preparation

After Roger took the time to wash the blood off his face, making a point of leaving the tinted towels draped across the bathroom floor, he and Ralph began to formulate a plan to sneak out without being seen.

"Okay," Ralph said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation, "So, we'll roll out of this room, I'll take out Jack's da and-"

"-Or we could just jump out of the window." Roger flatly broke in.

"Then you'll use your vampirism powers to turn his mum to our side!"

"Or we could just jump out the window. Wait, vampirism?!"

"And then we'll steal Jack and throw him in the trunk!"

"JUST JUMP OUT THE WINDOW!"

"Fine, I was just trying to keep the humor up." Ralph made towards the window and vaulted out. Roger looked down worriedly.

"I didn't mean to literally jump out of it!" He shouted down, "you could've climbed down, you know!"

"Yeah?!" Ralph called back up, "Well, don't worry about it! I hope you have your car keys!"

"Yeah, I do!"

"Then, just come down here already, we're wasting daylight!"

Roger did as told and the two of them, nursing a few new bruises from their leap out of their third floor window, ran to Roger's car and started it. For some reason, Ralph was laughing like crazy. This confused Roger to no end. Instead of asking for the reason, he began to back out of the parking lot.

"Hey, no, wait!" Ralph stopped him, "We have to go pick up the dog!"

"F-u?" Roger asked, "I almost forgot about her. Where are you keeping her?"

"The girls' dorm." Ralph added with a touch of pride: "I have lots of friends there."

"That's not something to brag about, Ralph."

Either way, Roger turned his vehicle in the direction of the girls dorm and they were off. Luckily, neither of them brought their cell-phones, so Jack's parents wouldn't be able to harp on them half-way through the trip. Roger wasn't at all sure that he wanted the dog in his mother's hospital bed but...if worse came to worse, they could always just leave the dumb thing in the car, but Roger didn't really want that either.

They arrived at the girls dorm in record time. Roger pulled the car up front, and they both unbuckled and got out.

"You seem to spend a lot of time here..." He began uneasily, "Why?"

"I dunno." Ralph shrugged, leaning against the top of the Mustang, trying to soak in the sun a little before entering the building. "They've just always been the nicest to me. I think it's because of our shared interests."

"That's also nothing to brag about."

"Whatever."

"HEY YOU TWO!" A familiar voice cheered happily. Roger tensed and turned towards the door. There, near the potted plant and the intercom system. He could've picked out that disgusting, curly, brown hair anywhere.

"Maurice, what the hell are you doing in that potted plant?!"

The happy fellow clambered part-way out of the small-leafy plant and leaned on his elbow, ignoring Roger's confused expression and instead addressing Ralph, who didn't seem at all bothered by this turn of events. The blonde actually looked as if everything was quite normal. Roger would never understand these people.

"Hey, Maurice!" Ralph greeted, "How's the girlfriend?"

"Great. but her yaoi-loving friend is over so I'm staying in here until the shipping fest is done." Maurice explained.

"What's it this time?" Ralph asked.

"It's me and everybody, and Bill and Rob."

"Oh, geez." Ralph laughed, "That's tough. Sorry, buddy, but I'm already taken. still, three out of ten would-bang."

"What are you talking about?!" Roger interrupted angrily, "Come on, this is ridiculous. We're wasting time!"

"Aw, come on, Ralph? That's really all?" Maurice pouted mockingly.

"Yeah...sorry."

"What's a yaoi?"

Maurice and Ralph stared at Roger dumbly. He shivered. Suddenly, he felt as if thousands of fan-girls were looking in on his life, dissecting it with careful, brutal precision. Suddenly, he didn't want to know the answer to his question.

"Never mind." He croaked.

"Anyway," Maurice changed the subject, jabbing a dirt-covered finger towards the door of the girls' dorm. "last time I saw F-u, Melissa, Clover and Hale were giving her a make-over."

"Aw, that's nice." Ralph smiled.

"Why would they give the dog a make-over?" Roger laughed, "That's so stupid."

"This is why you're single!" Maurice jeered, "But, seriously, what's my score from you?"

"What do you mean?"

"How many out of ten would bang?"

Roger gagged and suddenly got what the two of them were getting at. So that's what yaoi was. Huh. It saved him from having to ask Jack about it later, at least. "None out of ten, Maurice! Now, seriously, we have to get going!" Dragging Ralph along with him, Roger stalked into the building. As an after-thought, he kicked the potted plant, and consequently Maurice, off the side of the steps and into the greenery below.

The girls dorm was a lot more airy and bright than the guys dorm. this surprised Roger a little, but not too much considering the facts. He watched a curtain draped from a window billow softly as the wind blew in. There was no screaming...no drunkards making bets...it made him wish he lived here. Not that he wished he were a girl, but he did want the people of residence in his building to pay a bit more attention to cleanliness.

"Alright. Where'd the dog go?" Roger sighed, glancing up the stars. A commotion came from above him, and they both glanced up.

"There." They said in unison. together, they headed upstairs and around the corner, to where the room probably was. Their detective-work was affirmed when a scream, followed by a bark, sounded off behind the wooden door. Ralph took the time to knock instead of barging in. An average-looking girl with bright auburn hair answered the call, laughing through equally vivid green eyes. Roger stood back a bit. There was no way he was going in there. However, before he could voice his thoughts, Ralph grabbed him by the wrist and pulled Roger into the room as they were waved in.

"Ralphie!" A shorter, brown-haired girl screamed, "It's been a while!"

"Haha! Yeah!" Ralph responded, smiling dumbly, "It has been. Last week, was it?"

"Yup." The girl nodded back. Ralph started, nearly forgetting about Roger next to him. He gestured grandly to the sadist, who stood by uncomfortably, looking away from a certain somebody who had walked out of the room upon his arrival. "This is Roger, by the way." The blonde introduced.

"Ah!" The auburn-haired girl gasped, "Clove's ex! Wow, you're hot!"

"Eh..." Roger managed to get out, "Um...thanks? I guess..."

"No problem!" The girl grinned, "I'm Hale Griffiths. Nice to meet'cha!"

"I'm Melissa!" The other girl waved. She turned back to Ralph, putting her hands on her hips and leaning forward; something in her expression and the way she held herself around him suggested that they'd been good friends for quite some time now. Ralph was truly one of the girls. "So, Ralphie, what seems to be the problem now?"

Ralph rubbed the back of his head nervously, chuckling as he answered her. "Well, actually, I just came to pick up F-u."

"Oh, Fu-Fu's in the wash-closet." Melissa laughed, "We were doing her nails."

"So I heard." I muttered. Still, they picked it up. Girls had the hearing of bats when it came to gloomy, brooding, mildly-attractive boys, or at least that was what Hale was convinced of.

"Where'dya hear that from?" She greedily queried.

"Maurice." Roger frowned.

_"Ooooh_." All the girls giggled, "Maurice."

"What the hell." Roger whispered to Ralph while the distraction had taken over, "I wanna get out of this place, Ralph. It's weird in here."

"Just a minute, Rog." He replied quietly, still grinning. then, he said to the girls, "We gotta hurry, you guys, so I'm just gonna go get the dog and be leaving."

"Aww!" Melissa pouted, "Come on, why can't you stay, Ralphie? I needed some more dating advice!"

"Not today, Mel-Mel!" 'Ralphie' called as he walked around the corner to what must have been the WC, where the dog was being restrained. "We're on a special mission! It's top-secret stuff!"

"Okay." Melissa sighed, collapsing onto their pink, fuzzy chair that had been pushed up against the stark-white wall and under a little crystal chandelier. The many-faceted plastic 'stones' twinkled in the light bulb's glow, throwing little glints of light across the other walls and even into the very-tidy kitchen. Roger watched them, entranced. Hale laughed in a rather drunken way and continued to stare at him.

There came a scrabbling in the tile hallway, and Roger turned to it, snapped out of his trance. Hale quickly looked away as well, and Melissa rushed to her feet and went to pet 'Fu-Fu' goodbye. After the farewells and the cheek-kisses and the 'call-me's and everything else the girls insisted upon, Roger and Ralph made their escape and shoved the dog into the back of the car, woofing in protest, and jumped in after it. Quickly, Roger slapped the keys into the ignition and started the car. The mustang roared to life, and he sped out of the parking lot, engine growling under his feet.

"Never again!" he laughed at Ralph, "Never ever again are you dragging me into the girl's dorm! That place was awful!"

"Hale liked you!" Ralph teased, "Now we're going to talk about you all the time!"

"Shut up, 'Ralphie'!" Roger mocked.

"Hey, that's our secret!"

"Try and stop me from telling Jack!"

"You wouldn't dare!"

"I would, try me!"

"ROGER!"

"Woof!"

The two boys and the dog sped off of the main roads and eventually hit the speed way, making fast progress out of the city and back into the country, where they'd come from, where they belonged. To be honest, Roger missed it. The smog-clouds and the busy-bodies and the honking horns of the Uni-town had nothing on his small hometown. It had nothing on the stretching fields of plowed dirt and flowing grain.

He'd missed home. But, he hadn't wanted to go back. He wasn't allowed to miss it, in his mind. It was better to leave the past behind, because not only did he miss and love the country, but he hated it too.

About an hour into the trip, Ralph started asking questions.

"How far is it, Rog?" He yawned boredly.

"About three more hours. Why?"

"That's a long way."

"Yeah. We won't be back at the dorm for a while."

"Can I turn on the radio?" Ralph asked.

"Yeah, I guess." Roger replied, not taking his eyes off of the straight-cut road in front of him, "There's a mix-tape in the player, if you want that instead."

"Cool." The blonde let go of the dog, which he'd been practically strangling in his arms since they'd set off, and hit a button on the dash. There was a slight whir, and something clicked inside of the car's interior workings. The tape began to buzz and play. The first song began with loud guitars, but it was very familiar to Ralph, both in name and melody.

**_I feel the salty waves come in_**

**_I feel them crash against my skin_**

**_And I smile as I respire, because I know they'll never win._**

"Whoa!" He exclaimed, "What is this, Roger?"

"What do you mean?" Roger growled, "You don't like my music, you twat?"

"No, I love it! Panic at the Disco, right? I love them."

**_There's a haze above my TV_**

**_That changes everything I see_**

**_Ad maybe, if I continue watching,_**

**_I'll lose the traits that worry me._**

"Well, at least you have good taste in music, then." Roger admitted, "And here I thought I was going to have to educate you." Fu-Fu managed to squiggle up across the console just then, and tried at crawling up into Roger's seat. Seriously, why did animals like him so much?

"Hey, hey!" He yelled, "Come on, knick off!" Ralph jumped in and yanked the dog back into his seat, and cried out in laughter when the licking-fest began.

"Hey, get off of me, puppy!"

"She's not a puppy anymore, Ralph!" Roger grimaced as he tried to correct the swerve he'd turned into do to the dog, just barely clipping a passing car before getting back into line, "She's nearly sixty pounds!"

"She'll always be a puppy to me, Rog!" Ralph exclaimed, a little louder than usual due to the massive golden retriever that was currently mauling him with kisses. Then, the chorus of the song came up and he started to sing along. "_**Stop there, and let me correct it! I wanna live a life from a new perspective! You come along because I love your face! And I'll admire your expensive taste!"**_

Roger listened half-heartedly, once resting his chin on the wheel before realizing that it was illegal and could probably get him arrested.

"_**And, who cares?! Divine intervention! I wanna be praised from a new perspective**_!" Ralph continued. He actually wasn't that bad. "_**But leaving now would be a good idea! So catch me up on getting out of here**_!"

"Hey, stop that." Roger muttered. But he wasn't heard above the ton of writhing dog fur and the beat of the music in the speakers.

"Taking everything for granted, but we still respect the time! We move along with some new passion, knowing everything is fine!" Ralph went on, singing perforated with laugher.

Roger sighed. He might as well join in, right?

Right.

"_**And I would wait and watch the hours fall in a hundred separate lines, But I gain repose and wonder how I ended up inside."** _He quietly joined in. Ralph, who had obviously learned well from the girls, had heard even when Roger was speaking as low as he was, and grinned expectantly from underneath Fu, who he, only a minute later, pushed onto the floor. She also looked at Roger expectantly, tongue lolling out to the side.

"**_Can we fast forward to go down on me?"_ **Roger finished, louder, rolling his eyes.

They sang the chorus together.

"_**Stop there! And let me correct it! I wanna live a life from a new perspective! You come along because I love your face! And I'll admire your expensive taste, and who cares? Divine intervention! I wanna be praised from a new perspective! And leaving now would be a good idea! So catch me up on getting out of here! Catch me up on getting out of here!"**_

"Roger's pretty good at singing, huh?" Ralph asked, again laughing.

"I guess..."

"No, you're really good!" Ralph insisted, "Ever thought about it as a career, Rogerkinz?"

"Stop calling me that!" Roger scolded. He'd forgotten about that embarrassing nickname..."And, yeah, a little bit...but, it's not that realistic, really. Not many folks make it that high in the business ladder nowadays, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah." Ralph shrugged, "But if you enjoy doing it, then it shouldn't matter about the money you make or the number of people who like you."

"I suppose you're right." Roger agreed begrudgingly. Ralph grinned back, stroking F-u in a natural, comfortable movement. Because she was down where his feet should be, he looked a little cramped in his seat with his legs tucked around him.

"Give it some thought." He urged.

"I'll try."

**_It's not fair, just let me perfect it._**

**_Don't wanna live a life that was comprehensive._**

**_'Cause seeing clear would be a bad idea_**

**_So catch me up on getting out of here._**

**_So catch me up_**

**_I'm getting out of here..._**

* * *

**A/N**

**This chapter was going to be twice as long, originally, but I decided to break it up into two separate chapters. In all, there's three chapters to this arc with Roger's mom. Hope you guys don't mind that. I know I said in the beginning (This is the moment in the authors note that I stop and take the time to sing This Day Aria with my little sister :P) that the chapters probably wouldn't be consecutive or whatever like that, but I feel it nessacery at this point in the storyline. As you may or may not have noticed, the plot has become more prominent! DUNDUNDUN. Oooooh~ Scary. Plot.**

**Yeah, anyway, so this fic is getting more emotional and sentimental or something like that. I don't really know. I mean, I'd been planning for it to go this direction since I started writing the thing...but it's kind of sad, you know...I don't really know how to explain it...I'm sad that this fic is more than halfway over too. Are you sad?**

**Cue cricket noises.**

**Speaking of cricket noises, it's time for review response time.**

**NIGHTKILL (yes, I know you changed your username a while ago, but I just can't get over it! lol. Sorry if I offend you or anything by using your old one...I tend to offend a lot of people. Curse me and my big mouth.)**

**Thanks for reviewing! I'm gad you liked it, especially that specific part, though that part wasn't really meaning to be funny. Well, maybe you just liked it for some other value. Anyway, thank you for your time!**

**Well, that short.**

**Yup, yup. Write ya again soon, or in other words:**

**WRITE YA LATER!**

**Ps-The song I used is called New Perspective by Panic! At The Disco. It, by no means, belongs to me.**

**Pss-I took your advice, pechkapesh (Is that how you spell it?). I put Hale in. hell, I needed another female anyway for the dorm scene, so I figured, why not? Yup. Hope you got a kick out of that part.**


	26. Here They Come

**A/N**

**Let's just get this out of the way from the get-go. I love you guys. In a non-awkward way, of course. I mean, really! We broke fifty reviews. We just bordering on over 3000 regular views. The amount of people who like what I write usually doesn't matter to me, and I don't want to get prideful. That's always been a big thing for me. I write because I love it, and I feel as if it's my mission, even if no one listens, I will get my words out. **

**But, guys, you're awesome. **

**The fact that there's a sight like this that advertises my writing is amazing. The fact that there's people like you all who read it and love it is even more awesome. My writing isn't great. You are.**

**I just wanted you to know that. **

**By some people's standards, 52 reviews isn't a lot. But, by mine it is. You all made this my most popular and most loved fic. You love it almost as much as I do, maybe even a little bit more. **

**Yeah...so...now that THAT deal is out of the way...**

Epic. Party. Time.

Episode Twenty Six: Here They Come

Of the three hours that it took to get to the major hospital, two of them were spent in blissful and cheerful celebration by Roger, Ralph and F-u. Every single one of them was in a good mood, overall, and it was rather strange that they were getting along. Though, in times of trouble, people often tend to migrate to each other's dispositions.

That didn't make it any less strange, though.

About an hour away from the hospital, however, Roger shut down completely. He clutched the wheel close to him when he drove, making sometimes hasty decisions and maneuvers. It occurred to Ralph then that their getting along was probably just nervousness. Either that, or some weird thing Roger was trying to pull to get him to spill his metaphorical beans. How Roger was able to pick up that whole deal was a mystery to him, but he wished he would just let it go already._ I mean_, Ralph thought, _seriously, the guy obviously has enough problems of his own. He doesn't need to be worried about mine._

Then they pulled into the hospital parking lot. It was a grand-looking place for what it was and where it was; a modern utopia nestled into a little back-water country road. Lights glowed warm and sterile in the large, clear, glass windows. It was just beginning to border on sunset, so many cars buzzed out of the place. Maybe visiting hours were over. Maybe they were too late. Knowing Roger, Ralph thought that it probably wouldn't matter anyway.

"This is it!" Ralph announced, nervously laughing, trying to get the mood up, "We're finally here! Now we don't have to sit in the...car...anymore..."

"Let's just go." Roger sighed. He pulled the keys out of the ignition and slid out of the driver's side. Ralph was about to follow suite, but then remembered his precious cargo and stopped.

"What about the dog?" He asked worriedly, "Won't she suffocate in the car?"

"...She'll be fine." Roger shot back, "Let's just get this over with."

Ralph scurried to keep up with Roger, then the two fell into step. The doors of the hospital-Some divergent of Red Cross-slid open when they approached, as if waking from a long period of sleep; like they'd been waiting a while. A podium sat in the middle of the large, open lobby and Roger hesitated for a moment before walking towards it and drawing the attention of the woman with the short black hair who stood there. Her nametag read: SANTHA. She looked up tiredly. She'd probably been there since they'd opened, and Ralph couldn't help but feel a twinge of sympathy for her.

"Hullo." Roger started, "I...um..."

"Roger." Santha gasped, startled, "It's been so long."

"I sorry." Roger apologized.

"We were just about to call you, actually." Santha puzzled over something, then glanced over to Ralph, who hung back out of respect. The two probably knew each other well, considering the town wasn't that big, and Roger had probably come here many times before. The blonde would have thought that they'd had 'history', if not for the fact that Santha was at least double Roger's age. "Who's your friend, kiddo?"

"That's Ralph. He's Jack's...boyfriend." Roger explained. He wasn't able to come up with anything other than that to help the situation.

"Hi." Ralph waved and stepped forward, offering his hand as common courtesy, "I'm not from around here...I come from the next town over. It's a little bit bigger than this one, but I've been here a lot."

"I think I recognize you from somewhere." Santha smiled politely, "Anyway, Roger, how's college? You living with the big-shots now?"

"No." Roger shook his head in reply, "I don't really want to talk about it. I just came for a visit, that's all."

"Okay..." The receptionist Santha glanced back down at the podium, probably at a room roster or something that she kept there, and scribbled something in quickly. "Well, visiting hours are over, but you know we'll always make an exception for you, kiddo." She kindly nodded them back to the elevator behind her, which sat in a glittering wall paved with shiny stones. There was a little fountain next to it, and if Ralph stood on his tip-toes he could just barely see the ripple and shimmer of the Koi fish that dwelled there. "Room 13-C, as usual. I'll let the resident doctor know you're coming. He wants to talk to you...I think. Your da won't answer the phone."

"...Yeah." Roger muttered, "I know he won't."

"What's wrong, kiddo?" Santha asked, brows bunching up with worry, "Something you want to talk about?"

"No. Not now. I want to get some things straight in my head first, you know?"

"I suppose. But please, be careful. Your family already had to suffer so much...I..."

This is where Roger walked away, leaving Santha alone with her thoughts and words and, for a moment, Ralph. The blonde nodded in thanks and rushed after his gloomy, depressed friend wildly.

"Hey, come on, Rog!" He called, "Wait up for me!"

Santha watched them for a while, then shook her head and went back to work.

* * *

Ralph sat alone in the hospital room; well, he had the company of Roger's mother, but seeing as how she was pretty much brain-dead, she wasn't much company. Actually, she was really depressing to be around. He sighed and lay his head on his knees, listening to the muffled conversation, with occasional spurts of yelling, outside of the door. He wondered what the doctor had pulled his friend aside for. He wondered if Roger was going to be okay out there by himself. The blonde sighed again and turned back towards Roger's mother. The heart monitor kept time softly with automated beeps from the cream-colored back wall.

She was actually a very pretty woman. Pretty in the mom sort of way, and Ralph could imagine her opening a home door and welcoming guests kindly, maybe baking something in advance and setting it out on the counter. She was very pale and sickly looking, which was probably due to her condition. Roger had inherited most of his mother's looks. They had the same sleek black hair, the same complexion, the same stature. However, on the paper-work it said that her eyes were amber. Maybe Roger's scarlet ones were from his father. Maybe they were just something new in the gene pool all together. Ralph frowned.

"I don't believe we've met before." He spoke up, trying to strain his ears for some invisible answer. What he heard in the air didn't seem to satisfy him; nothing did not satisfy. "My name is Ralph...and, I guess I'm Roger's friend..."

The heart monitor continued to pulse gently. What a reply, Ralph thought.

"Ms. Williams?" He queried suddenly, still not fully satiated with the way this conversation was going, "I have a secret that I need to tell somebody. Do you think you could keep it for me?"

Ralph paused and nodded his head to the beat of the pulses.

He continued. "Okay, then." He admitted with a touch of shame: "I'm not the person I say I am. I mean, I'm me, definitely me...but I don't feel like me. And there's this other thing too...I-"

The door swung open suddenly and Ralph shot upwards in his seat, shutting his mouth as quick as he could. Roger walked back into the room, nudging the doctor's arm out of the way as they held the door open for him.

"I'm sorry, Roger." The doctor said quietly, "I'll leave you alone. Be sure to tell Santha when you leave."

"Yeah, sure."

the door snicked shut. Roger crumpled onto the floor, falling into a rather defeated position against the door. Ralph was about to get up and offer his chair, but he had a feeling that Roger wouldn't accept even if he offered.

"What happened?" The blonde asked.

Roger grumbled something in reply and put his head between his hands, not saying anything else. Ralph decided to leave it at that.

Eventually, he even fell asleep in the scratchy hospital chair.

Roger looked up, snapping his fingers to make sure of it, and crossed over to his mother's hospital bed. He sat down on the bottom edge of it and frowned. When he was much younger than he was now, he could fit on the bed next to her. He wished his life was that simple again. He wished he were younger. He wished to high heavens that they could all re-do the island and change some things. He wished his father were here so that he could beat his face in with a brick for what that man did to his family.

"It's been such a long time, ma." He sighed, "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner...I had no idea...that...that you didn't have much time left...I'm sorry."

Just like with Ralph, there was no response. But Roger seemed to hear one anyway, and he went on as if that were the case.

"You would be so disappointed in me, ma." He whispered, "I'm everything you didn't want me to be. I'm exactly like father. I'm mean to the people I care about and I'm mean to everyone else too. I've killed someone. I thought I killed two people, but Simon's batty even in death, and he's probably just some wacco ghost that thinks he's still alive. I don't even know anymore. If I told you all the things that have happened to me since I got to college, you'd go batty as well. It's so confusing, you know. I thought that everything would change when I grew up, ma, but really nothing changed at all."

"_beep. beep. beep_."

"I know you can't talk to me, but I'm not sure if you can hear me or not. I hope you can." Roger finished, "I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry and that I still love at least you, if that even means anything to anyone anymore. And that..." He swallowed, "It's okay to let go if you want, ma. I think I'll be fine. So, if that's all you're living for, and you can hear me now, I just want you to know that it's okay. And...I think I'll be just fine if you die...it might take some time...but...I want you to be happy."

"Beep."

"I have to go. It'll be dark soon."

"Beep."

Ralph jolted back awake then, gasping something about a nightmare and water and such. Roger stared blankly at him. Something new burned in his eyes and Ralph wasn't sure if it was conviction or anger or something else entirely, but he didn't like it. Obviously, the sorrow from earlier had subsided and fully gave way to the next thing.

"She has two weeks left before they have to take her off life support, legally." Roger growled darkly, "...So...let's go."

"Wait, are you sure?!"

"Let's go." Roger repeated sternly, "Jack and his parents will be wondering where we got to."

"But-"

"We're leaving!" Roger shot at him, "I'm finished! I said what I needed to. Now, let's go!"

Without protest, Ralph followed him back to the car.

* * *

**Hey, all. So, this is probably one of the most depressing chapters. The next has some feels, but not quite as much, and there's some comedy to tone it down a bit. Sorry about the lack of laughs, but remember...you know...plot. *coughcough***

**Anywho, Thanks to all of my awesome reviewers! **

**Speaking of that!**

**REVIEW RESPONSE TIME!**

**NIGHTKILL/SA**

**Thanks for your review/your time! I'm glad you liked it :) Yeah, the potted plant thing...once again, I'm breaking the rules and the fourth wall. Some people like that, some people don't...I hope you're one of the former people :P**

**HOTWINGINCIDENT**

**Hey! How are you doing! I was just conversating with you a minute ago :P**

**Don't worry about talking to me too much. There's no such thing as too much talking, at least to me, Ms. Motormouth over here *points at self*. Anyway, yeah, I'm also very sad that this fic is nearing it's final feet. This was really my first, intentional major endeavor. I mean, there was the LOTF apocolyptica series, but I REALLY didn't mean to make that one drag out for so long. Plus, out of all my fics, I've always loved this one the most. It's very disappointing to be ending it in about...eh...maybe 5 to 7 chapters. I dunno how long I need. But, it's also exciting too, because it means moving on to brave new worlds! I already have two other ideas to replace this once it's over with, and they're both gonna be, I hope, just as funny. Maybe even more, because they won't have the feels. I'll announce my final descision on the inheritor of this fic's place at a later time. Hehe.**

**MYSTERIOUSGIRL**

**Ah! A new reader! I always welcome those!**

**Anyway, I'm very glad you liked it! Even the tacky, cliché parts with The Rapist and such~ Your favorite episode is one of my favorites as well, though I have to say that I really enjoyed writing the Christmas one, and an upcoming one is also probably my favorite...I'm also glad that you liked OOC Ralph, because some people are REALLY bothered by that. Although, I wouldn't say at this point that he's OOC...he's just kind of...pretending to be OOC. Thanks for thinking that it's 'freaking awesome' too! I think all my REVEIWERS are freaking awesome, so that means you as well! And, you wanted more and here it is...though, it may not be as funny as you wanted. Sorry. Next time, I promise!**

**Also, on an added note, I realize now that I announced a oneshot relating to this fic a while ago. That may or may not still happen. Hehe...eh...sorry...I got kind of side tracked with other, less important things.**

**Well, I guess that's it...**

**THANKS FOR READING! WRITE YA LATER!**


	27. Release

Epic Party Time

Episode: Release

There was no radio on the way back. There was no talking. There was only the soft and steady droll of the tires as Roger and ralph sped down the highway. The headlights burned a triangle of cold yellow glow onto the road ahead. Not even the dog spoke up. She too could feel the mood wafting in with the other smells. Whimpering, she rested her head on the console.

"There's nothing we can do, is there?" Ralph whispered. Suddenly, Roger veered hard left, throwing both his roommate and his roommate's dog against the window. The tires screamed and smoked on the highway. For a moment, the car stopped, parked in the opposite lane of traffic. Ralph held fast to F-u, wide-eyed and slouched in his seat. Roger's hand clenched tightly on the gear-shift. The car hummed gently.

"Roger?"

Deftly, he yanked it into gear and slammed his foot on the pedal. The muscle car jerked once and roared to life, growling, hungrily devouring the roadway, blurring the street signs. Ralph yelped and shot upright in his seat, grabbing the armrest and the doorframe. Roger didn't let up on the accelerator. In fact, he changed gears and went faster. Breaking 60. Now 70. 80. Just touching 90.

"SLOW DOWN!" Ralph shrieked, "ROGER, SLOW DOWN!"

Roger didn't respond. But with trembling hands, he lowered the gears and let up on the pedal until they were going the speed limit. They were still on the wrong side of the road, but it wasn't as if anyone was coming anyway. Eventually, Roger coasted the car onto a small gravel side-road and stopped. The headlights cast eerie shadows on the dilapidated house that rested there.

"It's your house, isn't it?" Ralph murmured, "I remember this place. My mom picked Jack up here once."

Roger pulled the keys out of the ignition and walked calmly out of the car. He became a grey-and-black silhouette in the low-beams, just another wispy dust-mote amongst the blackness. Ralph put his hand on the door handle, but didn't motion any further to exit the vehicle. The dog whined again.

"It's for sale..." He breathed, his eyes catching on the rusted sign in the yard. It hung on a single chain, worn from age and disrepair.

Meanwhile, Roger had stooped and appeared as if he were searching for something on the ground. Something important. He straightened himself back up and stood still for a moment longer then, raising his arm, he threw a small, half-round object a few feet before the gritty old beast. And offering-a stone.

zuuup.

Ralph unlatched his safety belt and scrambled out of the car, trying for a better look. Roger kept tossing the stones, eventually gaining confidence, eventually using more force. They pinged off the tin roof, dropped into the sagging gutter, ricocheted off the siding and landed, stubbornly, back at their owner's feet; in which case, Roger would grab them back up and scream obscenities, chucking them with even more power. One hit the window. The glass shattered into a spider-webbed pattern of broken, dark, nighttime reflections. Roger paused for a moment. This aimless rock-throwing was getting him nowhere. His anger was building, had built, to double what it had been before. Ralph hung back by the hood of the mustang and idly watched.

Roger aimed.

First came all of the panes on the second-floor windows, then the first. The whole time he shouted awful curses and swears, some of which Ralph had never heard before. The blonde tried to ignore it. Yet, he still caught little snippets here and there.

"BLOODY BLOODY TWAT! TWO-FACED ASSHOLE! MORON! I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

At about the time all the windows were out and Roger was working on his first shutter, Ralph leaned and grabbed a large stone from beneath his feet and forcefully lobbed it with all the others.

"Yeah, you stupid house!" He growled loudly, a little jokingly, "Take that! Go cry in a corner, where you belong!"

Roger halted his furious throwing match and let his grip loosen. A few remaining stones clattered to the gravel driveway from between his fingers. He stared, dumbfounded, at the blonde, who made such weak and meaningless threats at his former occupancy that it was nearly laughable; only, under very different circumstances.

Finally, the shutter was knocked loose and crashed into the tangle of weeds that used to be the garden, throwing up a cloud of dust. Ralph coughed and stood back, looking meekly at what his handiwork had caused.

"Maybe I shouldn't have done that..." He laughed nervously, "You think the realtor will be mad? Rog?"

Roger sighed, pausing for a long while, then fell backwards onto the hood of his mustang tiredly. The low-beams bounced gently under the new weight. Ralph was beginning to think his roommate would never answer when:

"No." Roger spoke loudly, as if to confirm that he actually possessed such a thing as a voice. "This house has been for sale since I was fourteen. I always swore to myself that I'd scrape up enough money to buy it just so I could be the one to bulldoze it into the ground. But...that's not really a rational dream. More like a nightmare, if you ask me."

"Hm." Ralph said, just to say something. Just to fill the silence as they stared at the infamous relic that was Roger William's old house.

"I deserve everything I got, you know." Roger admitted. Ralph said nothing. He wanted to hear what Roger had to say. He had a feeling of what was coming next, and for some reason or another he didn't want to miss it. "For what I did to you and everyone else. You know. On the island."

"Hmm." Ralph repeated, not making eye contact, "Maybe."

"No!" Roger insisted, "Really! Ever since then, my life's gone to crap! I killed that fat lard, my mom's in a coma! I tortured those retarded twins, my father killed mine when I was THREE!" With a huff of breath, Roger fell to the ground and instead sat there, scuffing the gravel with his shoe. "I deserve it. I deserve everything. You don't even have to answer me. I deserve that too."

"What ever happened to Samneric?" Ralph asked curiously, "I almost forgot about them."

"They moved to America." Roger responded wearily, "Their parents heard their horror stories about me and got out of England as fast as they could."

"Oh. That's a shame. They were nice." Ralph said, "I didn't know you had a twin. Is that why you were so mean to them?"

"He had the same name as you."

"Is that why you were so mean to me?"

"My da strangled him to death and blamed it on me." Roger went on, paying no heed to Ralph's questions, "That's why I went to the cathi school. The government thought it would straighten me out."

"Is that why you were so mean to me?" Ralph repeated.

Roger answered: "...Yes. Because you stood for everything I hated about myself. Jack did too. He had a perfect life, you know. Perfect little family, white picket fence, a little sister who tailed him like a dog."

"What happened?"

"His sister is in the private school. His parents want Jack and Emily to be the best students, a doctor and a lawyer." Roger explained, "I feel half-bad for them."

"So, in short, the island screwed us all?" Ralph grinned. Roger stared back at him stupidly, wondering. Wondering how a person could smile so whole-heartedly on such a topic.

"Yeah, I guess." He shrugged. Then: "Wait, what happened to you?"

"Emotional scarring." Ralph responded plainly.

"Oh." Roger glanced down, crestfallen, "That's my fault too."

"Probably. But it's not all your fault, if that makes it any better." Ralph had tried to cheer his friend up, but it was a weak attempt, and obviously hadn't worked. Roger was still as moping and depressed as ever, maybe even more so. The house creaked and moaned in front of the backdrop of clear night sky, dripping with stars and constellations that reflected brightly off of Ralph's eager eyes.

"I don't want to sound creepy." Ralph said aloud, still gazing intently at the beautiful sky behind that horrid house, "But I think you're a very nice person once people get to know you."

"Ralph, I'm not stupid." Roger growled, "I'm a freaking sadist. I know that's not true. I'm not exactly Casper the friendly friggin ghost."

"That's not what I meant." Ralph shook his head, "What I mean is, that you're a very good friend."

"I would say that I hate you and that it means shit-all that you say that," Roger frowned, "But you'd know that was a lie, so..."

"Yeah, see!" Ralph clapped, "We're getting somewhere! Being honest is the first step to healing!"

"No it's not."

"Well, we can pretend."

"Whatever."

They were silent for a long while, both sitting in front of a different headlight, both eventually staring at the sky in awe of what was actually there. The stars twinkled and blazed in the curtain-backdrop of navy-blue, as if players in some terrible comedy that in fact turned out to be a tragedy all along. But the melancholy tone of their stage could not damper their mood. Despite of their circumstances, they were what drew the eye. Their glitter was what people thought of when they thought of the night. Happiness in the sorrow.

How ironic and stupid, thought Roger.

That one's in the shape of a flower, thought Ralph.

"I miss Jack." The blonde admitted shamefully, "I wish his parents would leave."

"I'll still never understand your relationship." Roger shot back, smiling cruelly. Ralph grinned sloppily back.

"And you never will."

"Even after this _awesome_ girl-guy bonding session?" Roger pleaded, trying to pull of puppy eyes. He couldn't even begin to put F-u to shame. "By the way, you're the girl."

"How mean!" Ralph pouted, then stuck his tongue out, "I'm not a girl, I'm just uke."

"What the hell does that even mean?!" Roger laughed, "Stop pulling out your urban dictionary crap on me, Ralph! Come on, let's go. I've had enough of this."

"You're done pouting?"

"Yes, I'm done." Roger rolled his eyes, "Let's go before the dog decides to strangle us for leaving her in the car all this time. Or worse, she'll piss on the leather."

Still chatting idly, the two roommates got back in the car and started back home. F-u seemed to be in a significantly better mood than when they arrived. Ralph switched on the radio and rolled down the windows, and she clambered over top of him to jut her muzzle out into the wind. She let the air buffet her ears, and it was a loud roar to her, but she still was able to discern the music below it.

She was a lone witness to Roger's small town growing more and more faint to the back of them. Without slowing down, the mustang devoured the future and left the places of the past behind.

* * *

**Ah, sort of depressing, ne? But also a little better than the last chapter, I suppose. **

**So, I really have nothing more to say. Let's go straight to review response tiem~~!  
HOTWINGINCIDENT~**

**Don't worry! You'll find out soon!**

**sATAN ABRAHAM~**

**Soulcrushing, eh? That's something I haven't heard before. Never fear, this was the last chapter of that arc, so...hopefully there will be no crushed souls...I apologize for any spiritual damage my writing may have caused!**

**MYSTERIOUSGIRL101~**

**yeah, it was pretty sad. Soul-crushing apparently :P! Anyway, yeah. There hasn't been a party in a while...hinthint. And F-U was fine in the car. She was just a little pissy afterwards. She get's kind of angry when Roger leaves her alone for too long, and even angrier when he interrupts her mani-pedi's with Hale and Melissa :P. Sorry about Jack not being in this chapter, but he's in the next if that's any consolation! And, yup, I do rather enjoy the three of them together. It's not the same when they're apart.**

**So, um...write ya later, I guess?**

**Ya. **

**THANKS FOR READING AND POSSIBLY REVIEWING! WRITE YA LATERS!**


	28. Oh God this is a mess

Epic I'm-running-out-of-things-to-do-with-this-title Time

EPISODE Twenty-Eight: Oh, God, this is a mess...

It was around midnight when Roger and Ralph rolled back into the dormitory, with F-u tailing eagerly after. They had planned on returning her to the girls, but didn't want to disturb their sleep. So, they'd just have to do it in the morning. Hopefully Jack's mum and da got stuck in traffic on their way over in the morning...

Roger slid his card-key through into the door and it unlocked with a tiny click. He pushed it open carefully and tried as hard as possible to keep the dog quiet as they all walked in. She nipped at his heels playfully, and he resisted the urge to kick her in the face. It might teach her a lesson. However, this would probably set off some chain reaction of crap that he couldn't deal with at this time in the night, so he wouldn't kick her.

Maybe later.

Wait, why were the lights on?

Ralph and Roger stopped in the doorway and slipped off their shoes soundlessly. The blonde lost his grip on F-u, and she bolted into the living room and leaped onto the strangers who stood there. They didn't look too happy. In fact, Jack's parents looked pissed. His mum tapped her heel in that way that meant 'shit's going down, son', and his father was bright cherry red. Jack was no where to be seen. Ralph and Roger exchanged a worried glance. What were they doing here?!

"You two boys have been gone an awful long time." His mum said harshly, "Do you know what time it is?"

"Well, when we got out of the car it was-" Ralph began. A look from Jack's parents quickly shut him up. Roger flexed his fingers within a clenched fist. This was quickly getting upsetting, very very upsetting, and he didn't like it one bit.

"Where exactly did you go, huh?!" She squawked, then, becoming agitated by the dog that was now attempting to devour her skirt, she ordered: "Get this damn dog off of me!"

"Fu-fu..." Ralph begged quietly, "Come on, please..." He glanced at Roger from the corner of his eye. Roger nodded and snapped his fingers angrily.

"FUCK YOU, OFF!" He growled, "Listen to your master, you dumbass!"

Immediately the animal whipped its head around to where Roger stood and cannoned towards his voice. Before he could hit him he side-stepped, sending her past him and barreling into the closed door. Ralph grabbed her collar and hooked it up to a leash on the coat hooks.

Jack's mum and da looked at them all with fury in their eyes.

"Watch your language, Roger!" his mum screamed, "That is UNACCEPTABLE!"

"I'm calling the dog like you told me to!" He snapped, "It's her name!"

"You named the dog after the 'f' word?!"

"Maybe I did! Why does it matter to you? I'm not your son!"

There was a pause. Mrs. Merridew turned as red as her son's hair and pressed her lips into a thin line. What had happened to obedient Roger, she thought? Where did that Roger go? The one that responded with yes ma'am and went straight to the bunk-room? She stepped forward a bit and pointed at him with a crooked finger.

"I am disappointed in you, young man." She said, slow and shaking, "I want you to apologize, before I find your parent and get them to come here and see you for themselves!"

Roger narrowed his eyes. Ralph stroked his dog and hugged her closer, looking over the scene before him with frightened blue eyes.

"My parents are dead." Roger growled, "Da was on death row and mother's in a coma. You have anything else to order me, JACK'S ma? I have a question for you, what are you doing in MY dorm in the middle of the night? huh?"

"I was just getting some of Jack's things." She stated plainly.

"Why?" Roger and Ralph asked in unison, both equally confused and dreading the answer.

"Because." The red-headed mother responded with an equal verve, "After you left he made the decision to live with us until he finishes college."

"WHAT?" Again, both at the same time. Ralph cast a horrified glance at Roger from the corner of his eye, but the sadist didn't seem to notice. He was caught somewhere in between surprise and dismay, fighting the urge to say something awfully nasty with that sharp tongue of his. He just barely managed to push down the instinct and bring forth something much more mature.

"Did you just say that he made the decision?" Roger demanded harshly, narrowing his eyes, "Are did you make the choice for him?"

"He told us. We talked it over first, of course..." The mother piped, scoffing, "He's waiting in the car, you know. I think we better be going."

Now Roger turned towards Ralph. The blonde looked down, stroking his dog gently, whispering something in its ear, trying not to look anyone in the eyes anymore. Not because he was afraid, but because he knew he couldn't stay...strong. He was never strong enough when the time came. He was never strong enough for the important things.

He was never strong, damnnit. Never strong.

Not enough, at least.

"Let me talk to him!" Roger fought, "Just for five minutes! That's all I want!"

Jack's mother adamantly shook her head and brushed past Roger and Ralph and the dog on her way out. The husband followed her obediently, just like F-U would with Ralph, or, more often than not, Roger. He was always red-in-the-face for some reason. Roger whirled and chased the out of the dorm.

"You can't do this! We're grown men!"

"Maybe on the inside, Roger." The mother frowned while not looking at him, "But obviously not on the outside. Your dorm was a mess, your manners and language are intolerable, and so is your bad influence on my son, young man."

"Are you blaming ME for his life choices?!" Roger practically screamed while he bounded down the steps, nearly sliding down the handrail in an attempt to speak face-to-face. However, he let the parents lead. Might as well not make the situation worse than it already was. "I didn't know about that part of Jack until you did! And you're blaming ME? These few years since Ralph showed up have been the happiest in his life, and you're just gonna take that away from him because you don't like it?!"

"..." She paused at the main door and let her husband take on the burden of the clothes that had been thrown in her purse. Then, slowly, she turned and faced Roger for the first time since leaving. Roger slackened his pace and fell back a few paces, still bracing himself against the hand rail of the stairs. He glared at her indignantly and she returned it with unwavering decision in her eyes. "No."

"Then what?"

"I don't know. I just don't like you."

"That's retarded. Lots of people don't like me. Bitch, I'm the most unlikeable person on the face of this planet." Roger laughed darkly, "But somehow I still have friends. And for some reason, girls still like me. And I've been lucky enough these past few years to have at least a fragment of my sanity. And if it weren't for your son and Ralph I'm afraid that wouldn't be possible. If you take him away now, we're all royally screwed."

She laughed once.

Just once.

"If he influenced you to turn into this, then he obviously has some problems that still need worked out, huh?"

And then she left.

The car door slammed, and Jack was gone. Just a fragment of their imagination in the seemingly empty dorm, just a shattered piece of a puzzle that had once been close to complete.

Roger brooded on his way back into the dorm. While he brooded he thought. He thought about all the things that had gone wrong over the almost-decade he'd known Jack and Ralph, and Jack with Ralph, and him with Jack and Ralph and Maurice and Bill and all the other crazies that inhabited his life like little ghosts of the island. He thought about the time that Bill and Maurice tipped over the punch table at junior prom. He thought about the time that his mother got hit in the side of the head in the kitchen and passed out for the last time. He thought about his father and his mother, and all their other fights. The ones that ended in bruised skin and scarred emotions. The ones that broke him. The ones that made him cry. The ones that made him question life as he knew it. Whether or not it was even worth it. The amount of times he thought about suicide. The amount of times he actually tried. the amount of times those plans failed and lead him to the conclusion that God either hated him or loved him enough to keep him alive, if God was even there in the first place.

Roger moved on to his more recent times. Taking them stair-step by stair-step as he moved stiffly back to the dorm room, burdened with the news for Ralph. There was the time when he first knew that he would be going to college with Jack and Ralph, through a letter that came in the mail. In spite of himself, he'd thought at first that it would be exciting. He was happy to be with people he knew. And, he hadn't exactly been wrong about the exciting part. Sure, he'd been mad and blown up more than he could care to spend precious minutes counting, but hadn't it been fun? All the parties and the wild-goose chases and the classes ruined by pointless doodling on notes and time spent not doing homework, but instead watching the ink scribble into messy lines on a piece of paper, listening to conversations Ralph and Jack had. Writing song lyrics in secret. He'd been half looking forward to the campus festival that weekend.

Wait a minute.

Replay that.

Roger stopped in his tracks, both metaphorically and physically, his hand halting in mid-air, almost gripping the door knob. He tried to remember what revelation had just come to him, but words and thoughts failed him. Sighing, he shook his head and walked back into the dorm room. He had expected some tears, some sobbing, some swollen eyes and some hard times trying to cheer up the stupid blonde, but Roger, surprisingly enough, found none of this.

How long had he taken to relive the past while walking back up the stairs? Because he seriously doubted that someone could get through seven bottles of whiskey in five minutes.

Or be alive. But, you know. This _was_ Ralph. The kid could hold his liquor.

"Uh...Ralph?" Roger queried, "Are you alright?"

"Iiiiyam fiiiiiine. Iffin'ya know wha' I meyean.." He slurred from where he was draped across the couch, shaking an empty bottle at the ceiling incoherently, "I gots a pok-ket full of sunshine...! Haha..hahaaaaha...ha..he..ah."

"Where'd you get the whiskey, Ralph?" Roger demanded sternly, walking over and yanking the bottle out of Ralph's weak fingers. The blonde tried to stare at Roger in anger, but he just ended up going cross eyed instead. He squinted his eyes shut in pain at the light coming from the light fixture hanging above him. Roger slapped him in the forehead and in return Ralph tried to bite him.

"I gat it een thee ehmergeencyyyyyyyyyyyy...emergence...emem...closet ."

"Okay. What is the emergency closet and where can I find it?" Roger raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"It is..." Ralph snickered at something very funny, then flipped off of the couch upside-down, landing in a heap on the floor. Roger looked down at him, condescending. He laughed again, more uncontrolled and drunken. "It is a...seeeecrettt."

"Yeah, yeah." Roger growled, "Okay. That's nice. You're really drunk. Why are you this drunk?"

"I gotta pocketful...a pocketful of sunshine...a gotta love, gotta know that it's fall and blind...and awwwwwwwwwwwwww man. I caaan't remember the rest of the lyriiicsss..."

"RALPH!"

"What!" Ralph moaned, "What do you waaannnnt?"

"I want you to stop being FREAKING DRUNK!" Roger shouted, "GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!"

"GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!"

"STOPPIT!"

"STOOOOPPPET!"

"RALPH!"

ROOOOOGERR!"

Roger was quickly getting fed up with this. With everything else that was blazing through his mind right now, he really didn't have the time for Jack's bitchy boyfriend to be slobbering and inebriated on the dorm floor. So, he leaned down, grabbed Ralph's shirt collar, and tossed him over the back of the couch roughly. Ralph spluttered and coughed, rubbing his eyes in upset. Oh boy. Here comes the water works.

Rolling his eyes, Roger took a seat next to the blonde and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Now Ralph," He grimaced, "I want you to tell me where you got the liquor."

"Why..."

"Because. I promise I won't be mad."

"Why..."

"Because I'm going to need some too."

* * *

**Okay, I maybe lied about Jack being in this one. But that's because I wasn't sure where I was going with it yet exactly...**

**I'm sorry...But he'll be in it again, I promise. And there will be funnies again before this is all over, I promise. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.**

**Anyway, sorry again for being all depressing like.**

**Sigh...**

**I would do review response time, but I don't really have the time for review responses. **

**I'm busy :P I'm making an RPG game. If anyone could help me learn the ropes, that would be excellent! ah...haha. But, don't feel obliged! It's gonna be called mutt, and it's about the son of a serial kidnapper and these nightmares he's having. yup. Yeah. **

**Anyway. Yeah. Thanks for reading, and quite possibly, reviewing! **

**WRITE YA LATER!**

**Btw, yes, Roger will be drunk in the next one.**

**No, there will be no RogerRalph or whatever you call that ship. **

**No. **

**Abso**

**Lutely**

**no.**

**Don't even.**

**Sorry if I offend any avid shippers out there, but I really don't understand that ship at all...like, at all...at all... -_-**


	29. Crushing Potato Chips

**Epic Party Time?**

**Episode: Just One More, I Promise. (Alternate title: Crushing Potato Chips)**

"There's no way." Roger hiccupped, "That you...he wouldn't leave..."

"Got that right, Rogggger." Ralph slowly agreed, "I used to think that too."

"Whatcha thinkin' about now?"

"Nothin'."

"Haha...aaah. Fuunny."

The amount of empty bottles of random, miscellaneous liquor had substantially increased in the past hours. Roger sprawled across the couch and rested his head on the coffee table. Everything was bright and funny-looking and overall very nice. He laughed aloud for some reason, nearly falling from off his perch. Ralph kicked him and completed the job.

"That's not nice." Roger commented angrily.

"Sod off." Ralph mumbled, muffled by a throw pillow he'd hugged to his face. By this stage in his drunkenness, the effect was just beginning to wear off. With this came the headaches and the pain and the remembrance of everything that once was, and that still was. With this came the realization that none of his problems had actually been solved at all.

Roger began to pick himself shakily off the ground, listing sideways a bit after a few moments of staring into space. He caught himself on the edge of the table and sat down, trying to steady the world.

"I can tell." Roger smiled eerily, "that's...there's...wow. There's something wrong."

"Noooo." Ralph muttered.

"Tell meee!" Roger insisted.

"Shut up!"

"Tell me, fucker!"

"No! No!"

"You can't hide what's inside!" Roger jeered, bringing out the shows of his childhood into the conversation. Geez, what abysmal orifice of his imagination did those well up from? he couldn't remember the last time he actually watched TV. Sure, he turned the thing on all the time. But he was just pretending. Doing his job. Like everyone else.

"I can and I have!" Ralph said from behind the pillow. His bobby pins had skewed off and fallen out, clattering to the floor in a twosome. Roger retrieved them and set them on the table with perhaps more caution than called for.

"The world's kind'a fuzzy nowadays, huh?" He started off in a half-aware rant, "I don't know what's the right thing and what's the wrong thing, and I'm not'so sure you do either, Ralphie-boy."

"..."

"But there's the thing...something once told me once...I can't remember it anymore, but I'm sure it would've helped..."

"You're not helping." Ralph growled, "You're just confirming everything I thought I knew."

Roger half-leaned, half-fell forward and gripped Ralph's shoulders, trying to pry him from the rumpled form of the throw pillow he gripped so tightly.

"Now, lookie here..." He began.

"Just shut up already!" Ralph shouted, "I can handle this myself! God...why..."

"Am I the idiot or are you the idiot?" Roger asked, suddenly very clear and un-slurred in his speech. For him as well, the fog was beginning to lift. It may have been the time that passed, it may have been the mood that had rolled in like a new mist. Maybe it was both. Maybe it was neither.

"We're both the idiot." Ralph pulled himself from the pillow and revealed his tear-soaked face. They smeared the make-up and the disguise and the whole charade. It was over. "Maybe me more than you." He smiled weakly. "I'm sorry I dragged you into this. And sort of got us both drunk as skunks, but...you know..."

"Aw, i's no problem." Roger looked down at the floor, where he'd fallen.

"No, really. I can't believe I was so stupid." Ralph laughed in spite of himself. "I was so stupid back then, and I guess I just had to follow through, right? Get it?"

"No. Not really." Roger grinned sloppily, "But maybe a little bit."

"All I wanted to do...was forget the past...and pretend like it never happened." Ralph shared quietly, "I wanted to make everybody else happy. In a world where nobody was chief, and we could all live the way we wanted."

Roger stayed silent. He wanted to hear this. He'd been waiting for a while now.

"I wanted to be happy too, I really did." Ralph sobbed, "But I couldn't face myself. I regret everything, but I regret nothing at the same time and I don't know why. I don't even know who I am anymore. I lost everything. And I never really forgot either. I just pushed away the fact that I remembered, for everyone else's sake."

"But were you happy?" Roger asked.

Ralph breathed in shakily. "Maybe." He admitted, "But I'm not sure. I had no one when I got back, you know. I lived alone. My parents travel the world now without me. They did back then. They want to visit every country in the world. Meanwhile, all I wanted was help. I didn't get any. When they found out I was back, they sent me to boarding school with you guys. They thought it would make me feel better, knowing people."

"So you were alone too?" Roger sighed, not really a question, just a statement. So their esteemed leader, the one everyone had secretly looked up to afterwards for being normal again for being happy...he was faking all along. Deep down, Roger knew the whole time. A smile on the surface. But not deep down. After the island, everyone had been estranged from society. All they had was each other. And Ralph was the best of them.

Maybe he still was...redeemable?

"I think that makes you better." Roger said aloud.

"What? Are you kidding me? I'm pathetic." Ralph went on.

"Well, everyone else wallowed in their self-pity and solitude." Roger joked, trying to pull out the largest words in his vocabulary just for effect. "You at least smiled."

"It was a joke though. An awful, terrible joke."

"Yes, but jokes make people feel better."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You helped me too. I aspired to be like you in high school, you know. I wanted to have my life together like I thought you did. Although...after you joined forces with Jack I pretended to hate you both. Again, I think everything was for show."

"Why should I care?" Ralph growled.

"I'm trying to tell you that you weren't alone all this time!" Roger exclaimed, "We thought we all were, and none of us really were and...shit! This is weird!"

"Bark!" F-u agreed jovially. She licked Roger's heel and he shoved her away.

Then it came back. The revelation form earlier hit Roger like a baseball in the head when he was in fourth grade. It nearly knocked him out, gave him a bloody nose, and made him see stars. It made him think he was damn near crazy. But it was brilliant. Dastardly and daring and terrifying and thrilling and brilliant.

"Hey Ralph!" Roger shot up, thrusting his fist in the air half-way, smiling genuinely, "I think this calls for a party!"

"What?" The blonde gaped, wondering where this new energy had come from. Once again, the dog woofed in acceptance.

"This calls for a party!" Roger repeated. He grabbed Ralph's wrist and tried to tug him off the couch, pulling as hard as he could muster. Ralph held fast to the back of the sofa.

"Why?! Those were just another excuse, you know!"

"You still like Jack, right?" Roger egged on.

"...yeah." Ralph admitted shamefully, "I..always have..."

"I knew that! But now we have to prove it!" Roger snapped, "So we're throwing a party!"

"How does that prove anything?!" Ralph objected.

"The college fair is coming up soon!" Roger went on, still not making any sense, "Everyone and their grandma is going...everyone and their parents..."

Something clicked in Ralph's head. He too rushed to his feet and grinned. "Jack and his parents!"

"Yes!" Roger agreed energetically, "And it'll be quite the party. And every party needs music!"

"Really?!" Ralph gasped.

"Yes! Do you still have Simon's number? And Bill's and Maurice...well, we can find Maurice..." Roger trailed off, voice dripping in excitement. "The whole band! We'll have to get the whole band back together!"

"...why are you doing this?" Ralph asked suddenly.

"Because." Roger answered, not skipping a beat, "I want to show you something. I'm going to show you how much you really mattered. I'm going to show you who you really are."

"Woof!"

There was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it!" Roger shouted. Though, there was no one else to hear him so it really didn't matter all that much. He vaulted over the table and stumbled over to the door, nearly tripping over empty bottles on his way over. Kicking the obstacles out of the way, Roger tried at the door knob. Then he remembered it was locked, and he stopped to work at those first. After the brief pause, Roger threw the door open.

"Uh..hello!" The visitor greeted nervously, "I was just here to see if Ralph wanted us to take the dog again sometime...not for anything...else...hehe."

"Hale!" Roger exclaimed happily, "Just the person I wanted to see! What do you think of Ralph, by the way?"

"Um...he's nice. I always thought that...he was...unique and fun to be around. Wait, why?" Hale puzzled. Roger pulled her into the dorm room and slammed the door.

"Ralph, Hale's here!" Roger announced. The dog sprinted into the room and leapt onto Hale's knees, panting eagerly. She leaned down and petted the dog contentedly.

"What the hell are you all worked up about?" Hale asked in distraction.

Roger smiled at her. "We're about to do something crazy. You think that you could help?"

Hale thought about it for a moment, then smiled back. "Sure." She laughed, "We all could. I hate this place anyway. Stick it to the man, am I right?"

_This is coming together fabulously_, Roger thought to himself. _Then he paused. Fabulously? Did I really just think that?_

_Whatever. Let's have some fun._

* * *

**WOOOOOO! **

**Guess what today is?**

**It's my anniversary! No, not my wedding anniversary or my divorce-a-versary. Those are both next month. **

**I'm talking about my Fanfiction anniversary! Today, last year, I signed up for this site! I couldn't be more thrilled with the things I and you guys have done since then!**

**YOU ALL ARE AWESOME!**

**I'm hoping for an even more FABULOUS time with this next year of fanfiction-ing. Thanks to you for putting up with me! I would have never imagined that I would have had all these followers and reviewers and readers when I first joined!**

**THANK YOU!**

**To commemorate this wonderful event, I'm hoping to finish this by tonight. Woo!**

_**Don't quote me on that.**_

**REVIEW RESPONSE TIME!**

**Well, I don't really have much to say...except for shout-out to MYSTERIOUSGIRL101, SATAN ABRAHAM, and HOTWINGINCEDENT for actively reviewing every chapter lately. You guys are awesome! THANKS YOU SO MUCH...*sobs* You guys...sniff...are awesome...so awesome...**

**I loves you all... **

**Okay, so, I gots to get back to writing nao! Thanks for reading and possibly reviewing! Thanks you all for your time, and I hope you stick around for the last official episode of EPIC PARTY TIME!**

**There'll be an epilogue, but you know...either way, the next episode is the last...**

**And also, it will be the episode where I announce THE NEXT BIG COMEDY PROJECT! dundundun.**

**Thanks again, guys! Let's have another memorable year! **

**WRITE YA LATER!**


	30. You are

EPIC party TIME

EPISODE THIRTY: You are...

"_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away_."

"Where'd you learn that song?" Roger grimaced to Ralph, who was currently being fussed over by Melissa and this other girl Emily. Hale hung back, inspecting the work with critical eyes, but saying nothing.

"Why do you wanna know?" Ralph teased.

"I was just wondering." Roger huffed.

"haha. You two are weird." Hale commented. She went on call Fu-Fu and stroke the animal lovingly, making strange, comforting cooing noises. "Arguing over a child's lullaby, are you?"

"Hey, my mother used to sing me that." Roger frowned at her, "It reminds me of better times. And, you're one to be calling people weird. Look at you. You're purring at a dog."

"Am not." Hale puffed back.

"You two are arguing over arguing. pfft." Ralph laughed.

"Hey, stop moving!" Melissa scolded, "You're screwing me up!"

"Remind me why I'm still here." Hale muttered to Roger, rolling her eyes.

"You're here to help us get ready for the college festival." He replied.

"Isn't that tonight?" Hale gaped, "I didn't know you guys had a booth!"

"We...don't." Roger chuckled nervously. Hale resisted the urge to slap him before going on.

"Well then, what the hell?" She shouted. Making to shove the dog's face into Roger's, she leaned forward and began assaulting his personal space persistently, swatting at him with her free hand at times and eventually pushing him to the carpet. This is when F-u took her opportunity and began the second wave of attacks, using her tongue to weaken the enemy's defenses. Roger spat and kicked her away, though he was laughing so his anger had no real appearance or effect.

"Eugh! Gross! This is why I don't hang out around girls! No respect for my personal bubble!" He growled playfully.

"What did you say?!" Hale screeched in mock dismay, "Why, I-"

"-Hey!" Melissa snapped teasingly, "You two, stop flirting! You're making your bestie sick, Hale. And I just got Ralphie's hair done too. It'd be a shame to ruin it with my breakfast."

Hale turned bright red and shuffled up to the couch, toying around with the discarded magazines and the remotes. Funny how last year's edition of cosmopolitan looked so appealing when trying to avert your eyes from the room. Ooh, scandalous. Ah, what's that? What did you say, editor? You can improve your sex with these easy tips? Why sure, she'd read it. Why not? Hale buried her face into the pages and pretended not to hear anyone. Roger, Ralph, Melissa and Emily all laughed. F-u barked her approval.

"So...what exactly are you guys planning?" Melissa struck up another line of conversation.

"Well, we were gonna crash their party, if you know what I mean." Roger suggestively hinted.

"Nothing too crazy, I would hope." Hale muttered quietly, "Be a shame if you guys got kicked from the Uni."

"I heard that." Roger shot at her, "And don't you worry about it. I've got this covered."

"What does that mean?" Hale queried angrily.

"It means that you need to calm yourself, woman, before your head blows right off your neck." He darkly teased.

"For God's sake, Roger, I-!"

"Okay, that's enough." Melissa calmed them both down, "I said no more flirting."

"He's so infuriating!" Hale fumed from the couch, slamming down the filthy magazine, "Melissa, I don't know how you can stand it! And why the hell do three guys have cosmo in their house anyway?!"

"Hey, it's not a house, first of all." Roger corrected drily, "Second of all, there's only two guys, and one of them is gone."

"Hey!" Ralph objected.

"Third of all," Roger concluded through his teeth, "Haven't you forgotten that my roommates are both gay and hoarders?"

"Oh," Emily muttered, "Is that why there's a broken keyboard over there in the corner?"

"It wasn't always broken." Ralph giggled.

"Stop moving!" Melissa laughed, "Geez! What does a girl have t do around here to get someone to listen to her!?"

"B-J's?" Hale suggested darkly.

"Uh, I don't think so." Roger disagreed blatantly.

"Hey, it was just an idea." She shrugged and prodded the magazine with her socked foot daintily, watching it slide across the coffee table in disinterest. There was yet another rapping on the door, and she pushed herself up, looking for an excuse to leave this hell hole for even just a moment. "Hold on, I'll get it."

"Thanks." Roger sighed.

"Whatevs."

She peered through the sight on the door on tippy toes and frowned.

"It's some tiny kid. What do I do?!"

"Just answer it. It's not like it can get any crazier around here!" Roger offered. Hale rolled her eyes and did as advised. The 'tiny kid' waltzed on in and tossed a heavy case into the kitchen. Hale gaped.

"Hold on!" She gasped, "Simon, what are you doing here?! I didn't recognize you...I haven't seen you in a while, little bro."

"You're his sister?!" Roger spat.

"You're my sister?" Simon asked. It sounded like genuine confusion, but you never could really tell with Simon.

"You're both idiots." Hale grumbled. She took her seat once more on the couch and nudged the Cosmo back into place on the center of the coffee table.

"You're late, Si." Roger scolded, "I could've used the company."

"My apologies, I got caught in afternoon traffic." The composer bowed just an inch and fell to the floor in between Roger and Ralph. "So, what's the hub-bub about?"

"We're going to break a lot of rules." Roger grinned.

"That doesn't sound very fun. Or Ralph-like." Simon commented.

"Nope." Ralph popped his 'p' and leaned forward on his palms a bit. This was received with a groan from Melissa, at which Ralph corrected his posture and returned to his frozen states.

"What's with the make-up crew?" Simon queried.

"Ralph cried his off and they were here anyway, so..." Roger trailed off, "You know. He's gotta look his best."

"That's...cool I guess?" Simon complimented, still rather confused.

"Dunderheads." Hale scoffed. Roger tossed a throw-pillow that had fallen to the floor in her direction. It landed with a thud close to Hale and she shoved it back on top of his head.

"I should have you arrested for being obstructive." Roger teased.

"What exactly am I obstructing?!" Hale coughed in frustration.

"I have no idea. I'm just saying."

"Well, stop saying."

"I think this calls for some music!" Melissa broke in, a flurry of excitement and nervousness enveloping her. Clearly, she was a little embarrassed by her own roommates behavior. Roger laughed out loud at the thought that maybe their rooming situation was even remotely similar to his own. Maybe there were others out there like them.

Probably not, but the thought was worth thinking just to make himself feel better. Especially at a time like this.

"What do you guys like around here?" Melissa queried. Ralph fidgeted while she was away at their radio in the kitchen. Winking at Ralph when he thought no one was looking. "Hey, Em! Knock Ralph in the back of his head for me, will ya? Just try not to mess up his hair too bad!"

"I'm sorry, Ralph." Emily apologized quietly before bumping her closed hand into the Blonde's cranium. He winced and sat still again.

"So...music?" Melissa asked again.

"NPR?" Simon suggested.

"No." Everyone shot down said suggestion in unison.

"Hey, I was just trying!" Simon grinned, "I didn't even think I'd be part of the plot this far in, but look at me now!"

"I know, right?!" Ralph gaped with him, "Look how far we've come!"

"What are you talking about?!" Roger and Hale grimaced together.

"MUSIC?!" Melissa continued to shout.

"Oh, just something good." Roger called back, "I've got some CD's in the drawer there. Pick one you like. I don't mind."

There came the sound of the drawer being thrown open, then the rattle of the CD cases as Melissa flipped through them eagerly. She 'ooh'-d and 'ah'-d at many of them, making weird sound effects as her journey through Roger's tastes went on. Finally, she seemed settled upon something and started the player.

"Which one is it?" Roger asked her as she danced back in and took her place behind Ralph with the make-up back. She got back to work, not looking up as she replied.

"It's The White Tie Affair. I love them..." She sighed wistfully, "You have such great taste in music."

"Thanks?"

"No problem-o! It's a shame your not my type!" She teased, "I already have a boyfriend anyway!"

"Who?" Roger asked curiously.

"Bill!"

"Well, that's unexpected." Roger frowned.

"How are you two doing, speaking of which?" Hale said, continuing to derive her attention into the magazines on the table.

"We're cool." Melissa laughed. Roger bit his lip to stifle the laughter. Well, at least now that relationship made sense. Melissa broke into a happy little jig unexpectedly and broke in, "Oooh! This song is my jam!"

"What song?" Ralph questioned, "This one? What if I Fall?"

"Yes!"

"Oh my God, mine too!" Ralph squealed. The two squee-d together for quite some time before going on with the make over. Emily fidgeted uncomfortably around their jovial nature and turned pale-white. Roger threw her a sympathetic glance and stood up.

"I'm hungry." He said, "And this is completely pointless. I feel like everyone just went on a tangent here. Anyone else?"

"Same here. This is boring." Hale agreed. "Do you want to go get some lunch? I'll pay."

"That's nice of you..." Roger muttered, "But I'll get it."

"Hey, can you guys bring it back here?!" Melissa asked cheerfully, "We can all have lunch together in your dorm room! That would be fun! Like an indoor picnic!"

"Yeah, sure." Roger shrugged. Hale looked slightly disappointed, but Roger was too hungry and still slightly hungover to care. He had a major headache. He needed to get out of this place before all the noise made him crazy. Right on time, F-u started nipping at his heels, almost as if she could smell that he was leaving the premises. She wanted in on the fun too.

'walk me, walk me' she seemed to be begging, 'oh, God, Roger, please walk me.'

"No. Sod off." Roger insisted, shaking her away. "Come on, you stupid dog. I hate you. Get off me."

"She can come too." Hale said, "I don't mind."

"Not in my mustang she can't. Not this time. Last time she got hair all over the seats." Roger scoffed.

"Oh! Wow, that's your car! It's beautiful!"

"It better be. Took me forever to save up for the darn thing."

"Get going already!" Melissa insisted wildly, "Come on! I'm hungry! Talk in the car! Go, go, go!" She stood up again and stomped over to Roger, pushing the keys into his hands and practically shoving he and Hale out the door. "Nobody cares about your weird conversations! Go!"

"Hey, bring back something tasty!" Ralph waved.

"She told you not to move..." Emily whined.

"Why am I here?" Simon wondered.

"There's always a reason!" Ralph smiled, then broke into laughter. The door slammed then, abrupt and unexpected as the gift of the smile, and Hale and Roger were trapped on the other side until they retrieved their offering and brought it back. They exchanged a puzzled glance.

"Is there something I should know about?" She asked.

"What do you mean?" Roger grinned. Maybe smiles were infectious after all. Real smiles, at least.

"There's something different about you two, and I can't put my finger on it." She pondered, "I mean, not like there's always been something different...but recently...just this time...I feel like I've missed out on something important."

"You have."

"But you're not going to tell me."

"Nope."

She shrugged and put her hands in her pockets. "I don't care. I'll figure it out eventually. Or you'll tell me. Or none of the above. It's none of my business, is it?" Hale smirked and threw him a wink. Roger was beginning to think that he might learn to like this girl. A girl who stayed out of business that wasn't hers and didn't pry. A girl with a smile that was...infectious. Before he could say anything, Hale was dashing off down the stairs and laughing at him. "You looked like an idiot just then!"

"Hey! I'm the one with car keys!"

_You are...the only exception._

* * *

_"_Where are we going to get food?" Hale asked while flipping through the CD case that had been jammed between the seats in the mustang's interior. Roger kept his eyes on the road, leaning forward to check for cars before responding:

"A place where they sell food, preferably."

"Well, duh." Hale rolled her eyes and continued to finger through the discs. "Wow, you have a lot of music."

"Yeah, I guess I do." He shrugged back, "Music helps me get through the hard times."

"Oh~!" She exclaimed at the end of the case, "What's this?!"

"What's what-oh, give that back! Hey!" Roger panicked and tried to keep his eyes still on the road as he reached over the middle console and attempted to pry the little papers from her eager fingers.

"This must be dirty~!" She teased, "Come on, let me see, Roger! What is it?!"

"It's just song lyrics, give 'em to me! I'm gonna crash the car!"

"Song lyrics?" Hale said in wonder, "Ooh!" She began to press herself further against the window, trying to get away from Roger's prying hand, and unfolded a slip of lined paper. It had random mish-mashed doodles scrawled along the edges, with the main scrawl framed by them. She read them eagerly, not sure what she expected, but not finding whatever that thing was. A faint smile crawled across her lips, and she pressed the slips back into their owner's hand. It was quiet for a while.

"I thought it was beautiful." Hale piped up.

Roger looked at her in wonder. "Really?"

"Yeah. You should do that. For a living, I mean...Is it what you like to do? There's quite a lot of them in there." She fumbled.

"Yes...I mean...yeah, I like writing songs...I'm not too good a speaker..."

"I would listen to your music." Hale grinned, "If your songs came on the radio, I wouldn't change the station."

"Thanks?"

"So," Hale pressed once more, "Where are we going?"

"Somewhere new." Roger answered mysteriously, breathing anticipation into the bright, near-summer air, "I think it's called the future."

"That's super badass." Hale smiled, "And a little bit meta."

"Tell me about it."

* * *

"Ooh! The food's here!" Melissa cheered, "You guys took long enough!"

"Sorry!" Roger nervously called as he set down the bags upon bags of fast-food. "We didn't know what you guys wanted!"

"So we just ordered everything on the menu." Hale finished proudly.

"I don't know how we're going to finish all this..." Emily weakly moaned, "This is too much...I'm going to be sick..."

The smell of the greasy food wafted up into the atmosphere in puffy clouds as Melissa began unwrapping the packages. She breathed in the guilty scent and popped a French-fry in her mouth.

"Mmm!" She exclaimed, "I love fast food! My mother never let me eat this stuff when I lived with her!"

"I'm surprised you're not three-hundred pounds." Hale commented drily.

"Who cares?" Roger shrugged, "Let her eat until she pops. We only die once, right? Make the best of life while you still can."

"You're being really story-book today, Roger." Hale teased. There was another knock on the door. She looked up from the stinking brown bags of dripping food and snorted in laughter. "You're awfully popular today too."

"I'll get it, sis." Simon offered.

"What happened to not knowing me?" Hale said in mock hurt. "Wow, you're harsh, Si."

Simon rushed to the door, but he actually tripped on one of the boys' discarded bottles. It seemed as if he hadn't the vigilance to watch for the junk littering the floor. Melissa threw Ralph a curious glance when she saw the empty bottle but said nothing. Ralph shrugged. He was looking almost normal again; well, at least for Ralph. Meanwhile, Simon picked himself back up and answered the door slowly.

"Oh, hi." He bowed and let the guests in, "You're right on time for lunch, you three. We were beginning to think you'd never show. Where's Percy?"

"Oh, he...uh...well, let's just say he's having fun at the amusement park right about now. It's a good thing he memorized his cell-phone number and address." A familiar voice shakily responded.

"Why's that?" Simon sighed.

"The amusement park's in Germany!"

"Great."

"Okay, but seriously, he'll be fine..." A different voice added, "...right?"

"Definitely!" The first voice confirmed.

"Cool." Yet another voice joined in with the chorus.

"Guys!" Simon called out, "Maurice, Robert, and Bill are here!"

"Bill! We're in here shoving our faces!" Melissa crooned, "Come on in!"

"Hey guys!" Ralph greeted.

"So, what's up?" Maurice chuckled.

"We're bringing the band back together. Which means you've already re-qualified yourself, considering how fashionably late you are." Roger scoffed.

"Oh, you mean that band that only performed once and resulted in you hurting yourself when you ripped the guitar chords to shreds with your bare teeth?!" Maurice replied in dismay.

"Yes." Roger and Ralph answered in unison.

"I'm in." Maurice agreed, falling into the plush surface of the couch and kicking back with whichever bag of fast food he happened to grab first.

"Cool." Bill nodded, whipping out a pair of sunglasses and pushing them onto his face. He looked as if there should be an explosion behind him, with some epic music playing. Some wind in his hair...yeah, that would about do it. Instead of dwelling on Bill's near-perfect nature-more the way he held himself than anything else-Roger threw up a peace sign as a hello. The chill boy threw it straight back at him and just barely smiled.

"Okay, so are you guys ready to break all the rules?" Roger began, "Every single one just for the hell of it?"

"What do you mean?" Robert grimaced.

"We're gonna crash the opening ceremonies tonight." Roger announced.

"Oh my God!" Melissa gasped, standing up straight, knocking all of the food that she had sprawled out on her lap to the ground, "Are you insane! You'll be kicked out of the school!"

"I've got that handled!" Roger insisted, "I solemnly swear, not a single one of you will get punished for this." He threw up his right hand just for extra measure. Maurice stood up alongside Melissa and saluted him abruptly.

"Count me in!" He puffed up his chest and gave everyone a toothy grin, "I'll do anything for my country, even if it means sacrificing my life, sir!"

"Stand down, soldier." Roger said just to humor him. Happily, Maurice plopped back down on the couch and went back to working on his sandwich. "Anyone else? I'll need you all if this is going to work."

"If what's going to work? Why exactly are you doing this?" Hale questioned.

"Anyone notice that our regiment has taken a casualty today?" Roger asked the room, looking into every stern or cheerful face, every cautious or curious expression, every hopeful or dreamer, every secret personality, hidden in solitude, cut off from the world. From what they really wanted. Now was the time. Now was the time for the rejects to join together, he thought. This was the time for a smile war. He was going to fight his best, even if it killed him. Chances are, it would. But he knew he'd be better in the end.

"Jack's not here." Simon piped up finally, after a long moment of silence.

"That's right. We're fighting for him today." Roger admitted shamefully, "A fallen soldier, tis true. But one worth fighting for none the less." He was really pulling out all of the stops with this performance. All those times he sat in on drama classes really paid off. "Yesterday, if you'd have asked me what I was fighting for, I would have answered: Good grades, a place in the crowd, a place in someone's heart. A place where I would fit in!" He spun on a heel and tried to think of something else to say. Monologues weren't easy. He had to tip his metaphorical cap to actors at this point in his life. "But today I fight for freedom! BRAVEHEART!"

"That's not too comforting." Robert grimaced.

"What I'm trying to say is...that..." Roger stumbled with his thoughts and his words. They didn't correspond very well anymore. "I think...I'm...you know, sometimes, puzzle pieces break..."

Hale got to her feet and joined him in the limelight. She gave him a re-assuring nod before taking over for him.

"I think what he's trying to say is that," She began, "Who cares if you don't fit in, you bunch of freaks! Let's show that ginger idiot what he's missing out on...whatever the heck he did, I'm sure we're going to make him regret it! We're going to the future!" Then, after another stunned pause, she thrust her fists up into the open air and shouted: "BRAVEHEART!"

Roger smiled at her. "How meta." He commended.

"I know, right?" She grinned back.

"I'll do it." Ralph smiled, "But you already knew that."

"Yeah, but it's appreciated anyway." Roger thanked.

"I'll do it." Melissa joyfully hurrahed and jammed another fry in her mouth. "Let's be fat!"

"Cool." bill shrugged, clearly not getting any of this but not caring nonetheless.

"I guess I'm in too...but only because these guys are my ride home and I have nothing better to do..." Robert muttered, wallowing in self-pity.

"I'll be in." Emily agreed, "As long as we don't get in trouble."

"Don't worry. You'll be fine." Melissa calmed, mouth full to bursting with greasy fast food. It nearly made her unintelligible.

"That leaves me." Simon grinned, "And I've rooted for this from the sidelines for long enough. Don't you think?"

"Woo! We're awesome!" Melissa cheered.

"The awesome squad!" Maurice added, striking a pose, "Fighting the injustices of the popular and bringing Jack back from the depths of..."

"His parent's clutches." Roger helped out.

"Yeah, what he said!" The crazy boy finished.

"Tonight, we dine in hell!" Ralph shouted.

"Wrong movie, but okay!" Roger leaped up onto the table, misplacing the Cosmo and glancing over his troops. Each and every one unique in their own special ways...maybe some more than others, but who cared?

Tonight, they would win Jack back. No rhyme intended.

Tonight they would conquer the world. And if they were lucky, their fears would come crumbling down with it.

_You are..my turning page._

* * *

Robert's job was perhaps one of the most difficult, but there was no other man for the job. Or, rather, boy, considering Rob hadn't graduated high school yet and was only up at the Uni for the festivities. Since he was the smallest and least recognizable, it was his official duty to steal all of the audio stuff and plug it in where the rest of the 'band' could use it. When his job was done, and the security team at the opening ceremonies had their fair share of PR troubles, Rob retired to Maurice's car and wallowed in terror for the rest of his life. Or, it seemed that way. Really, it was only a few hours.

Roger had given his pep talk for the night. Still, everyone was nervous and silent and shaking in their shoes. The last party had been different. This time...there were adults. There were expectations and eager parents, waiting for something to clap for. And in the end, the performance would disappoint them. And they all knew that and they were crazy for doing what they were about to do. Maurice spun his drumsticks in his fingers, twirling them with distanced eyes. Ralph let the bass hang around his neck by the strap and stared at his reflection with a searching blue gaze. He didn't seem happy with what he found there. Roger tried to catalogue the chords. They'd only practiced the song once.

Only once might just be enough to win a few hearts, right?

Right.

The girls looked rather spiffy too, dressed up nice and serving as distractions currently, weaving their way amongst the crowd, talking to certain people to draw their attention away from the stage for that special moment. Still, they were glassy-eyed and wondering. Wondering what this would lead to and what it was all for. Hale came back to where they were all gathered every once and a while, giving cues and trying to put on a good face. She always left with the mood. Even Bill and Simon were unusually mute, exchanging meager chatter on this and that. Simon pointed to the glassy surface of Bill's semi-acoustic guitar and Bill just shrugged and turned it in disinterest, trying to catch some sort of light.

There was a commotion out there, in the wave of people. Ralph stared past Roger and into the crowd suddenly. Roger nodded in his direction, and the Blonde came back into focus. Where they were hidden, behind an alleyway in the parking lot close to the main stage, nobody could see them. So it was no use looking to something that wouldn't look back.

"We're gonna be alright." Roger said aloud. "Alright."

"I think so too." Simon agreed.

"Cool." Bill sighed, "Chill. Whatever."

"That's the first time I've heard you say an actual word." Maurice laughed quietly.

"My vernacular is in fact quite vast." Bill admitted shamefully. He adjusted the shades on the bridge of his nose and looked down at the semi, admiring its shining surface intently.

"I don't know what the hell that means, but good on you, Bill." Roger commended, "You've actually managed to surprise me."

"Cool." He muttered back.

"Well. this is it." Ralph murmured, "We're going on soon, aren't we?"

"Yeah, Rog." Maurice grinned, "When's are cue?"

"When Hale says we're good."

Just then Hale popped back into the alleyway and nodded to them all.

"I think we're good." She solemnly smiled. "Are we all sure about this?"

"Yes." Roger said firmly, "Let's do it!"

"COOL!" Bill cheered. Well, make that the second time Roger was surprised.

"M-m-m-m-m-Maurice and Buck-eye Billy here are goin' on out to steal the show with our winning personalities, old chaps!" Maurice broke out suddenly, "Get your ears ready for these chillin' and killin' sounds brought to you live, from yours truly."

"Neat." Roger commented. "Now, enough faffing about. Let's get this done, shall we?"

"All hands in." Simon offered. Roger put his hand in the center of their loose circle. After a moment's hesitation a few others joined in, then more, then finally Hale offered her aide and they stood around, giving each other tense and reassuring nods; expecting the worst, hoping for the best, and wanting nothing more than to be in the future.

They were already there.

"Let's go!" Ralph jubilantly put his hand up. Everyone else followed suite, repeating some mantra in their head. Some motive to do this. Man, they were crazy. Absolutely batty. Round the bend. Crackers. But that was alright, wasn't it? It was fun. It was exciting to be insane. It kept you on your toes.

Without a fear, they made their way out of the alleyway and to the back of the stage. Hale fell into step with Roger at the back of their little trainwreck-waiting-to-happen and looked at him worriedly.

"You guys are asking for it, you know." She whispered.

"Yes, I know." He breathed out weightily. "But don't you think it's worth it?"

"Is this about that thing I don't know about?" Hale queried.

"Quite possibly." Roger tried, "But who knows. I mean, we are all crazy."

Hale smiled warmly. "Okay. I trust you."

"Wait, really?" Roger said in surprise. A lot of things were astonishing him lately. The world was still there after all those years, it seemed.

"Yeah, absolutely." Hale chuckled. "You seem to know full well what you're doing. To the future, meta-man. Good luck with those strings." She gestured with her playful green eyes towards his guitar, which Roger had managed to nearly forget about, and winked.

"Thanks." He smiled back.

"See ya." Hale waved and rushed off again. There was the stage...it was so close...geez. Roger tore his eyes away from their accomplice leaving the scene and focused back on the goal at hand. Jack had to be here tonight. He just had to be.

What was this all for anyway? What was he trying to prove?

"Roger!" Ralph called from the front of the line up, "I'm so nervous! But this is so exciting! Aren't you excited?!"

"Yeah!"

Oh, right. There was that. He was fighting for that.

That crazy, insane, son-of-a-bitch who'd pulled him through. The same one who he owed more than he knew for putting up with him all this time and even cheering him up a little. The one who taught him how to smile again, and his whole life who couldn't be here right now because of his accursed parents.

The lights were so much brighter than he could have ever imagined. But when they all mounted the stage and the entire crowd went silent and the security radios started buzzing, Roger looked at the ground and found with astonishment that the wires were already there. Rob had done his job good. And there was the mic. Not intended at all for singing into, but it was the same thing, really. Singing and giving a speech weren't all that different.

He picked up the amplifier cable at his feet and clicked it into place. This was it. Roger grabbed the microphone and pulled it towards him.

"Hello, University!" He greeted in the best speaking voice he could muster without completely breaking down. Oh my God, public speaking. Why. The nervousness welled up all over again. He resisted the urge to scream. "My name is Roger Williams, and I have no idea what we're doing here!"

"_What if I fall along the way Would you be there..._" He started. Ralph took over from there.

"_So you heard, that I'm on my way.__Wish that I didn't have to say Goodbye. __I'll rely on your faith in me."_ The Blonde sang. Though, with all these lights in his eyes Roger really couldn't see. Well, that is until someone-probably one of the security crew-switched them all off. Still, the show would go on, right?

"_I got my feet on the ground But my head's in the clouds Can't forget where I come from I hope your there when I'm done I got my feet on the ground But my head's in the clouds Can't forget where I come from I hope your there when I'm_..."

With the floodlights off, Roger could see past the microphone stand and into the crowd gathered about below. Look, there at the foot of the stage were Hale and Emily and Melissa. Melissa was cheering and pumping her fist in the air, Emily was shaking violently like a loose leaf in the autumn breeze. Hale just sat there with a half-triumphant smile; not moving, but making all the more of a statement with the stillness. There in the middle Rob had reappeared. He looked as if he was standing on a bed of nails. Some idiot beside him shook a maraca and wore a sombrero.

In the back of the crowd a commotion started. At first small, then more noticeable and spread out. Everyone followed Roger's gaze to where a lanky boy with hair brighter than the sun ran through the bustling people, tailed closely by what seemed to be his parents. Near Hale, f-u leaped up in the air and barked twice. Melissa held her by the collar and tackled the dog to the ground.

"_What If I fall along the way would You be there to ease the pain? Took my one shot, picked it up And threw it away. Won't be long. Won't be long before I break_."

Roger had to shake his head to clear it before joining in with Ralph again for back-up. He was thankful that at least this time he wasn't the only one singing. He wasn't the main event, just acting like it.  
"_It's the touch, and the taste It's the feel of a brand new place When I go, you'll be there, In a month in a year_." They both sang together. Roger exchanged a thrilled glance with Ralph as his fingers worked at the proper chords on his guitar. He felt in his place. It was different. It was nice.  
"_I got my feet on the ground But my head's in the clouds Can't forget where I come from I hope your there when I'm done I got my feet on the ground But my head's in the clouds Can't forget where I come from I hope your there when I'm..."_

Jack. Jack Merridew.

It took him long enough to get to the front of the pack, didn't it? His parents were screaming something now, but Roger grinned widely down at the ginger because he could tell that Jack wasn't listening.

"Mr. and Mrs. Merridew can go suck a big one!" Roger added in between lyrics. He watched their eyes widen and their heads shoot up and laughed. Hale nudged Jack's mother with her elbow and shouted something that made her blush, but Roger couldn't hear.

"_What If I fall along the way would You be there to ease the pain? Took my one shot picked it up And threw it away. Won't be long. Won't be long before I break_."

Now it was time for Roger's solo. This was the part he was dreading more than anything. Funny thing though, he wasn't too nervous at the moment. Weird.

Maybe it was because he was really having fun with this.

That was even weirder.  
"_So you think that I am wasting my time But I'm ready, ready to go. So you know I've got this under control But I'm ready..._  
_What if I fall before along the way would you be there To ease the pain? Cause it's my one shot Can't fuck it up and throw it away, won't be long_!" He finished off by singing so loud that it might have even drowned out the crowd. Then Ralph joined in and he was done and Roger felt more accomplished than he'd ever felt.

They were in the home stretch now. Roger broke away from the microphone and called out to the girls waiting down below for the end.

"Come up here!" He yelled, "You're part of this too!"

"R-really?!" Emily stuttered, taking a step back.

"Yeah, come on!" Roger urged. Melissa began shoving Emily towards the ledge first, too proud to admit that she was also scared of the attention. Hale, on the other hand, shrugged and hauled herself up onto the platform. She jumped in the air and did a strange little dance, to which Roger shot her an incredulous look.

"What?" She mouthed.

Roger shook his head and turned back to the music. Luckily they'd added in that 'tiny' piano solo for Simon, or else Roger would have been screaming over Ralph's vocals. Oops. He turned his attention back to the music as the other girls began to seat themselves at the edge of the stage.  
"_What If I fall along the way would You be there to ease the pain? Took my one shot picked it up And threw it away. Won't be long. Won't be long before I break._  
_What If I fall along the way would You be there to ease the pain? Took my one shot picked it up And threw it away. Won't be long. Won't be long before I break._  
_So you think that I am wasting my time But I'm ready, ready to go. So you know I've got this under control But I'm ready_!"

They finished off with a flourish of Roger and Bill's guitar playing.

"And," Maurice screamed, "THE CROWD GOES WILD!" They 'went wild' right on cue. Roger ducked as a rogue drum-stick whizzed past his ear. Maurice could be a card sometimes, and he couldn't say that he hadn't expected it.

"You there in the front!" Roger growled mockingly. He pointed at Jack, who still looked rather mesmerized by the people on the stage.

"Yes?"

"What are you still doing down there?!"

"Being civilized." Jack said in a rather demeaning manner. "That looked fun and all, but aren't you going to get kicked out for this?"

"Probably." Hale responded in proper turn, "But what's life without a little risk?"

"And nobody's getting kicked. At least, nobody else." Roger sighed. He crouched down and looked Jack in the eyes. The red-head was staring back cautiously, motioning to his parents on either side of him with a slight tick of the irises. "I'm taking the blame for all this. Just to get your God-damned attention. I must be crazy."

"You're doing this for Ralph? I thought you hated us." Jack gaped quietly.

"I thought I did too." Roger admitted. "Now get your ass up here."

"But...I..." Jack stumbled with the truths in his mind. What were the consequences of what he was about to do?

"Jack Merridew, you listen to me!" His mother squawked, "This display was horrendous! Your friends are terrible influences on you and we're going back home right this moment, you hear?!"

"Listen to your mother, Jack." His father nodded. Jack's mother placed her hand around Jack's arm and gave it a yank in the direction of the parked cars out in the lot. The ginger stared for what seemed like an eternity. He looked back and forth between his options until at last his eyes betrayed that he had settled upon something. He grinned widely in Ralph's direction and held out his hand.

"Pull me up." He called. Nearly tripping, Ralph started forward and hauled him up until they were both together again. The whole little ragtag band formed up at the front of the stage and raised their hands against the roar of the crowd. Maurice sprinted off the edge of the platform stage and fell to the concrete when nobody caught him. He rolled around there for a while, laughing his head off, until the guy in the sombrero and Robert got him to his feet again and checked him over.

"JACK MERRIDEW!" Jack's mother fumed, "GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

"Boo!" Hale encouraged.

Simon pushed his way into the group at this point and broke in: "Hey, Jack."

Jack turned towards him and frowned. "What?"

"Remember that question I asked you all that time ago?" Simon prompted, "What do you want to do?"

"I want to stay."

"Then do it."

"WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?!" Came a new roar. The headmaster, by the looks of it. He marched through the crowd, and they parted for him. Luckily, Rob and Maurice and sombrero-man had already split the scene. With a faint nod, Ralph and Jack sprinted off through the crowd as well, bumping against the headmaster on their way out. Ralph laughed something in apology and ran even faster. Simon was gone when Roger turned around again. Hale shrugged.

"He does that. Makes me think he's a ghost sometimes." Was her explanation.

Bill grabbed Melissa's wrist, and the couple and Emily ran off in a chain off excited screaming. Roger and Hale and Jack's parents were the only ones remaining. That, and the headmaster. At least they had his company, right?

Sure. Yeah. Sounds like fun. Roger pushed down the butterflies in his stomach. It was time. He'd been planning this all along, hadn't he? He tried to look as nonchalant and merry as possible as the leader of practically everything he knew to exist in the world sauntered up to the stage and the people around him went silent.

"What's your name, young lad?" He grumbled from underneath a valiant moustache. Quite admirable that a moustache could be so symmetrical, actually.

"I'm Roger Williams." Roger smiled, "Hullo, Mr. Headmaster."

"And this girl, what does she have to do with this?" The headmaster went on.

"Nothing." Roger answered without a pause.

"Are you sure?"

"Sure as you're ugly." Roger snapped his fingers for extra measure. Hale stifled laughter beside him and Roger elbowed her as a signal to dash off. She stayed. The headmaster turned bright red. Jack's mother took her opportunity and began to beg the headmaster with anger welling up in her fiery blue eyes.

"There were more boys here! I saw them! If this is how this University handles itself, then I'm ashamed to say that I once esteemed it! This conduct it despicable!"

The headmaster pushed her away, silencing her with a wave of his aged hand. Roger smirked and nodded his thanks.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but I believe that I am in charge of my students, not you." He condoned, "As for you, Roger Williams-"

"-I'm out of here, I know." Roger sighed, "I'll go without a fight."

"You were that scholarship student, weren't you?" The headmaster said through narrowed eyes and bushy eyebrows. The shine on his bald head could've killed a man. "Why'd you throw it all away?"

"I found something better." Roger beamed, "And I think I'm gonna be happier somewhere else."

The headmaster sighed and bowed his head. Jack's parents argued fervently beside him, and somewhere in the bustle Jack's da had left and taken the car keys with him. Roger waved sarcastically as she tried to regain her frustrated and intimidating look. However, she'd lost it. There was nothing scary about her anymore to Roger. Or her son either, so it seemed. She pointed her finger, opened her mouth, as if to say something important. But, in the end, she dropped it and shuffled off through the nearly emptied lot.

"I could expel a lot of people for this." The headmaster admitted, as if it were a deep secret he was wary to share.

"I know." Roger replied, "But you're not, are you?"

"Not if you're willing to take the full blame. You'll never get into another University again. You realize that, right?" The headmaster grimaced, his moustache twisting to the side. Roger laughed a few times and took up his guitar by the strap, already heading out.

"I'll go." Roger waved, "Don't expect to see me around!"

"I won't." The headmaster gruffly answered. He took one more look at the wrecked opening ceremony's set-up, shook his head, and headed back to where the cars were parked. Feeling rather light-headed and hearted, Roger bounded off the stage and set his eyes upon the main gate. He nearly forgot about his car. But, upon reflection, he didn't really need it, now did he? Not where he was going anyway. Letting out breathy laughter, he went on running and reached the gate. he stroked its cold metal surface.

No more, old friend. He thought to himself, looking at it with admiration. No more. He was about to float off again when Hale's voice caught him back and made him stare for a moment.

"Where are you going?!" She gasped, working hard to keep up with him. "You're really leaving?! I thought you were joking, man."

"Well," Roger grinned, "He told me to leave, right?"

"What about your friends? After all this work, you're just...leaving?!" Hale wondered with wide, appreciating eyes. Roger blinked his red ones and pressed his lips together into a smirk.

"Who needs 'em?" He answered. "But, really, tell them I said bye. Wouldn't want them thinking I'm just bailing out after all these years. I'll be-" He stopped mid-sentence and reached into his pocket as his phone piped in with little electronic stair-steps. A new text message? From who? Roger flipped the cover open and clicked the receive button deftly.

I'M SORRY ROGER. SHE'S GONE. WE TRIED OUR BEST TO SAVE HER...BUT...SHE JUST SLIPPED AWAY. FUNERAL TIMES? SRY, HAD TO ASK. TOWN WANTS TO KNOW.

-S

The smiled slipped from his face for a moment. Hale looked over his shoulder from around a lamp post and frowned deeply.

"What's this?" She muttered, "Who are they talking about?"

"My mother." Roger whispered. He didn't know what to feel. Well, not really. Roger knew what he should have been feeling. He should have been sad. He should be crying...something that showed sorrow or regret that he hadn't been there.

But in reality, Roger felt as if a massive weight had just been lifted off his shoulders.

He was free.

"I'm so sorry." Hale murmured. "I...had no idea."

"It's okay!" Roger laughed.

"What?"

"It's great!" He repeated, dropping his cell phone to the ground and giving it a good stomping-on with his shoe. "This...I'm...I can't even begin to explain this feeling!"

"Why?" Hale gaped. She spun around the lamppost so that they were facing again, but only for a moment. Because in a split second Roger was off again, vanishing quickly into the England summer. Hale dropped off her perch and placed her hands on her hips.

"Where do you think you're going?! Your mother just died, you lunatic!" She called angrily after him.

He paused and looked over his shoulder at her. Roger's face was lit up like a Christmas tree.

"I'm going to the future!" He shouted.

"Shouldn't you take your car?!" She yelled back. A moment later, something tinkled near her feet. She stooped to pick it up and held the rattling, silver object tightly in her hand. Keys. Keys to Roger's mustang that he'd saved his money for forever. Hale looked back up. Roger was still just standing there, taking in her serious expression with his crazed, excited one. Thrilled to be homeless with a guitar and the England streets. He was a strange boy, alright. Hale smiled.

"What am I supposed to do with these?" She asked curiously.

"Find me." He answered plainly. As if it were the simplest thing in the whole world. "And don't forget to tell those two idiots where the hell I'm going. Tell them not to look for me either. They know my P.O box. That's all they'll need."

"Are you sure?!" Hale screamed.

But he was gone. She blew out a weary breath and jingled the keys in her hand, appreciating them from every side.

"Find me, huh?" She pondered. Then, Hale snorted. "What crazy retards. Sure know how to throw a party though."

And with that, they were off.

* * *

"Hey Jack?" Ralph asked, glancing out their dorm room window at the ghost of the scene that had just unfolded below. The red-head leaned on Ralph's shoulder and watched with him, sighing wistfully. It was good to be home.

"Yeah?" He said.

"Do you think we're all insane?" The blonde quizzically wondered.

"Of course."

"But us more than others, right?"

"Definitely."

Ralph paused and laughed through his teeth. "I'm glad." He finally got out, "I'm glad."

"Makes life one epic party, huh?" Jack shot back through a devilish sneer. Ralph punched him in the shoulder.

"That was my line." He playfully quipped. "But, yeah. I like it this way."

"What do we do now?" Jack huffed, kicking back on the old couch. So many memories were vested and abandoned in it. So many more had yet to be made.

The blonde sat at the window sill and thought for a moment. He thought about the future. He thought about the past. he thought about right now, and all the weirdos that were probably reading about his wacky, insane adventures, wondering how the heck he was going to answer a question like that. How the heck he would end this train-wreck.

What would they do?

And then the answer surfaced and suddenly it was very simple.

He replied very simply:

"Each other."

And they did.

The End. (But not Quite.)

* * *

**OHGISE OHMYGODOHMYGOD**

**HAHSIHDASIHREHEHEAFHUEHAFUHHEHFAhFkhae**

**I LSST AOEHAOH**

**Frick. Let's start this AN over.**

**GUYS. IT'S DONE. THIS LAST OFFICIAL CHAPPPPPRER (Whoa there, kat, chapter) is oOVERR...**

**Okaay. But seriously, there's an epilogue guys, so don't think I'm ending it this way...XD I wouldn't do that to you. I was seriously so nervous as to how I would end this final Episode...Ah, geez. By the point where Jack popped the question, I was just like: Ah, Faq it. So they did. And that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it :P**

**So, Thankses go at the very end of the epilogue, so I'll save those for that. It's not posted yet, but I've got it all planned out (ULIKE THIS CHAPTER *COUGHCOUGH***

**Yeah, sorry. This wasn't the best way to end this and it was kind of janky so I apologize. BUT THIS TOOK FREAKING FOREVER TO WRITE. OVER LIKE 8000 WORDS. THAT'S A LOT FOR ONE CHAPTER, GUYS. THAT'S THE MOST I'VE EVER WRITTEN FOR ONE CHAPTER.**

**So. Now that that's over and done with, how about the very last *sniff*:**

**EPT REVIEW RESPONSE TIME!**

***CRIES* Okay, I'm back. Let's do this. I have a hand cramp.**

**HOTWINGINCEdENT~**

**Leaving us? I'm not leaving anybody...well, I left my husband and now my kids are in their godfather's custody, but that's a very long story for a different day...hehe.**

**And yes, it has to do with my anniversary/divorce. Don't ask. And by that, I mean feel free to ask.**

**Just not now. Now's not the time for that. Now's the time for an epic party.**

**And yes, you are pretty amazing. I can't say the same for me though. Maybe if I would update on time and finish some of those stories I haven't finished. But, you know...**

**MYSTERIOUSGIRL101~~**

**Yup, this is ending. With an epilogue, I might add. I'm only mentioning this because I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea. THIS IS TECHNICALLY NOT THE LAST CHAPTER. Don't forget that. ever. I would never end a story with 'and they did it.' Lol. OR WOULD I? But seriously guis, there's an epilogue. DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE EPILOGUE YET?!**

**Sorry. I just chugged a mountain dew. I can't spell right so this is taking a while and I'm super hyper to boot. Anyway, yeah I can understand JackxRoger. *Narrows eyes* That doesn't mean I like it tho...**

**I'm very picky with ships. Sorry. No offense to you. That doesn't mean I don't read good fics with ships I'm not used to. The fic that actually convinced me to join this site was a JackXRoger fic. Written by Nightkill (or satan Abraham, if you will). Sadly, I can't remember the title. But I do remember that there were ghosts and piggy was getting revenge and...yeah. Stuff happened. I don't mean to offend you, Nightkill/SA btw. It's just been a while since I read that fic.**

**Thanks for reviewing, MYSTERUOUSGIRL010 btw. Sorry. I kind of went off on a really big tangent. I care about you, I really do. I'm just jacked up on mountain dew.**

**GUEST~~~**

**Wish granted. BOOM.**

**Thanks for reviewing, btw XD I hope I didn't disappoint...**

**COCOLADA **

**IT'S BEEN A WHILE. WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN?!**

**lol. Sorry. let the sugar gget the best of me again. **

**Let's start over. **

**Cocolada! AGh! You kind of dropped off the edge of the world for a while there. I was getting worried. Any longer and I might have had to gather my troops and go searching for you in the vast seas of the internet ocean. It's a scary, messed-up place out there, man. The squids do twisted crud to people, according to my friend who does nothing but right SlendermanXVictim stories. **

***Takes a moment to recover from mental images and horrifying friends who I probably should distance myself from***

**Anywho, thanks for reviewing! And thanks for loving my story! I love it too...not to sound self-centered. It's just really fun to write. Or...it was...well, there's still an epilogue. HAve you all heard about the epilogue yet? There's an epilogue you know.**

**EPILOGUE. *Twitches***

**Yup. Yeah. **

**Yes. And Hale. **

**She's always waiting. ALWAYS.**

**FRICK**

**Anyway. That's all I really have to say. **

**WRITE YA ONE MORE TIME FOR THS FIC! I LUVS YOU ALL YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A SPECIAL PERSON AND YOU VALIDATE ME! THANKS FOR READING ALL THE WAY TO THE NEAR-END AND STICKING WITH ME AND MY TARDINESS!**

**WRITE YA!**

**final word ct: 9241. I'm celebrating by letting my fingers and wrists die in that corner over there. I'll be back when we recover. **

**But seriously.**

**TIME FOR MORE MOUNTAIN DEW!**

***Runs***

**EDIT: almost forgot. The songs (nor do the characters, for that matter. props to William Golding, my main man) do not belong to me. In order of appearance:**

**You are my sunshine by *who really knows. I just don't own it.***

**You are the only exception by Paramore**

**What if I fall by the white Tie Affair (Which I so expertly inserted into the dialogue like a stealthy Katwoman. Gettit. 'cus my name is Kat.) **

**Welp. There goes my sanity.**

**I have to go before my hands fall off and grow minds of their own and start typing more random nonsense. **

**I'll write you later. :P**


	31. Uneven Odds

Epic Epilogue Time

Episode Final: Uneven Odds

It all went pretty well after Roger left; a little too well Jack's parents backed off...which is one way of putting the complete and total disownment of a child. At least they didn't give the boys trouble anymore. And, after a while of distance, Jack's da started to call again. He and Jack were on pretty good terms now.

_I once knew your father well_

_He fought tears in his eyes_

_as he spoke of_

_your mother's health_

Bill and Maurice got started at the Uni's radio station, hosting the hours between music on the holiday breaks. After a while, they took turns with the regular time slots.

_I guess a part of him just couldn't return._

_Forgiveness is a lesson he cursed you to learn._

After their double debut on college radio stations across England, Bill and Maurice moved onto accept a job offered by a massive broadcast center right north of their very first University. How could they refuse? Maurice loved the attention and knew the city well, and Bill and Melissa wanted to start saving for an old house in the countryside. Their first live performance that aired was a hit starring some up-and-coming street artist who'd been homeless for the past three or so years. He'd been growing in popularity lately. Roger was now quite notorious for his hard-crafted tunes and his improvised lyrics.

_As your guardian I was instructed well_

_to make sense of God's love_

_in these fires of hell_

At 5:00 in the afternoon, Hale Griffiths was driving back to her apartment from her day job. She was making things work with her life-middle class living was alright, she guessed. Especially when her awesome friend from seemingly forever ago had loaned her his kick-ass car. Stopping at a red light, Hale took the time to switch on the radio and turned it to the station her friend's husband hosted for.

"This is Maurice and my good buddy Billy boy here, kickin' back with the tunes a tick for a quick wind-down hour. How's about some live-entertainment Bill?" The main host began.

"Sounds cool to me, Maurice." The co-host and newly-wed responded, bored sounding as usual. But Hale was used to it by now. She'd had to sit through his entire wedding ceremony.

_No, I don't expect you to understand._

_Just to live what little life_

_Your broken heart can_

"To celebrate our new occupation and give the channel a little somethin' sweet, I called up an old chap o' mine who doesn't even work!" Maurice introduced through the tinny speakers of the mustang. "Give a good welcome to my childhood friend and neighborhood weirdo, Roger Williams!"

Hale slammed on the brake and stared at the radio as if she could see him smiling there.

_Maybe your light is your seed_

_and the darkness the dirt_

"It's nice to be here, Maurice." The familiar voice politely responded, "Long time no see."

"I bet it's nice to be here, eh?!" Maurice quipped back in that friendly way all radio host knew, "In the air conditioning at last!"

This was received with static-y laughter. The show went on. Hale listened the whole time.

_In spite of the uneven odds_

_beauty lives from the Earth._

Jack Merridew, in the meantime, had put any notions of what he'd been planning to do with his life aside(Which, in reality, was nothing) and helped Ralph pursue his life goal-being a Marine Biologist.

He glanced off the edge of the boat dubiously, into the crystal-clear water below and grimaced at the multitudes of meandering sharks.

_From the Earth_

_From the Earth_

Ralph leaped past him in a blur, pulling Jack in as he went, and both of them went tumbling into the sea of sharks.

It was quite beautiful down there, once Jack grew accustomed to it. Sparkling bubbles with facets and uneven, slopey sides crawled up, catching the light just right. A gorgeous pacific sun drifting into the aquamarine. At least Ralph looked at home here, trailing his left hand across spiraling sharks and letting them feed from the bait in his other.

Then they both remembered about air. The blonde tapped Jack in the stomach with his foot; that was enough of a reminder.

_As the years go by, these questions take shape_

_Are you getting stronger or is time shifting weight?_

Encircled by the flurry of carnivorous fish, Jack and Ralph broke the surface, gasping and gesturing to the far-off boat.

"Rob!" Ralph called, "Come on, we need our gear! What are you still doing over there!"

"I'll bring the boat around!" Captain Robert shouted back over the drone of the waves.

"Preferably before we're eaten!" Jack added. Robert disappeared behind the wheel and the speed-boat listed towards the two boys in the water. The captain motioned to his fiancé on the deck.

"Em, get the cage!"

"O-okay Rob! Got it!"

Ralph pumped at the water with his feet, checking for any stray fish from the pack, and then suddenly remembered something. He dunked underneath the ocean a bit as he reached into his shorts pocket and brought out a camera. Jack saw it and instinctively struck up a smile.

"Say cheese!" The blonde urged cheerfully. The camera snapped and flashed. Ralph took a moment to examine the screen before bobbing under the saltwater entirely. After coming back to the surface he gasped: "I think this one's good!"

_No one expects you to understand_

_Just to live what little life_

_your mended heart can_

At around six PM, a month after his debut on the radio, Roger was giving his usual routine at the corner of fourth and Royal. Nothing but a stool, his guitar case, and the acoustic he'd traded in the electric for. The normal crowd made their appearance, as well as some others. Just faces; smiling faces. And as long as they did that nothing else really mattered to him. The people in general were not what he was working for. He didn't really know what he was working for. It was something he couldn't attach a name or a label to. Something that exuded from things like the pictures and postcards Jack and Ralph sent him weekly from their trips around the world.

_You'll always remember the moment God took her away._

About and hour and a half later and the busy crowd was gone-albeit a few stragglers. Roger finished up with the song he always ended on-Find Me-and began to pack up his meager belongings. He was just about to move on when a coin clattered to the ground at his feet. Roger glanced up at its giver.

_For the weight of the world was placed on your shoulders that day._

"Hey." She smiled.

"Hi." He said back. "Hale?"

"It's been a while." She laughed back, clicking on something in her palm. A few meters away, an antique of a mustang blinked its orange eyes at them. A moment later, the keys arched through the air and on instinct Roger caught them. "Do I win?"

Roger felt his lips prick up in the beginnings of a grin.

"Yes."

_Maybe your light is the sea_

_and the darkness the dirt_

Flash forward a few years. Bill and Maurice still run the radio station, giving competitors quite a challenge. Melissa and Hale are looking at paint swatches.

"Which one for the nursery?" Hale asks nervously, "I want to get it just right."

"That one." Melissa points to the lavender slip of paper trembling in Hale's outstretched hand. "I wish I could have children. You're so lucky."

"I thought you were adopting." Hale frowns.

"We are."

"What are you two scheming about in there?!" Roger shouts from the small kitchen a couple of feet away, obviously teasing, "You're making me nervous!"

"Nothing~!" Melissa says with cheery verve, "Don't you worry yourself, Mr. Williams! We're not talking about babies at all!"

"Melissa!" Hale hissed quietly, prodding her best friend with her elbow. In return, Melissa just snickers and ducks her head in friendly challenge.

"He was going to notice sooner or later." She whispers.

_In spite of the uneven odds beauty lives from the earth._

Four more years. Hale walks into the play room to find Roger in a crown and too-small, plastic high-heels, sitting down to a tea party he'd been invited to for quite a while now. Unfortunately, due to studio recording time and touring, he'd had to skip out on the past few occasions. However, he was free today, so the little princess insisted on a tea party.

"Daddy's the queen!" She announced to Hale from her seat opposite of Roger, "Bow down, momma!"

"You heard the misses, Hale!" Roger mocked, "I'm the queen!"

"You look like you're having fun." Hale responded, "How's the tea treating you, Queenie?"

"Oh, it's splendid."

That night, like all others, Roger remains awake later than the others. While they are snoring softly and his new-old house is gently groaning under his feet, shifting with the weight of things, shifting with the change, he sits on the staircase and looks up and down the wall. Pictures of the past and the present and something that defines a very bright future lines that wall; photos that Jack and Ralph had sent him over the years, now able to be properly framed and cared for-though, they hadn't seen each other since he left them all those years ago. Only letters. That's all Roger knew of them. To his knowledge, those two idiots were exploring the coast Africa as of now. Alongside of their pictures and interlaced between were others'. A picture Hale decided to offer to the mighty wall of Melissa and Bill's wedding. One of Emily's son. One of Rob's funeral procession; he'd died not too long ago after being caught out at sea at the wrong time and place. There was one that Roger had found in the attic of the house; it was an old black-and-white photograph of his mother and his brother and he sitting on the front porch before going to church on a Sunday.

Yes, he'd bought his old house. He didn't know why. But he figured why not? Since nobody else had and nobody else probably would, and the neighborhood or lack thereof was familiar and comforting and the structure still had meaning. He'd set right the wrongs done in this house and he'd make better memories than what he'd had in the days before.

He'd make his mother proud.

_You're much too young now, so I write these words down._

The night's vigilance would always end at the top of the staircase, right before the master suite, with Roger stopping at the last framed reminder and smiling to himself. It was one that he'd thought ridiculous and utterly embarrassing at the time, but he was glad now that he had it.

The old college photo of his roommate's and himself. That seemed so long ago.

Sighing, he switched the hall light off and disappeared into the house's shadows.

_Darkness exists to make life truly count._

* * *

**Hey guys...so, it's over.**

**How do you feel about that? I mean...I feel...pretty...sad. Sad but accomplished. **

**So, first some explaining to do on my part. I forgot to mention a song in the last episode that was included, and that song was Turning Page by Sleeping at Last. What a co-eenq-ee-dink. (That is, Coincidence). The song from this chapter is called Uneven Odds, by the same person/group, Sleeping at Last. If you have no idea who they are, I highly recommend them. Try the song Homesick or Snow or Interlude. I love all their songs. Seriously. There's not a single bad song in their track record. **

**Anyway, speaking of songs, if you liked this fanfiction of mine or others, you should check out my profile page real quick for the soundtrack lists. Not trying to sound pushy. The songs listed there are just some of the songs that helped me write the damned things, so I might as well give a shout-out to those awesome bands. Credit is given where credit is due.**

**And, I might not seem like it, but I'm a believer. So, I gotta give credit to God as well. For a while we were slipping there a bit, but I'm trying to get back on track. Sorry, God. I don't pay quite as much attention to your rules as I should. People, if you're Christian or thinking of becoming one, don't follow my example. I'm still struggling. I'm willing to talk to people about it though...if they're curious. I don't bite C:**

**Also, a few inconsistencies. In one chapter I mention that Jack's sister is named Emily. Jack's sister Emily and the Emily named in the past two chapters are NOT the same person. Sorry for any confusion. And also, I think I mention that Ralph's parents picked Jack up at Roger's house once. But that's impossible, considering they were both allegedly traveling around the frickin planet at that time. So, yeah. Ignore that. Ralph's lying at that point. His parents never picked Jack up at Roger's sucky house.**

**Also, I mentioned Roger's twin Brother, the other Ralph. So, just as an FYI, I was originally going to end this in a much darker way-by making all of the boys' adventures a figment of Roger's twin's imagination, and that in reality, all of the boys died on the island and never came home. That Ralph-twin was making this up to pretend like he was the one who died and not them. I was going to end it with him talking to the therapist and concluding their tales happily. However, I changed my mind (Which was the wise choice, I think) and ended it a little less dark. I'm happy with my descision, but I just wanted to make it known that Roger's twin was mentioned for a reason~~**

**A terrible reason, but a reason nonetheless. That alternate ending would also explain why Simon just vanished and re-appeared like he did, and the fact that I pretty much never mentioned Piggy in here, because Roger-twin-Ralph-person wouldn't have known piggy...although, he wouldn't have known normal Ralph either, so forget that. I was just looking for an excuse for why I didn't include piggy in on this hullabaloo on that last note...hehe.**

**Also, in my upcoming Oneshot series, I was thinking of adding some EPT OVA's. What do you guys think? Should I? There are actually episodes missing from this, little do you know. One I found too offensive and the others were unnescaserry (OhMyGod that's spelled horribly wrong..) They would have introduced the girls more gradually and given some more Jalph backstory. Oh, and the rated-offensive one just had sparkles and nonsense. I might include that in the oneshots. We'll see. I'll have FangaKat on the site review it first. lol. Fanga, look out. *evilfais***

**Also, both Hale and Santha are alternate reality versions of OC's in a different fic I wrote quite a while back. I'm not saying which, because later in this AN a plug a different story of mine. But, You can probably just ask cocolada. XD**

**Sorry, cocolada. Didn't mean to call you out like that.**

**So, yeah. Big shout-out to anybody who reviewed or followed this story. I was going to list all of you guys, but they're are a FRICKING LOT of you! So, sorry...XD I hadn't expected to find that many people liking my story. You guys are awesome, and I hope you like the ending and will stick with me through my next projects.**

**Speaking of that.**

**Next comedy one I have lined up(Don't steal my idea or I will FIND YOU)**

**_A Lord of the Flies and Survivor parody_. It is technically a crossover, but I'll be posting it on the normal page because not many of you regularly check the crossovers page. No hard feelings. I don't either. It's sad. This fic is already in progress and has been for a while, but I don't want to get started on it until I get a few more of my fics smoothed out (if you haven't noticed, I have WAAAY too much going on). SO, stick with me, please! I'm srry if it takes a while...**

**In the meantime, why don't you check out Barton Hollow? **

**Sorry...I'll stop plugging now.**

**Anywho.**

**THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! I FEEL SO GREAT KNOWING THAT WE MADE IT ALL THE WAY! I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS FIC AS MUCH AS I DID, AND REMEMBER, IT'S ALWAYS EPIC PARTY TIME!**

**Sorry for this horribly long AN, thanks for the 65 PLUS REVIEWS! Over the past year of writing this, I've made new friends and aquaintances, new ideas, and met awesome people. Anyone who reads this is included somewhere in there. This fandom is awesome, and very unique. In my whole time here, not one of you guys has been rude or mean or overly harsh. Constructive criticism FTW, am I right? Anyway, you guys are amazing. and, last but not least...**

**...Write ya later... ;)**


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